run?

January 17, 2004

two of the classes i'm taking this semester require us to write a journal about our experiences, feelings and thoughts we have in class. length is up to us. content is up to us. these classes are theatre classes, classes that involve high levels of interaction and participation. as an introverted person, classes like these are extremely difficult for me. why? because i'm shy. i'd rather retreat into the corner, away from everyone and observe what's happening. heck, let's be honest. i'd rather retreat away from these types of classes altogther. in fact, one of my entries in my journal for class was about how i wanted to run away. i could come up with a million reasons why i should drop the class, a million reasons why i didn't need it, a million reasons how i could make up for it. in fact, staying in the classes has been an internal struggle of sorts.

so why am i taking them? there's two reasons really. one, i need them. well, i don't need them specifically, but i do need two half-year courses in fine arts to graduate next year. and so i wanted to get them over with this semester. two, knowing the nature of these courses before i enrolled, i knew that it was going to be challenging for me socially. but a part of me wanted that challenge. a part of me craved it. why? i'm not sure exactly. i knew how uncomfortable i would become, and believe me, i'm really uncomfortable. but i wanted to be stretched.

my natural instinct in uncomfortable situations is to run, to retreat, to go back to what is comfortable. this is not an individual character trait of mine. it's universal. all humans have it. because all of us like to be in familiarity, in safety, in comfort. we like to be secure in where we are and our surroundings. take that away from us, and we become scared and unsure.

i began reflecting on this last week. and the following crossed my mind. if i was willing to stretch myself socially, despite all my feelings of discomfort and my burning desire to run, would i be equally willing to allow myself to be stretched in my faith? and before i can fully answer that, i need to understand what that entails. we need to fully understand what that entails.

Jesus didn't call us to live a comfortable, easy and safe life. the things He did were radical and 'dangerous'. the things He did shocked communities and people, to the point where He was considered blasphemous. do you think that was easy for Him? He was human, like the rest of us. He felt the things we feel. it couldn't have been easy. but nonetheless, He did what was right, despite opposition.

we cannot be satisfied with being comfortable. in fact, the more comfortable we are and the longer we remain comfortable, the harder it becomes to break free from it. in mexico, part of the work we did was to clear out the back of a local clinic with machetes. it was labour intensive work, and we were told to take breaks as often as we needed. since i wasn't in the best of shape then, i took frequent breaks. and i realized something. the longer i sat down, the harder it was for me to get back up. the more i sat there, the less i wanted to move, the less i wanted to do anything really. and that's the problem for some of us Christians. we've grown up in the church, so comfortably that the thought of being stretched or challenged isn't very appealing. and so we dismiss it easily, not thinking twice about it. what happens, is that we become fat, obesse Christians. we hoard the word of God to ourselves.

how can we say we love Jesus if we are unwilling to step out of our comfort zones and be stretched by Him? if we are unwilling to let Him stretch us, we are not yielding our lives in full surrunder to Him. it comes down to this. whose life is it to begin with anyways?

don't run. don't flee to those areas of comfort and security. if God is calling you to foreign places, step out in faith. yes, it'll involve uncertainity. it'll involve you to not know what'll be around the corner or having all the details. but in that, you'll see God do the things only He can do.

"if anyone would come after me, he must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me" - luke 9:23 (NIV)