eight

August 13, 2011

i can't believe eight years has already gone by. it feels like an eternity.

this year has been different than all the prior ones. i found myself feeling less dread as the days approached... whether or not that's a good thing, i have no idea. maybe it's because we held a memorial service last month for eric. these past few days have been difficult. simply put, i feel sad. i feel a deep sense of sadness and sorrow in my heart for eric. i miss him so terribly. i feel further away from him. i feel like he's drifting away from me. i feel like there's more distance.

one side of me wants to remember, do everything i can to keep him close to me... and this year, ann and i have done things we never have before... like driving a volvo. i decided on thursday night that i wanted to drive a volvo again - eric loved our green volvo, we both loved it. we were so attached to that car even though it had a lot of problems - so we did. ann and i went to a volvo dealership and drove a volvo c30. i figured that was a car eric would have liked if he still lived today. and surprisingly, in a short 10 minute test drive, ann and i both realized why we loved volvos so much. they were super comfortable, drove really well, and had great performance. i was toying with the idea of actually buying one so i could always remember eric whenever ann and i drove around. how cool would that be? if not now, at some point in my life, i want to own a volvo.

other 'firsts' - we had some lunchables because eric really liked those, we watched an episode of star trek TNG, watched saturday morning TNBC shows (california dreams), watched first knight, went to civic centre and had a cheese dog + burger and fries. i even played river city ransom (i really don't remember why we liked that game so much, it seems quite primitive in today's today standards, but hey, we were just kids back then)! ann and i are planning to go downtown later and grab a slice of pizza from cora's and the go for an italian sausage from finch station - two other firsts.

another part of me, especially today, just wants to hide and not acknowledge today... not acknowledge the reality that eric is gone. i feel depressed. i feel like i don't want to do anything. i feel tired. i feel down. i feel miserable.

i've been reading more of eric's posts in his live journal and it makes me so sad to think how much pain he dealt with. i never really realized how much hurt eric had experienced in his life. all of his anger, all of his violence, all of his hatred, all of his emotions... they were all from a deep place of hurt. i really wish i could have been there for him when i was younger. i wish i understood the why as opposed to what i saw on the surface. i wish i ran to him instead of running away and feeling afraid of his anger.

it seems to me what eric really wanted was to be loved... to be loved, accepted, cared for, to be understood, to be completely embraced. eric how i wish i could have been that person for you. oh how i wish i could have been that person.

maybe that's why i feel the way i do today. i feel like perhaps for the first time in my life, i actually understand how eric felt and unfortunately it's way too late. sigh.

i haven't really been able to cry much these past few days - no deep pain in my heart causing me to well up with tears and have a 'good cry' - the kind where you feel your body ripping apart from the seams because it hurts so bad and letting all of that emotion out... i wish i could - perhaps the Lord will allow me to feel what's inside later, i don't know. i know it's there. i picture myself yelling and screaming at the top of my lungs because of the pain inside, but it just won't come out. it feels stuck today.

oh eric, if you only knew how much people loved you... at least mom and me. eight years has passed and it really hasn't gotten any easier... actually, i think it's the opposite. i find it gets harder because as more time passes, memories fade... as time passes, you seem further away... as time passes, you miss out on more of the precious life events that i want you to be there for.

more than anything, i wish you were still here. more than anything, i wish i could bring you back, but i can't. and that's what i hate. i don't hate you for doing what you did. i think i actually understand your reasoning for it... but what i do hate, is not having you around. not being able to talk to you. not being able to play with our poohs. not being able to hear your laugh... in a nutshell, i hate not having your beautiful presence with me. you were such an amazing person. such a beautiful person. perhaps i see it even more now than i ever did before. you were so precious eric. you really were. you had a deep ability to love. you were passionate. you were free. you were the kind of person i'd be lifelong friends with.

if only somehow you had saw life differently... but you couldn't. you were too hurt by people to see life as anything but pain and suffering. even if you were alive today, i can't but think that you'd still be suffering... maybe it is better for you not be here with us, but it is not better for us to not have you.

