to live, is to deny oneself

March 5, 2003

i stopped by the annual design show of york/sheridan on monday, hoping to get free food and to see if just maybe some of my work was up on the walls. the verdict? nothing, zlich, zippo! instead, all i saw were fantastic examples of design, design that i would never able be able to do. some of the pieces blew me away, in terms of construction and concept. i can't even begin to comprehend how someone could do work like that. however, there were a few pieces that were just "okay", and i wondered why my "okay" work isn't included in the show? i mean, not to be arrogant or anything, but i thought some of my work was better than some of the stuff hanging on the walls - in fact, i knew it was better because i got a better grade on mine.

upon leaving the show, i realized i was upset. i really really wanted something of mine to be there. why? maybe just as an indication that i'm not a crappy designer, that i actually produce some decent work for projects. maybe as an encouragement to tell me to keep going, that everything will be alright. maybe to just say "you're doing fine". it wasn't really for the praise from people that i wanted - i wanted it for myself. but there's something really wrong with that, as much as i try to fight with myself about it. i wanted it for ME. when you lose perspective, and things become about yourself, that's where danger lies. everything should about Him, not me. why do i need to encourage myself about keep going when the Bible says "i can do everything through Him who gives me strength" (philippians 4:13 [NIV])

what it comes down to is denying yourself - your ambition, your dreams, your aspirations, your goals, your career, your life, YOU. everything that is YOU has to come to a surrender before a Holy God, our Holy God. and it's hard. it's fighting yourself about what you want out of life and realizing it's not your own life to begin with. jeremiah knew this, "I know, O LORD, that a man's life is not his own; it is not for man to direct his steps." (jeremiah 10:23 [NIV]). what a great prayer. it's so true. we weren't created to live on this planet so that we could achieve status, fame, success for ourselves. we were created to have an intimate relationship with God, to proclaim His truth to all peoples. that's what it really is all about. and i struggle with that.

after a while, i began to realize that if any of my work was hanging up on the wall, i probably would have accredited that achievement to myself and not God. i would have thought to myself "hey, not bad, i'm pretty good". but because nothing of my work was showing, it was a good reminder that everything i do, is in the hands of God - that He's the one sustaining me, the One carrying me through all of this. it was also a good reminder that design isn't my thing - that there's greater plans in store for my life than design.

on a completely unrelated note, i was talking to justin yesterday, and there's a possibility we might go see SHANE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! okay, i think that shows my excitement. :) either in new york or michigan. it doesn't matter. we are going! well, as long as the date works out okay :P

i've got a psych test later on today. i didn't really have a chance to study for one of the 3 chapters, but because of all the snow craziness i'm not going to my class at sheridan this morning (why risk it?). so now i have an extra 4 hours to study for it :) all God's grace!

Posted by Leo Chan at March 5, 2003 8:26 AM