a final farewell

September 8, 2003

the hardest experience in life is losing a loved one. a person whom you've shared countless laughs, joys, tears, time, and experiences with. while all of us will inevitably go through this stage of life, i have never at any point thought it would have come so soon. typically, people encounter such loss when they are much older than i. perhaps when they've already established a family and have settled down or at the very least have progressed through more of life.

parts of me sometimes still cannot fathom what has happened. but that doesn't change the unchanging fact that it indeed is reality. sometimes i want to scream. sometimes i want to release my frustrations in any way i can. sometimes i want to cry. sometimes i wish i could hear his voice, or see him one more time, but i know it's not possible. i've been on a rollercoster of thoughts and emotions over the past while. and with school beginning, it doesn't help at all.

yesterday marked our 'final' farewell to eric. though final, in no way means "the end" or "finished" but simply a goodbye to his earthly body. the memories and his legacy will continue to live on, in the lives of all he influenced and encountered. especially mine. yesterday has been one of the most difficult days of my life. to say goodbye, meant that i had to come to the full realization that i will never hear, see, touch, smell or feel him again. words cannot express the magnitude of that.

i have not expressed to many people what i have gone through this past month. because i really don't know myself. i can't express what thoughts that have crossed my mind and still linger in it. and i can't express the emotions/feelings i've felt and that i still feel. the only thing that i've known through all of this, is the unchanging love of God. i've come to understand that God is my fortress; that He is my refuge in times of trouble and that He never will leave or forsake me. i've realized that His ways are higher than mine, and that He will indeed make everything beautiful in His time. if i did not know God, i do not know where i'd be.

goodbye eric. you were the one who has always been there for me, who has always supported me, who has always encouraged me. i know that you looked up to me and wanted to be like me, but what you didn't realize was that a large part of who i was/am, was because of you. so thank you. thank you for all the times you had faith in me when i didn't. thank you for all the times you came into my room to see how i was doing. thank you for shielding me from the harms of life. thank you for protecting me from that which i could not protect myself from. thank you for taking joy in my life. thank you for being there through all of my life experiences. you will be missed in ways that words cannot expressed. you'll always be in my heart. now and forever. and i long for that day when we will be reunited once again.

Posted by Leo Chan at September 8, 2003 12:50 AM