but maybe i'm being selfish? because i'm only focusing on how hard it is for me to not have you, rather than how hard it would have been for you to live another 8 years... i read one of your posts today, about how you described hell. that hell would be reliving your life over and over and over again. i really can't imagine how hard every single day was for you eric. i'm truly sorry that i wasn't mature enough back then to understand. i remember i used to pray that you the Lord would free you of your pain and suffering all the time. i remember i had prayed that prayer for you a lot before you passed away. and if i think about it, you are free now. you are free from the pain and suffering that you experienced.

i don't know eric. i just miss you terribly. that's the real truth of it all. i miss everything about you. i love you so much. i will never stop loving you. because you will always be my brother. you will always be one of the most incredible people in the world to me. you will always be the brother i looked up to. you will always be eric.

i hope that we will be reunited one day in heaven.

with all my love,

leo

you would have been 31 today

March 29, 2011

hi eric. today would have been your 31st birthday. it's almost been eight years now...

i've been dreading this day for a while now... i think the entire month. this is one of the hardest days in the year for me. i miss you. i miss you so bad it hurts. it really really hurts eric.

i'm sadden by the fact that i can't celebrate your birthday today. instead, i'm mourning your loss.

i had a big cry for you on sunday. i couldn't run anymore from the pain i was feeling inside. i looked at your photo and listened to "for good" and the tears streamed down my face. my heart hurt so bad. i felt like i was being torn in two. people say the pain will lessen as time goes by. i don't buy it. i don't think that's true. i think it always really sucks. i think it's always really hard. i think there's a deep pain in my heart that will never go away because i will never have you here with me again.

i miss you. i wish i could see you here again. i wish i could hear your voice, laugh with you, play with pooh, go for wings, everything you liked to do. i just wish you were here. but that's a reality i can never have in this lifetime.

eric, i feel the only thing i can do to honour your memory, to honour your life is to do everything i can to remember, everything i can to bring you as close back to me as humanly possible. i realize i need more time to do this. with ann's advice, i now take off march 29th & august 13th every year... but i feel like that's not enough. i feel like i need to take off more days from work to be able to properly mourn, to properly remember you.

on sunday, i was reading some of your old livejournal posts and i actually learnt some new things about you that i didn't know! i learnt you liked eating cora's pizza. i learnt you liked a restaurant called urban. i learnt some of your other favourite movies. i found some old surveys that you filled out and ann and i both read them. it made me really happy to learn new things about you. we stayed up late and it was worth it.

yesterday, i met up with loretta, jon & jer for wings at king edward's arms. loretta is back in town for the year and i couldn't think of a more perfect time to remember your birthday than to meet up with her and eat at your favourite wing's place. we ordered 5 lbs of wings, hot, saucy, (1 lb for every one of us), 2 mozzarella sticks and 2 wedge fries with the BBQ sauce only... just the way you liked it.

we shared stories about you. i talked about how i've been feeling. it was nice. it felt good to have someone like loretta there on such an important day because she was so close to you. i feel like having people who you cared about around me made me somehow closer to you. it was fun hearing other people remember things about you. loretta mentioned how she loved how excited and happy you got... you would have this giddy laugh and clap your hands when you got really excited. i remember that. it made me happy to remember that.

loretta and jon both talked about how much they remembered how amazing you were. none of us could or ever will forget your life. you were so special eric. you were so unique.

when ann and i got home, you know what we did? we played secret of mana! yah! i haven't played that since i played it with you and james... it took me back, way back. i started a fresh game and i called the guy leo... it was kind of weird - you were always the guy and his name was always eric. i think i might play it every now and then when i miss you... ann is going to play too - she'll be the girl when i get her. i'm not there yet.

today, ann and i did many things to remember you. i wore your blue shirt and it felt really good to put it on. i felt a warmness as i button it up, like i was surrounded by your presence. that made me smile.

first, we started the day with a morning workout since you worked out so much. we worked out using the total gym & the bowflex. i still have a lot of your exercise gear. it made me happy to work out using the equipment you actually used.

