"lookie here!"

February 8, 2003

prideful me vs. quiet me.

it was a battle that took place today. i've dedicated all my waking free hours to one specific project over this past week (design & systems 1) because of the magnitude and complexity of it. and by today (the day of class), i had constructed almost all of the program together. i think in the past week alone, i've put in 40-50 hours MINIMUM. when i got to class, a part of me was like "look at what i've done!" and another part of me was like "just be quiet. don't make others feel bad for not having anything done". guess which part won?

that's not to say that i was blantly saying how i was almost done. i showed my project to my friends that asked about it. but i sensed a sense of pride growing in myself that i wasn't fond of. what is it about me that seeks to be recognized and affirmed by man? a part of me is always seeking to be accepted. i guess that's an inate part of every being. the desire & need to be loved and accepted. but the real truth of the matter, that that desire is seeking the wrong thing. it's God who has loved and accepted us first and that's all we need! i just need to wrap my heart around that truth. DAILY.

also, i need to remember that it's been HE who's been helping me along w/ the project, who's been guiding everything. i've been able to do basically everything i wanted in flash, even though i'm not an expert by any regards. and the things i wanted to do were in my opinion, very complicated! when i was doing the programming, ideas would just "pop" into my head and things would work out! :) so it's obvious it wasn't me at all. but some part of me still wants to claim it as my own. as if.

the flash instructor today asked me for my info so that he could contact me later on if he needed to sub-contract a project out to someone. and i was like. what? yeah right! so it comes down to this: if i have the time and the know-how to do what he wants, i'll be paid to work on some projects for him (in the case that he needs someone to help)! how cool is that? i think i need to brush up on my PHP :) but yeah, total blessing from God. :) who woulda thought? like even if i don't have time to do it, i'm in his potential list for people to help out :)

i also went out to SALT tonight (that's the RHCBC uni fellowship). i thought it was a Bible study, but oh they tricked me good! it turned out that it was a surprise guy's appreciation night. very cool :) and at one point, they made up a list of things they appreciated from each person. and i was sitting thinking to myself, hmm.. i'm pretty new here so i doubt they'd say anything about me, which was fine because how can you talk about someone you don't really know? but much to my surprise, they had thought of me. they wrote up a list of qualities they've begun to notice about me. i REALLY and sincerely appreciated that :) it was totally unexpected. i mean they made the effort to remember me in part of that, even though i'm like a newbie :) very, VERY cool :) it's starting to click. things are starting to gel a bit more. i'm still at a surfacey level with basically all of them, but it'll just take time to go deeper. it's always about time!

i told joyce that i wanted to help out w/ worship somewhere down the road at RHCBC. i feel like i'm wasting the gift God has given me by not using it EVER. i rarely am involved with worship anymore because of the fact that i haven't a stable church to go to and what have you. so like it's this whole part of my life that's been cut off. and that's a BIG part of my life. or it was anyway. i believe it's time for me to utilize what God's given me once again :) in time of course!

verse of the day: "in his pride the wicked does not seek him; in all his thoughts there is no room for God" (psalm 10:4)

Posted by Leo Chan at February 8, 2003 12:16 AM