i'm tired

June 23, 2002

kinda in a weird mood today. i want to just get away from everything and everyone for a while. just me with God. but as much as i desire that, it's not possible. i have so many committments with this and that, there's no way i can pull away all of a sudden, as much as i want to. maybe the retreat this weekend will give me some space just to be with God. i really need it.

i have to lead worship tomorrow at redeemer. i guess i'm doing it as a favor to katie, cuz she needs a break which is totally understandable. i'm really not in the spirit to do it and i really don't feel like i should be doing it. but i told them i would, so i have no choice. God, i really don't know what i'm doing. but i hope it's pleasing to You. i can't say that i put my best effort into planning the set cuz i haven't had time to think about it, pray about it. *sigh* but whatever. that's basically all i can do, the rest is up to You.

the more i think about stuff, the more i realize i'm just sick of living the way i live my life. the day in, the day out. i guess i'm suffering the symptoms of a religious person. i do my devotions, i serve in the church, i listen to great sermons (7:22), and that's it. i go about my day-to-day. don't get me wrong, i try to think about God in all aspects of my life. and sure i try to obey Him whenever i feel like He's telling me to do something. but there has to be more than this. there HAS to be. like come on, the days of the NT - the disciples, they were like casting out spirits and doing all this funky stuff. why can't i do that? (not to say i'd do exactly the same, but you get the idea).

maybe a strong desire in my heart is to know God soooo much more? i definitely think so. i just need more time, or less things to do. it feels like i'm going every which way without any real sense of direction. so what does it all come down to? knowing Jesus. and letting that affect me completely. who knows. maybe tomorrow will be different. i hate having emotions. it gets me all screwed up. that's why it's so awesome that God is ALWAYS the same. even if circumstances dictate us to FEEL otherwise, it doesn't change a darn thing. He'll always be faithful. He'll always be loving. He'll always be God. my God.

Posted by Leo Chan at June 23, 2002 12:09 AM