then we met up with jon to eat hashbrowns at mcdonalds. remember how we used to ask mom to buy us each five hashbrowns every saturday morning? i don't know how we did that. i could only eat one.

next, ann and i went to mr. felix & norton to have some cookies. you always liked those. we ate three in your honour. after, we went to futureshop to walk around. i don't know what you did there but i know you went in there to look around.

mom emailed me later and told me some things that i didn't know you liked... for example, you liked studying at tim hortons at leslie & 16th... and that you really liked walking around fairview mall... i didn't know that!

after, we went to the little restaurant at the civic centre. ann and i ate the cajun fries to remember you. i know you liked those. i know you liked the hot dog too, but we were too full. i forget how nice a place it was to eat. so peaceful and beautiful. kind of like vancouver :P

when we finished, we drove to chapters and walked around. i remember you used to pick up books and then went to the starbucks and read the entire book. i wonder what you drank? earl gray tea? coffee?

we headed down to fairview mall after to walk around. i wonder what type of things you liked to look at there. i wonder what type of things you would have bought there.

when we finished, we drove to eglinton town centre to eat mrs. vanelli's! oh how you loved their food. unfortunately they closed down at fairview and markville mall, so we had to go somewhere else for it. but i was really happy to eat it. and guess what? you know your club monaco murse? the zipper was busted and i got it fixed. i'm going to use your murse as my bag when i need one. nothing makes me happier than to use your old stuff.

on the way home, we stopped by baskin robins and had a mint chocolate chip ice cream on a waffle cone in your memory. we also bought mom some daisies... your favourite flower.

when we got home, we popped in princess bride and watched it. i know you LOVED that movie. i know you watched it time and time again. i forgot how good a movie it was! i was happy to watch it again. ann really liked it too!

and that brings me to now... writing this blog. i'm going to visit mom and dad later and we're going to go to ichiban to eat for dinner. i like doing the things you would have liked to do. i ilke eating at your favourite places. it makes me happy.

i don't know what i'll do after. maybe watch some of your old videos. maybe play some secret of mana.

you know eric, even though it's almost been eight years, my love toward you has not diminished at all. i still love you as much as i did when you were alive and as weird as it sounds, maybe even more now... maybe because i'm more aware of it. i don't know. i was thinking this morning, if you were still here and needed a place to stay, ann and i would have given you a room in our house.

i know you and ann would have been like best friends. it makes me sad that that never happened. sometimes i wonder what it would have been like... the four of us together - you and your wife, me and ann. how we would have gotten along, what our lives would have been together. i know we would have been close. i know we would have had the greatest times. how i wish that could have been. i'd give anything for that...

eric, this year, i found myself just really really missing you and feeling really sad that you're not here. i miss you my dear brother. i really do. i love you with all my heart. i wish i told you more. i wish you heard it from me more... and even though you will never hear it from me now, i'll still keep telling you... in my blogs and in my thoughts. i love you eric. your my dear brother and you will always be. i hope, one day, we will be reunited in heaven.

i love you eric.

your brother, always and forever. leo.

into the arms of God - a memorial service for eric edward chan

August 14, 2010

we held a memorial service for eric today. my mom suggested the idea to me a few months ago, but i never thought about it and pushed it away since i didn't like the idea of it. didn't feel ready. didn't want to say goodbye to eric. it wasn't up my ally.

my mom persisted and followed up with me time and again. her doctor believed it would be really beneficial for her, thought it would aid in her healing. eventually, i gave up trying to make excuses and gave in.

it was scheduled for today, at 3 pm. held at scarborough grace hospital in the chapel. apparently my parents met the chaplain at a workshop and she suggested that we hold this memorial service. i didn't know her. i thought the whole idea was strange. i was skeptical, cynical even. it was supposed to be for 30 minutes and it was only just the family. what good could come from it? i didn't see a point. what could we really accomplish in such a short amount of time with a person who didn't actually know us? a person i never even met before...?

