days gone by..

August 5, 2002

wow, it's been an entire week since i've last wrote something. i think i'm getting lazy or something. i've been meaning to write something but i really didn't have much to write about this week, so i didn't!

i'm finally free from summer school :) yay!!!!! off from york for a whole month :) it'll be good to get away from there for a little bit. not to say that i don't like york *ahem* but it'll be a nice break! maybe the york/sheridan building will have like all the outside finished when i return in september :) the exam itself wasn't too hard - in fact it was quite easy - i figure if i actually studied real hard, i would have done pretty good! but it's all good. i really had a tough time studying for that exam for some reason - maybe it's because i knew i could pull off an A with a low crappy mark on the exam. which really isn't the greatest of attitudes. the whole like arrogance thing came in for me there. like i was bragging to all these people about how easy it was. stupid me. why am i stupid like that. *sigh* i should like smack myself with something for being like that. i guess i thought it was funny how low i could get on the exam to still get an A.

another thing that dawned on me this week was how silly graphic design is. like honestly. for print design, all we do is like mix graphics (photos like 99.999999% of the time) and typographical content together in different arrangements. how HARD is that? it's soooooo very silly. lol. but God's placed me there for some kind of purpose. i haven't really figured out what that is. but all i know is this: there's like tons of non-Christians and like a handful of Christians. the graphic design profession does not have a lot of Christian designers and it needs them. they need to see the great news about Jesus. i keep thinking about how much i'm doing for God's Kingdom in terms of witnessing to people - is the life that i life really reflective of Christ? do people see Christ in me? i'd hate to waste this super unique opportunity that God's given to me again. cuz i really did waste high school and i regret it.

the whole 'reflective' life thing hasn't been too great for me this week. i was thinking about my exam the first few days, and the next few days i like didn't read anything cuz i'm stupid. so that wasn't too great. i definitely will start it up again tomorrow. there's been too many days that have gone by without me just spending some good time with God.

however, the other day, i think yesterday, i noticed an interesting thing about shadows. i was driving home and i noticed how the shadow of my car was in front of the car and 'followed' me all the way home (obviously). but there was something unique about the way i saw the shadow - i knew it was a special moment. so in that brief moment, i thought about what God was trying to show me. and i think it's something like this. the shadows that cast on any object are always a 'reflection' or image of what the object really is. and it's always there (except at night, but let's not get into that). and it's like our old self. our former life. it's always there, wherever we go. no matter how hard we try to lose it, we can't. and sometimes, that old self re-surfaces in some ways: either large or small. we need to be mindful of that. we need to be mindful of what our lives are like without Christ and how that life fights with our life in Christ. we intrinsically are sinful people and so our sinful nature surfaces up if we're not living by the Spirit (check galatians 5).

we had our last 24/7 meeting tonight. i was kind of sad because i've really enjoyed the past several weeks together worshipping, learning, praying with all of them. i still don't know any of them. maybe just a few names here and there, but that's it. i still feel like an outsider. why do i always feel like an outsider? i have no idea. it's like everywhere i go. i'm always like left out. *shrugs* i can't figure it out for the life of me. maybe God's trying to teach me something with that? maybe......

andrew just talked about the idea of the santification process.. and how the PROCESS of being holy should be a joy to us. :) amen to that. he was saying that we set too high expectations for ourselves, like "i'm going to conquer that sin today" or something like that and when we don't - we get like all upset and stuff and go really hard on ourselves for it. but we should remember that it's a process to be santified. it doesn't happen overnight. that was like totally speaking to me. so yeah, i just need to remember it's a PROCESS and that process should bring me joy cuz i know that God is changing me ever so slowly :)

little by little
everyday, little by little in everyway
my Jesus is changing me :)

i'm kinda feeling tired. not physically, but spiritually. i've been 'giving' a lot lately and not 'receiving' too much. maybe a break from markham would be good for me. i mean, just get away from obligations at church and all that. and just feed for a while. i'll probably be thinking something different later on. so stupid i am. but honestly, i just want to like do nothing. and like all of august, i'm involved with this and that - my whole summer is like ministry work. it's really tiring. i havae no idea how pastors do this year round. well obviously God sustains them. but you know what i mean. so i still need to think about this some more. but i'm leaning towards the break now. i think i need to do this for myself.

that's all for tonight. g'nite :)

Posted by Leo Chan at August 5, 2002 12:26 AM