the beauty of brokeness...

June 6, 2002

haven't written in a long time... maybe i should, cuz it's important to keep track of what's going on in my life and cuz journalling is important.

lots of things have been going on with me lately, and i guess i spilled out everything during men's group. stress, tons of stress has been building up on me over the past little while without me even knowing it. now how does that happen. well it's the summer time, so it's supposed to be the time of relaxation and what have you. and part of me belives that. another part of me realizes that i've got so many committments that i can't relax as much as i'd like to (yet i still do it anyway). and so things pile up on me, slowly but surely. the way i think of all the things i have to do right now, is basically a check list. once something is finished, check that off, move on to the next.
is life really supposed to be like that? i hardly think so. there's gotta be more to be a Christ-follower than the simple mundane life. i refuse to accept that the circumstance i'm in now is it. i'm IN CHRIST. that's a huge thing, but i don't get it, and i don't know how to get it. not yet anyway.

well, i've realized that i've been taking things on my own strength, relying on myself to do all those projects and everything. and that is problematic. very problematic. why? well, it's like this: "i am the vine, you are the branches, if a man remains in me and i him, he will bear much fruit. apart from me you can do nothing" (john 15:5 [niv]). and sure it's talking about doing things for Kingdom purposes, that we can't accomplish anything on our own merit for the Kingdom of God without Him. but i tend to think it applies to me in ALL areas of my life, especially school (which as an extension is my graphic design work). so here i am trying to accomplish all these things on my own strength. and considering my health lately, that doesn't last for very long. i'm at the end of my rope. my flame is all snuffed out. what i need is a refreshing from God, a renewal of my mind, heart & spirit.

and then today rolled around. i've been struggling w/ summer school because i always fall alseep during class. so today, after we talked yesterday, i decided that as my worship to God, i'd try my best to stay awake (sounds simple doesn't it, but if you sat in my classroom, you'd understand). and guess what. for the first time ever, i did :) haha! it's not a big deal, but i thought that was pretty cool :)

anyhow, after school it was the SHOCK magazine meeting. gabriel brought an interesting point out about the diverseness of our group - which is in relation to the uniqueness of the body of Christ and how we all fit in there together. i guess i never really thought about asian Christians have a diverseness too much, because we're all asian - but we still have our own uniqueness (if there are CBCs, mandarin speaking, cantonese speaking). i still haven't figured out my 'role' as an asian Christian yet, but i guess it's not that big of a deal. though i still wonder what to do next year for fellowship!

when i got home, i saw the dishes laying in the sink. normally i wouldn't think much about washing them. but a thought ran through my head. my parents weren't home, and if my mom returned home late, she'd have to wash the dishes. so i thought about how uncool that was, and i decided to wash the dishes. it doesn't seem like a big deal, but anytime i wash dishes, my back will ache while i'm doing it because of my car accident. "love sometimes involves pain" i love my mother. i love her with all my heart and i'd have no clue what i'd do without her. so for me, to wash dishes is a sacrifice, not only of my time, but of my physical well-being. "love your neighbor as yourself" (matthew 22:39 [niv]). God first, others second, yourself last. i still need to learn that. i pray that God will help me learn that.

my currrent prayer requests:
- God's will for the summer (maybe a job? *shrugs*)
- august 31st
- relying on Him for anything and everything
- increasing my faith in Him - knowing and trusting in everything that He does

that's about it :) it's late, i'm tired. nite!

Posted by Leo Chan at June 6, 2002 3:06 AM