my mom told us to bring something that we remembered eric by, a song, a poem, an object, anything. i decided to bring pooh of course, eric's favourite stuffed animal. pooh was our connection. we had so many times of playing pretend with our poohs. it was our excuse to bond and hang out with each other. we would never say why we did it, but we did it all the time. i miss those times.

my dad drove us and i fought with the feeling of skepticism during the ride. ann told me to keep an open heart, so i kept praying for that. i prayed that God would open our hearts and allow each of us to feel what we ought to feel, what we needed to feel. i prayed God would keep us open to whatever He had in store... yet all the time thinking, this would be a time for my parents, not me.

i put pooh in a bag because i didn't want him to get dirty, nor did i want people looking at him. i feel protective of pooh. for me, pooh is like eric. it's the closest thing to eric i still have so i am always watching out for pooh.

when we arrived, we met the chaplain. her name was scarlet. immediately, i felt my heart starting to close up, as i analyzed her and the entire setup and situation. it was uncomfortable, foreign, strange. i didn't want to be there. she told us to take out the things we brought. i didn't want her to touch pooh. she put him on this little stool and pooh almost fell off. that made me upset. i felt nervous that pooh would fall off. i couldn't deal with that. i kept a watchful eye over pooh for a while...

she told us to share why we brought what we did. i muttered some words and wanted to get this done with as soon as possible... and then, we started. i quickly glanced at the materials she gave us, especially the agenda. i dismissed it quickly, but i couldn't help but fixate my eyes on a few words.

eric edward chan - march 29, 1980 - august 13, 2003

that hurt. that really hurt. i hated looking at that. i hated that i was there... but i couldn't help but feel, the reality, the truth of it. it was true, wasn't it? i didn't want to accept it, but i didn't have any other choice.

she started going through the service. she read a poem to us. it was about how we felt about 'our child' - great, it really was for my parents, wasn't it? as she spoke the words out loud, i read along and my heart started to feel some of the pain, some of the truth of the words. it expressed how i felt too.

we moved on to corporate reading. and for the most part, i didn't feel a thing. i looked as tears started forming in both my parents... even ann. but i had nothing, until she came to the part where she referred to ann as the sister-in-law. what? sister-in-law...? that's right... ann would have been a sister-in-law. but she wasn't, because eric wasn't here anymore. that killed me inside. i have ALWAYS wanted eric to meet ann. that's one of the things that kills me to this day. because eric was one of the most important people in my life and ann is now the most important person in my life. for the two of them to meet would have meant the world to me. and that is something that can never happen in this lifetime. i started feeling deep pain in my heart. i hated it. why eric? why? how could you do this to us? to me? didn't you know how we'd respond?

scarlet then encouraged us to talk to eric directly. i wanted to, but i couldn't. i felt strange, awkward, afraid. i was conflicted. my mom started to speak. i'm glad she got the ball rolling. when she finished. there was a lot of silence. i wanted to say something, but i couldn't do it... until finally, i muttered eric's name out.

i wanted to talk to him so bad, so i just let whatever was in my heart to come out. i kept saying i hated not having him around. i felt angry. i felt upset with him. i wanted to ask him so many things. i wanted to say many things. tears started streaming down my face. i felt like i needed to wail, but i couldn't bring myself to do it. i realized there really is a lot of strong feelings deep inside me that i have difficulty expressing.

my dad shared too. from that point, i don't really remember what happened or what scarlet said, but all i know is this, it was God led. i realized that i held unforgiveness in my heart towards eric. i never forgave him for what he did. i've been angry with him for seven years without knowing it. i've held bitterness and resentment towards him for seven years. i realized that i had been trying to control dealing with eric's death in my own strength. i wanted answers. i wanted it done my way. i felt sorry for myself. why me? why my brother? and i realized that by doing this, i had sinned against God. because i made it all about me. i refused to accept the reality of eric's death, that he really was gone. and that he now was with God, a much better place for him. i wanted to keep hanging on. i was afraid to let go. i didn't know how.

