two days gone by....

July 28, 2002

the past two days have been pretty interesting. friday wasn't anything too special, i was supposed to study but i didn't get a chance to. the issachar brochure took me a little longer than i had expected so i didn't have time to study. *shrugs* what can you do.

on my drive up to ntcac, i noticed that the gates to the big catholic church on woodbine was opened for once. it's normally all locked up and no one can get in. i was going to stop and drive up by i had the wedding rehersal to go to, so i couldn't be late. i was just thinking about how awesome it is that the gates for us, is never closed, or only open some of the times, but it's always open . God's always there beckoning us to Him to know Him, we're always able to communicate with Him freely. it's not like, you can only talk to me on this day or this month - but all the time! isnt' that cool :)

the dress rehersal was cool. ntcac has a really gorgeous sanctuary. it's one of the prettiest ones i've ever seen like in person. so i decided to bring my man's camera to take photos of it this morning. and i did :P

grace and kevin's wedding was this morning. such a beautiful thing to be a part of. :) i was kind of thinking about the whole concept of 'light' because there was like a whole bunch of candles at the front of the sanctuary and the sanctuary was really nicely lit with a vast array of different lights. it's pretty sweet actually. but anyways, light in a completely dark place would be blinding to a person who was in that dark place for an extended period of time. and maybe like when we go out into the 'darkness', it's like the light shocks them crazily, and some might not like it - but some may be drawn to it and find that it's good. but some will enjoy the darkness and continue to walk in it.

so the wedding banquet was a little strange for me. there were none of the older people there tonight. just like the younger ones, the ones that'll be around next year. and the ones that won't be around next year, well they didn't show up. so it was like a 'preview' for me for what september will be like. none of the oldies. i felt REALLY awkward.. strange.. like, not a part of things, isolated. it's a feeling i have a lot. like i don't belong. like i'm an outsider. it's like almost the same feeling i had when i went to CCC when no one ever talked to me.

me, an outsider at a church i've been to for like 12 years. how does that work? and it's not like i wasn't with people that i didn't know. i've known them for a few years, but it's like i'm slowly drifting away. and once i leave koinonia in september, that drifiting would speed up exponentially. *sigh* this whole like MCBC thing is really screwing me over. what to do. jer said maybe it's some kind of weird spiritual warfare. it probably is. i have so many fears if i left. like what would it be like when i came back type thing. you know? but maybe i need to lay that to rest and give it up to God. since He's in control.... it's like i can't trust God in that area of my life for some reason.....

being at the banquet started making me thinking of wedding things. like my own wedding. who would i invite, who'd be my best man and all those details. i probably shouldn't. messes with my head. it's like i HOPE that God'll give me a spouse. someone who i could love, cherish and all that good stuff. i'm 20 and i'm single. it's been like that for 20 years. and i know i have to wait longer because there's still issues in my life that need to be resolved i think. God HAS to be the only one i desire. ONLY ONE. nothing and no one else. because He's all i need. i keep saying that. i wonder if i really believe it. i think parts of me do. but parts of me don't. i hope God begins to show me that, really reveal that to me. :)

3 more days to study. i really need to START. :)

i should get off to bed. service at 9:30. g'nite......

Posted by Leo Chan at July 28, 2002 1:01 AM