who am i?

September 16, 2002

i don't know who i am anymore.

i feel like i'm drifting away from everything and everyone. it's as if a part of me died; an important part of me.
i don't feel joy even though there have been some incredible things happening - things that would normally make me off-the-wall happy, ecstatic, jumping for joy, that kinda idea. all i feel is a want to be joyful. i feel like i'm completely emotionless. sometimes thing will cause a 'peak' in my feelings, but it's not really that drastic. i don't get it. i don't know what's happening in me.

maybe it's because i haven't been in the Word lately. and because i haven't been connected to the One who sustains me and has given me my identity, perhaps that's the reason of all my strangeness? i think it is.

so i decided to do something about it today. i read joshua. "do not let this book of the law depart from your mouth: medidate on it day and night" (joshua 1:8) and i think God affirmed it in my heart.

i realized over this past week that my faith in God really isn't as strong as i would have like to believe. i wonder if the great 'faith' giants had their ups and downs with God. questioning Him when things happened, and maybe even getting just downright upset with Him. that's what it was like for me. and all the intellectual stuff that i know about God, it didn't help at all. "God's in control" or "it's not His time yet" - i knew all that. and a part of me was just like, that's enough. i don't care. it doesn't help. my human frality is a lot more than i had thought perhaps God is trying to show me that i still have a long way to go, more so than i previously thought.

i noticed an interesting phenomenon this evening as i drove home from the hospital. it was raining a little bit, so the road was wet. and i was just driving home when i noticed the way the light refracted from the headlights of cars on the road's surface. like the light from the headlights of the car was changing the surface/the nature of the road. and to me, it was special. it meant something. it was another one of those 'spiritual' ordinary experiences. i felt like it was a good picture of the light of Christ in us. that it radiates beyond us, affecting people around us. whether we know it or not. but if the light of Christ lives and dwells within us, it'll make a difference to the people around us! just like how the light from the headlights affected the road around it.

on saturday, i heard a nice quote from star trek voyager. commander tuvlak said it to kes: "if there was no darkness, how could you see the light?" - i thought about the question about why God would create Satan - and i think the quote answers it quite well. if we didn't know what the evil was and only what good was - what need of God would we have? only in the presence of evil, do we understand the concept of goodness. in the absence of evil, we would only be in this certain state, not knowing what good or evil was.

my thoughts are all jumbled tonight. i'm really stressed out about school. i'm worried about 2nd year. that i won't be able to do it. *sigh* i'm scared. i don't know if i have what it takes to stay in this year. from the looks of things, i don't. i can't even find information on my type designer. and i don't really have any ideas for my other project. in the back of my mind, i know that God has placed me in the program and that He'll carry me through like last year. but something inside of me won't let me believe it.

i'm tired and i'm frustrated. lately almost everything pisses me off.

i need You God......... i can't do anything.

Posted by Leo Chan at September 16, 2002 1:17 AM