but somehow, i realized that i needed to finally accept the reality of it all. that eric was no longer with us. that he was indeed with God. and that i would never fully understand everything. that i had to accept eric's decision to take his own life, no matter how much i hated it and disagreed with it. and that by accepting eric's decision, i was loving him too. scarlet talked about how us holding on so tightly was extremely tiring... that's how i felt. extremely tired for doing this for seven long years.

within the span of minutes, all of this revelation came to me and i was stunned.

we proceeded to each light a candle for eric and pray. ann and i went up together. when i prayed, i felt this deep need to ask for God's forgiveness. i felt the need to release eric to God and that was the hardest thing i've ever done. as the tears came, i told God that i will release eric to him and that i don't want to hold on anymore. after i prayed, i felt so much freedom, so much release... i felt healed in a way. i felt like i finally accepted eric's death. and i can't say for certain what happened, but it's as if the peace of Christ finally came to my heart regarding eric's death. it wasn't superficial, it wasn't manufactured...it was real. i was amazed.

ann prayed after me and i was so touched by her prayer. as tears streamed down her face, she prayed for my parents and me. that meant so much to me. i meant so much that she loved and care for us/eric so much. i knew she sympathized and empathized with us all. ann's so great. i love that about her. she's the most amazing person i know. i've never met anyone with such an amazing, giving, loving, caring, kind heart. i was glad we lit the candles together. i was glad we both prayed.

after that, scarlet wrapped everything up... and upon her closing, the most miraculous thing happened. she told us she bought each of us a little gift, something to remember eric by and the memorial service. it was a little, clear teddy bear with a bow tie. now, the incredible thing about it was, my mom brought in the exact same teddy bear, but in a blue colour instead to the memorial service. that was something eric cherished.

i couldn't believe my eyes. of all the things she could have bought, she bought the exact same bear that eric had and cherished and this one was white in colour. at the same time, she was talking about how now eric was with God... for the first time in seven years, i finally realized, eric was with God. he was the old blue teddy bear while he was on the earth. and now, he's with God, and he has been changed and transformed into this white teddy bear.

i don't even know if i'm really articulating what i felt and experienced with that. but it indeed was miraculous. that was such a God-ordained moment. we all sat there, in awe of what happened.

eric is with God. he's in a better place now. and i can finally accept that and move on with my life. does that mean i won't miss him? no, i will always miss him and i will always remember him. but it means that i don't need to feel so possessive, so controlling, so unwilling to face the truth.

before the service, i had planned to bring eric's pooh back home with me. but after everything happened, i was fine with giving pooh back to my mom. it was okay. i didn't need pooh anymore. i felt released. i felt free. i felt peaceful. something in me has changed and i believed God has brought some healing to me today. thank You Lord!

God, you amaze me. thank you for allowing this day to be. thank you for orchestrating all of the details together and allowing me to finally entrust eric to your care. i'm sorry for holding on so long to him. i didn't know how to do it any other way. forgive me for my self-dependence and trying to be in control of everything. lead me to the way everlasting. lead me back to You Lord.

i pray you will continue to bring healing to my heart and you would continue to give me the strength, the courage, to move on. show me Lord what the next steps are. if i am in anyway still holding on to eric, allow me the grace to release Him to you.

thank you for giving me such an amazing, wonderful brother. Lord, if there's any other offensive way in me, whether it be unforgiveness, hatred, anger, bitterness, reveal this to me and make me pure. i want to follow You.

eric, i love you and i miss you. while i will never understand what you did, nor will i ever agree with it, i accept it now. i will accept that this is what you thought was best for you and i release you into the arms of God. you are in a better place now. i don't want to hold onto you anymore. i don't want to resist the truth. God is in control, not me. eric, i realize i'll never have all my questions answered, but that's okay. i can put my hope and my faith in God. love and miss you dearly. i look forward to having more times in our memorial garden, remembering all the wonderful memories we had together. until we meet again in heaven, my dear brother. with all my love, leo.