i'll bear the Cross
October 5, 2002
the verdict on my design studies?
as you might have guessed, i'm still going to continue you with it. i figured that it'd come to this, i just needed to confirmation/affirmation from someone else. it's not easy to go against yourself so readily. to me, this is a big sacrifice. i mean, i'm going to have to give up three more years of my life learning stuff that i'm not too fond of. but that doesn't matter. JESUS died on the Cross for me. who am i to say anything? i just hope that during the next 3 years, that i'll be able to participate in His work! :)
i finally had the chance to have lunch with tim today to talk about all this craziness and he's helped given me a very good perspective on things. i was already beginning to think that God was trying to reaffirm me on wednesday using louie's message to really strike a chord within me. but i guess i wanted more confirmation, and tim gave me that. he reminded me of all the things that have 'lined' up in order for me to get in design, like the fact that i got in was such a miracle, the fact that my parents could get me a car to allow me to drive to york & sheridan, the fact that my family has enough resources to put me through the program and other things like that.
i think one of the things he said really struck me. i guess i've told him about all my Christian friends and how i wanted to start a small group or what not. and he was perhaps suggesting that maybe a reason why i'm in the design program is to kind of 'pioneer' a small group type thing. to pave the way for Christians in the years to come. not that i believe i would be a part of anything like that, but it was just encouraging. and so i don't get my situation. i don't understand why God's placed me in my program nor do i understand why He's allowed me to have such a mean teacher (type II), but i realize that God has me in there, for some kind of reason, and that's all that matters.
mind you, i still have HUGE amounts of different feelings of inadequacy and doubt within me. i have no idea how i'm going to pull off one of my assignments. and for that matter, i don't if i'll pass the course. but God's carried me through first year as hard as it was. and because He's placed me here, He'll carry me through 2nd, 3rd and 4th year. no matter how much of a designer i am not. no matter how much i don't have the skills to do it. no matter what. it doesn't matter. God will carry me through it. i just have to keep remembering that.
when i think about what happened over this past week, i think it was a real strategic move of satan to get me when he did. cause the way i look at it, i don't have a home church anymore (tomorrow will be my first time away from markham EVER), all my good buddies are away at waterloo, and i don't have a fellowship to call 'home' yet (i'll be going to CCC, but i don't really know anyone there yet). and i've been having all these feelings of inadequacy this year of not making it. and then he hits me with like the two worst days of my life ever. and it shook me. it shook me to the core. but God's faithful and just. He will never let the ones He loves fall. isn't that awesome? :)
i thank God that i have someone like tim whom i can always go to whenever i need guidance/advice or just a friend to lean on! :)
my friend jung has been 'pushing' me to get an email out to our Christian friends in the program to start up the small group, so i finally got around to doing that today. you know, i think the most rewarding thing for me in these next three years would be to see some of the people in the program to come to Christ. and perhaps this small group could be a part of that. if all of us began praying for each other and the people in the program constantly, i believe that God would do some amazing things. and that would be so incredibly awesome :)
so with that, i'm heading off to bed. i'll be checking out bayview glen tomorrow morning! the church 'shopping' begins. :) perhaps this will be the one, i have no clue! still have to seek God in finding a right church. that's all for now! g'nite :)
Posted by Leo Chan at October 5, 2002 11:52 PM
