design woes
October 3, 2002
i've been struggling w/ staying in the bachelor of design program for quite some time now. and i think this year has amplified that struggle in my heart to such an extreme, that i now question whether or not i should continue in the program. to be honest, i hate the program. i think it's a waste of time. i do not learn anything that i find useful. i waste money, i waste time. for what? for a piece of paper that i have no interest in obtaining?
i'm going into seminary. i know that full well. but what do i do w/ the time before i head into it? maybe i was inspired the other day with music. i was impressed that rachel milstead (she's a vineyard worship leader) went into music to hone her skills as a worship leader. now that's useful! that's practical!!! and so i was thinking. what use is it to be in a program in which you have absolutely no interest in? what use is it!? so i'm kind of liking this whole getting into music thing. that's sweet. honing my skills as a worship leader. now that's a useful thing! very useful.
a part of me, a big part of me is screaming to get out. to get ouf of design as fast as i can. one of my classmates already switched out of the program this year, and i'm sure she's not the only one who has already done so. they've realized that the program is not for them. i realize the same thing. so why didn't i switch out of it before this year began? i guess it never occured to me? i'm not exactly the brightest of people in the world.
so what do i do? i have no idea. because i do believe that God placed me in the design program. because how the crap did i get in it? by Him. like it doesn't make sense that i'm in the program, because i don't cut it as a designer. and i really don't think i'm going to hold up for THREE more years. i mean, first year is like all the easy stuff. that's fine. but once you get into the upper years, i don't think i'm going to pull the grades that i need to pull. not because i wouldn't try hard, but because i'm not a designer. it's not who i am. so i'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. do i stay? is God truly calling me to be here? and if He is. that's one big sacrifice. to go against my will for 3 years in a program i hate. that's not an easy task. because my attitude towards the program is getting worse and worse, my desire and motivation to excel or at least do well has decreased almost to a point of zero. so it's possible that God would ask me to make this sacrifice for Him. but i always figured that God would place us in a place that would 'make sense'? you know? like He wouldn't create a person out to be a doctor and stick that person selling automobiles. it woudln't make sense!
but what do i know? all i know is this: i'm at a crossroads in my life and i need guidance to make a decision. because i am ready to switch out, asap. but if God wants me to stay in design, who am i to deny Him? i just need to hear from Him, clearly and precisely. and from that, i can have peace w/ whatever happens. it feels like my entire world is changing. i just left my church and am off seeking a new one and now this weird problem arises and has become a really huge deal.
i'm gonna be having a chat w/ tim on friday about all of this craziness.
but something interesting has happened. i watched 7:22 today. and it seemed like louie was talking about my situation in his sermon . just saying that if you're having a few crappy days, it might be satan trying to pull you away from God, trying to change who you worship type idea. and that's how i feel. i think satan is trying to do some re-ordering in my life? perhaps. but i am not going to let it happen. i'm a child of God. i'm the Son of the Father.. that's who i am. so it's really cool that the sermon just came at the 'right' time for me. it's given me some encouragement to press on. to press forward. to not let life smack me around (or for that matter, satan) because God's got all the authority in the world and i belong to Him!
Posted by Leo Chan at October 3, 2002 12:22 AM
