warning: difficult times ahead

September 10, 2003

"how many members are in your family?" she asked.

"three," i replied after a pause. it's a hard question for me to answer, because the truth of the matter is that there were four members in my family just a short time ago. now, there's only three. and it's weird. it's strange. it's surreal at times. it's something that i wish i could avoid facing. it's something that i'll be adjusting to for the rest of my life. when that question was posed to me today, it surely was an innocent one. it's just one of 'those' questions that you ask people when you're trying to get to know them. and it's not a difficult question to answer. but for me, it was.

i think i dread encountering two questions that will eventually be asked sometime down the road:
1. do you have any brothers or sisters?
2. how's your brother doing? (for those that who aren't aware of what happened)

and while it hasn't happened yet, it will; it's inevitable. i do not look forward to seeing school friends who will ask those questions to me. i do not look forward to having to tell that what's happened. i do not look forward to having to deal with their responses. but despite these feelings, i cannot deny the truth. i cannot deny what happened. i cannot put on a mask and pretend like everything is okay. because, it's not. i am hurting here. there's not a day that goes by that i am not thinking about my brother. i think about him everyday. some days more so than others. some days are even more emotional for me than others.

i realize the more i'm at school, the greater the chance of someone asking me one of the two above questions. and a large part of me wants to shy away and avoid everyone so that day never comes to pass. because i honestly don't know how i'll respond. but i will say this. i've said it many times before and i'll say it again. i trust that God will give me the grace and the strength to go forward. i trust that He is paving the way for my life, no matter how hard and trying it is for me now.

though school has only begun, i can already see how difficult a semester this will be in terms of course load. bundle that together with the move, and obligations at fellowship, i can't even imagine how packed my schedule will become and how little time i will have for myself (time which i so desparately need). why not take time off? i don't believe eric would have wanted that. he always pushed me to keep going. so i will press on, in the memory of him and with the assurance that paul wrote about in the book of philippians: "i can do everything through Him who gives me strength" (phillipians 4:13 [NIV])

Posted by Leo Chan at September 10, 2003 10:19 PM