"you look more serious"

September 20, 2003

an interesting few things were said to me on thursday while we were walking towards the j-wing at sheridan. my friend sylvia, whom i really haven't seen over the summer, pointed out some observations as we were talking. here they are in no particular order:

1) "you look more happy"
2) "you look more serious"
3) "something happened to you over the summer"

i was taken back when she said them. she thought i had met a girl over the summer, but little did she know what really happened. and so i reflected on those phrases, and my conclusions were this: #2 & #3 are definitely true, but #1, i'm not so sure. am i more happy? i don't think so. and so, i wondered if i was doing anything that would present to the world a facade of 'being more happy'. in truth, i'm the complete opposite in my heart of hearts. it still pains me dearly, and i believe will forever pain me when i think about what happened on august 13th, 2003. but, i recall pastor joe telling me that "i changed" after our trip to mexico, and so perhaps that change has been reflected in me "being more happy"? i don't know.

i was amazed at how perceptive she was. i wanted to tell her what happened, but the circumstance and the environment wasn't right. there were too many people around. i'm not looking for a sympathy fest from people. but it got me thinking. maybe i need to start telling people at school, because no one really knows. maybe i need to start telling people to let them know where i'm at. and i know it's hard, but i've been feeling that it needs to be done. that's not to say i need to broadcast the information to everyone i meet, but the people that i call 'friends', however close or far they are to me, should know. so, i think i will. not in large groups, but one on one or through e-mail. it's impersonal, i know, but that's the only method i feel is appropriate to tell them.

Posted by Leo Chan at September 20, 2003 10:16 AM