a sacrifice?

October 11, 2002

i've come to the realization that outgoing people really put me off. it's not that i can't stand them or anything, but their presence makes me feel strange. it puts me more into my observer/introspection mode. i've noticed that i really don't fit in bigger social atmospheres and that i can't stand being in them. i'd rather sit by myself/stand by myself/everything by myself than subject myself to meaningless chatter and noise. it just doesn't work for me. that's not who i am. i like to think/ponder/reflect on things that happen rather than comment on everything simply to fill that eerie silence.

so where am i getting this all from? i went to CCC today. i don't know what i expect from that place. but i still feel very much alienated there. like i don't belong, like i don't fit in. and that's exactly what i was thinking while i sat there today. but i don't let that get too much to me. i'll just stand around and stare off into space as time passes. i'm real good at that. i'm so used to being in uncomfortable situations, that it doesn't really affect me anymore. *sigh* will this ever change? is there any hope?

but i sat there thinking, this is about me and God - so who cares about everyone else. it doesn't matter if i feel weird - it doesn't even matter if i don't know anyone. i'm there for God. that's what it's all about. so when the guy came up to start his message, i was all set for it. it wasn't bad. i think he's from the campus cruasde HQ or something, but he was talking about daniel tonight. and more about faith. and yeah, it was totally hitting me on the head. i think God was just reaffirming with me that i'll be okay this year. that i don't need to worry about 'failing' or not 'cutting it' cuz He'll provide. He showed His faithfulness to me last year, so He'll still be faithful to me this year! even as i was reading through joshua yesterday, a verse talked about how God was faithful to the promises He made and that NONE of them were broken.

yes, i'm supposed to be in design. i think i'm getting the point :) i think God's also trying to change my evangelism view. and it's hard. hard like you wouldn't believe for me. here i am thinking that i'm not cut out to do the random evangelism cuz i'm more of the "life that leads to why" kind of guy. but does that exclude me from witnessing? no way. in no regard. but it's been my self-decpetive lie for myself for a long time. i won't have anything to do with random evangelism. why? cuz i don't think i'm cut out for it and i don't think it's the greatest way of doing things. but i think God's trying to change my mentality. and maybe even get me to do it? *shudder* oh my. that's so freaky. me. of all people. why me? i can't do it. i don't know what to say. i don't know how to do it. i'm an INTROVERT. i have enough problems trying to say a simple hello to strangers! but those are my issues, my excuses. as we sang our response song, God reminded me of louie's message about getting fat in the church. and i'm like oh dear. i think this means i have to do something now. maybe i should just get involved with the whole random evangelism. watching people do it? just being a part of the experience. i have to see york university as a big ministry place! not a place for 'education'.

the speaker was asking us what our biggest faith barrier was or what is the thing that we'd like to see God do. so i was thinking about that. what would i like to see God do? i'd LOVE to see Him just start bringing people in my design program to Him. to show them how much He loves them and just wrap them in His arms. now that would be the coolest thing ever. oh my, i'd like go crazy if that happen. it COULD. it's very possible. but we have to be CHANNELS for Him. and that scares me like nobody's business. i mean, not me. that's not possible. i'm like the wrong person!!!!! i'm the most wrongest person ever. but i think this small group or whatever you want to call, that we're gonna start is going to be a starting point for something awesome. so i really need to keep praying about it, keep thinking about it because i believe God's called me to start it, nurture it, see it come to pass. and what comes from there? i have no idea. but what i'd love to see is that we'd start praying for one another & people in our program and seeing those people fall in LOVE with the Savior.

that'd knock my socks right off! that would really be the coolest thing ever! :)

so back to the whole CCC thing. they went to kelseys tonight and so i was thinking that maybe i should go, just to get to know people. CCC ended, people started talking to people they know. and then there was me. by myself yet again. i think this is a trend. and i just hung around ever so cooly with myself. and as i stood there, i overheard people saying they needed a ride back home if they were going to kelseys. so i decide to open my big mouth and offer them rides. didn't know who they were, and it really didn't matter to me. i have a car. i have spaces. they need rides. what's the problem? a part of me feels like i'm just being used, stepped on, pushed aside, manipulated, taken for granted. but i offered to drive them. no one twisted my arm, begged me. i offered.

so off we went to kelseys. when we arrived, we realized that we'd have to wait for a long time. so we stood outside and people conversed. guess what happened? i was on the outside yet again (that was the 3rd time in one night - i think i'm going to set a record one of these days). they were all talking and having a jolly old time. and there i was. staring at the ground, staring at cars, staring at the sky. i noticed this other asian guy who was basically in the same position as me. so i felt like i should talk to him, say something. but i just couldn't. so we just stand there. and people talked. and i realized this. basically everyone at CCC is outgoing. that's why they can talk about all this different stuff and what have you. and then there's me. the quiet, shy one. and i was just thinking, "what am i doing here? i don't belong here. i'm not outgoing at all. i'm the complete opposite" but i just sucked it up because i already told people i'd drive them home, so i couldn't just leave. brett eventually noticed that i was on the outside and made a comment on it. and i was just saying how i'm used ot being the outsider. which is very true.

after a while, sari, a girl i met two weeks ago (and drove home two weeks ago), came out and i overheard her talking with this other girl about how she shouldn't walk back to campus. kelseys and york aren't that far, but for a girl to walk alone at night. that's just wrong. so i said, i'd drive her back. did she know me? nope. did i know her? nope. i just explained to her that it'd be better that way to drive her back to her res. so i did. turns out her name is erica and she's a first year student (seems like i'm meeting a lot of first year students at CCC!). i have no clue what program she's in because i forget. i think it was law? *shrugs* and then i drove back to kelseys.

by that time, this other girl came out and i was just standing around again. but she didn't know me, and so she's a little more outgoing than me, so she looked at me and introduced herself. her name is becky. and so i introduced myself to her and we started talking. remember that asian guy that i mentioned? well i finally introduced myself to him (yeah, i actually intoduced myself). his name is jason. i actually enjoyed the brief conversation that i had with becky. it was nice. and by then it was time to go in and eat. i had a pretty good time. i enjoyed the conversations i had with the people around me: brett, constentien (i have no idea how to spell his name), melissa, jason and becky. i couldn't really hear brett & becky a lot of the times and i wished that i could. but yeah it was fun! i hope i can get to know them better as time passes on! :) but yeah, this was like the first time i really got to talk to people at CCC. it was cool. very cool! i really had a great time tonight despite all the times of awkwardness/uncomfortableness that i expereienced (and it was a lot too!).

i ended up driving home like a full car's worth of people: sari, ilayna, maive (i think), and a guy named andrew. 3 of them lived in scarborough & one lived right near me. i was just thinking during the car ride, am i going to have to do this every week? that'll be interesting. i can't refuse rides to people. i don't know how. i can't. i have a car. i always have empty seats. maybe God's trying to teach me something through it? servanthood? humility? sacrifice? it's gotta be. i always end up driving people i don't know home. and i don't mind. it doesn't bother me at all. cuz i'm used to it. but another parts of me thinks that i'm just being used. you know? that they don't really care - they just need a ride home. but i'm sure it's not like that? i hope not.

so yah, i really pray that God'll open up opportunties for me to connect with people in the fellowship - really get to know them, get to know what makes them tick, that sort of stuff. that would be awesome. i'd love it. they could teach me so much! i just know it.

that's all from me tonight. g'nite :)

Posted by Leo Chan at October 11, 2002 12:54 AM