i miss you

September 13, 2003

am i writing things that simply sound good to me?
am i deceiving the real feelings i harbour deep within myself by the things i say?
or am i trying to believe certain things that i want to be true, but that i simply believe at this time?

maybe it's a combination of all three of the above.
it's been one month today. it seems like an eternity has passed since then. i've looked into his room this past week, but nothing of his remains. all that once was is now either in a drawer or stuffed into a box in his closet. i miss him. i miss him terribly. and that is an enormous understatement. i wish i could hear his voice again, the way he spoke passionately about the things he believed in, or his sarcastic comments he always tended to make. i miss his laugh, his gestures, his facial reactions when he spoke. i miss everything about him. i wish he was here with me. i wish i could see him face to face. i wish i could tell him how much he meant to me. i wish i could tell him all that i thought of him. but i can't. and i won't be able to until the day God calls me back home.

today i searched through all his livejournal postings to read anything he wrote about me. i never realized how much he wrote about me in his day-to-day postings. i recalled reading an entry that he had written that was specifically about me, so i desparately searched for it until i found it once more. i'm glad i found it. his words struck a chord deep within my soul that resulted in, what may have been a release of bottled emotions that i've been holding for quite some time now. though i'm not trying to bottle anything up, i can't control how my heart/emotions respond.

i realize now that the things i've been writing are true in my mind, but make little to no connection to my heart. my mind has said 'goodbye' but my heart hasn't. my mind has come to understand what has happened, but my heart still hasn't. i honestly don't know how i'm to move on. school's already stressing me out, and it's only the first week.

i talked to tim the other day, about what's been going on. he suggested that perhaps taking some time off school might be a good idea. because to just get back into the 'swing of things' would not be at all healthy. to simply dive back into school, without coming to grips fully with all this, would be a grave injustice, not only to myself, but to eric. i've already realized that i'm not focused on school. that i really have no desire to attend classes or to put in any effort what-so-ever into my studies. not because i don't care, but because the importance of it has diminished, it's become really minor to me. so i'm going to see how it goes for another two weeks or so. at which case, i'll make a decision about whether to take time off school or not. i do want to continue with my studies, but i don't know how feasible that really is.

i feel helpless. i don't know what to do anymore. i don't know what to say to people. i don't know what i'm supposed to feel. i don't know how to move on. i feel blinded. i can no longer see. i need wisdom. i need perspective. i need to see that God is still painting on a canvas that's as big as the universe, and how my piece of the canvas fits into all of that. i need to know that God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purposes (romans 8:28). i do know these things. but in my heart of hearts, somehow these messages have gotten lost or misguided by the emotions that i've been feeling. i have to hold on. i have to.

Posted by Leo Chan at September 13, 2003 10:47 PM