weekend reflections

July 1, 2002

it's been an interesting weekend.

it was the family mcbc summer retreat that happens like every two years. to be honest, i didn't want to go to it. because i didn't see a point, and to be quite frank, i still don't see a point as to why i was there. i really didn't do anything. maybe it was just to hang out with mcbc people cuz i don't really do it that often anymore. i dunno. i did realize a few things though. i've talked about this before i think, but yeah. it's just kinda reaching a 'plateau' in my spiritual walk at least in the chinese church. like i can't learn anymore or something weird like that. i mean even the Bible study was so like surfacey, though it made me think a little bit, but it's not like anything really challenging or new. pastor joe was saying how these questions were 'tough' and like honestly, they weren't! i dunno, must be something wrong with me? i don't really get it.

we had a campfire/sharing thing on sat. night. and people were just gathering around the fire, sitting on logs and stuff. i stood up after a bit cuz it was really hot and i couldn't handle the heat. so i was just kinda observing things that were happening. man, i felt like such an outsider. it was the weirdest thing. even the people that were standing around me, they were all like talking to someone beside them. and there was me. alone. alone with my thoughts. i felt so isolated, so disconnected, so disjointed. like i had no part in being there. maybe i'm just being stupid, but that's really how i felt. and i wondered if anyone would noticed if i left, or if anyone would try to find me if i left. i dunno, i didn't actually leave cuz i guess i didn't have the guts to do it. but after a while, i left with some people. i don't know how i feel about markham. man, cuz next year, they're all gone. i keep saying it, because it's true. i was kinda thinking about not taking a break, but man i'm still all confused. cuz now i'm really wanting to take a break/leave.......i dunno... stupid emotions, all screwing me up..

anyhow, enough about that. we had a 24/7 meeting with like everyone (from drama, etc.)...EVERYONE.. it was quite the long meeting...4 hours.. but it passed by real quick. i didn't even know it was so late when it was finished. but basically, it was just a time of worship and prayer. it was really cool. there were like all these people i didn't know, but it was so awesome. these are like genuine people after God's heart. while i was playing, i was just sorta thinking, even if like my guitar blew up or something, they'd keep right on worshipping cuz that's how like intense it was :) they talked about a lot of stuff. but an interesting thing ben said, which was basically a quote from crowder. was that our lives reflected the way we worship God (like during musical worship), things would change. how true is that? it's like. during that musical worship, it's like you'd do anything for God. that's the way our LIVES should be like :)

an aside... from all this, i was just thinking how i missed fellowshipping with other believers.. sounds kinda weird.. but yeah.. like i guess i 've been struggling all year to find like a fellowship type thing for university people.. and i'm not saying this would be a fellowship thing for me cuz we're just doing this for 24/7.. but, just the atmosphere and everything. the people. cuz these people are like me. like where we're at spiritually and stuff. and i really don't know any people like that, except for the men's group, but it's completely different. yeah, so i'm hoping that perhaps that i could get to know these people. they're really cool! maybe this was God's answer to my prayer to meeting new people?? hmmmmmmm!

i got home. and i stared into the sink. i think my bro like didn't wash the dishes for the past few days. cuz there was like a full sink load. and my parents and i were away at retreat this weekend, so it wasn't ours. i was looking and thought, well i didn't do it. so why should i wash it. and i went upstairs to do my bathroom stuff. and i came back down. and stared at it again. "love involves sacrifice/pain". i didn't want my mom to do it. so, despite all the physical pain that i'm feeling tonight, it still decided to go for it. and as i was washing the dishes, i remember something uncle gary said once during a family time sharing. he was just talking about how he was washing dishes and thinking how he hadn't done it in a while. and just being happy that he could wash dishes, because that meant he had food to eat. and i was thinking about that. and i was just so happy to wash those dishes. cuz that meant me, leo, had food to eat. who woulda thought you could have joy out of washing dishes? :) i was basically doing it for my mom, cuz i love her, and yeah :) but then God just gave me joy doing it. so cool :)

man, i'm just so happy to know God and that He knows me back. and not only that, that he LOVES me back. i should sleep. i'm lacking sleep and i have a long day tomorrow? :) we got a 24/7 practise smack in the morning! :) g'nite!

Posted by Leo Chan at July 1, 2002 12:44 AM