"there's something positive about you..."

December 25, 2002

i've been really procrastinating with journaling lately! it's been quite the while.. but in any case, i'll just continue from where i left off. :)

on the 9th, i went to the Christmas party of campus crusades. i didn't really want to go, but i've been forcing myself to go to their social outings in an attempt to get to know them. i didn't have much expectations, i was sorta hoping i'd be able to get to know some of them. but that didn't work out as i had hoped. i got there and saw brett, but he was busy with stuff so i just kinda hung around by myself (anyone see a trend here?) eventually a few people that i knew showed up, like constentiene (can't spell his name) and lepagne (can't spell that either)... so i was talking to with them, catching up because i hadn't seen them in a while... i think those two are basically the only two people that i can really talk with.. everyone else.. is...... distant... away from me or something.. i can't put my finger on it..

i felt like people were either avoiding me or just didn't want to sit with us.. i figured i'd be eating alone but constentiene asked to sit with me.. so i'm like sure.. no one else joined our table until way later cuz it was the only one available.. after dinner, we played some really lame games... VERY lame.. like TC games.. hello! and while most people were enjoying themselves, having a merrry time... i just felt more alone.. watching them enjoy themselves with such silliness... that only happens when you feel like a PART of the fellowship.. when you're at home... if you aren't.. you feel like an outsider.. and that's how i felt...

at the end of the night, i left without anyone noticing... i'm able to make these quick departures because i don't think anyone actually cares if i'm there or not.. it makes no difference to them.. and so i left with thinking that maybe there was something wrong with me. maybe i was unapproachable.. that i was unfriendly.. that there was something about me that pushed them away... and so i sulked at home wondering why i couldn't fit in, when a few people that joined the fellowship the same time as me fit in so well..

the next day i began my Christmas volunteering at the salvation army.. it was short lived, only a span of two days because i later discovered i had mononucleosis (and no, i didn't get it from kissing anyone.. the way i got it is still a mystery to me..) but God used those two days to encourage me from that monday night.. i met two people, a guy named waldo (he was an older person, probably in his 40/50s) and a guy named yung (a korean guy who came over here to study english for a year)...

i introduced myself to both of them.. not typical of me.. but i figured why not.. i wanted to get to know people i was going to be volunteering with... the first person i met was waldo.. he was sorta watching the volunteers as they worked and eventually he stood at my table.. so i quickly asked for his name and introduced myself.. we had a great conversation.. we talked for a good while.. it was really cool :) i learned that he was taking computer courses.. that he had theories about volunteers.. calling people "genuine volunteers" if they went to volunteer for no reason at all - meaning there was no hidden agenda behind there reason for being there like getting volunteer hours, doing community service, etc. he also told me that he was a shy person normally.. and that he didn't like talking to strangers... but get this.. he said that there was something different about me.. something very positive.. something very approachable about me that made him want to come up and talk with me.... and he said this the next day i was there too... i mean he got all of that just by seeing me.. noticing my disposition, my appearance...

that totally stunned me.. here i was thinking that i was all these bad things after monday night.. and God just totally used what waldo said to encourage me... it was awesome :) so maybe it's just that i don't click w/ the CCC people? or they just don't feel like they need to talk to me or something.. i have no idea... i've been learning a lot that i can talk w/ non-Christians so much easier than Christians... it just seems like that nowadays.. justin said something to me that really struck me.. when i talked with him... he suggested that maybe my ministry now isn't with Christians, but with NON-Christians... maybe it is? perhaps...

i didn't get to volunteer there after the two days because the nurse told me to stay home and rest.. mono isn't a very nice illness.. it has a lot of potential to do a lot of harm.. so i've been trying to take it easy over the past few weeks :)

Posted by Leo Chan at December 25, 2002 11:41 AM