holding on by a string

December 22, 2004

Lord i'm tired
so tired from walking
and Lord i'm so alone
and Lord the dark
is creeping in
creeping up
to swallow me
i think i'll stop
rest here a while

and this is all that i can say right now (i know it's not much)
and this is all that i can give (yeah that's my everything)

and didn't You see me cry'n?
and didn't You hear me call Your name?
wasn't it You i gave my heart to?
i wish You'd remember
where You sat it down

and this is all that i can say right now (i know it's not much)
and this is all that i can give (yeah that's my everything)

i didn't notice You were standing here
i didn't know that
that was You holding me
i didn't notice You were cry'n too
i didn't know that
that was You washing my feet

and this is all that i can say right now (i know it's not much)
and this is all that i can give (yeah that's my everything)

when will it end?
i'm sick and i recently developed folliculitis. i got sick by being outside in the cold (sunday night) for about 10 seconds, the time it took to walk from a warm house to a really cold car. i was shivering the entire way home and i shivered in my house, despite my efforts of trying to warm myself up for 45 minutes. it felt like my life force was draining away from me. i went to bed shivering. i woke up feeling like death monday morning (huge headache, body aches all over, especially the entire spine and shoulder blades) and developed a cold, a dry hacking cough, running nose, stuffed nose, and chest congestion. i don't sleep well any more either (sleep that i desperately need as a fm patient), i mean how could you when you wake up several times in the middle of the night with a hacking cough? all this from being exposed for 10 seconds. my other friends who walked the same 10 seconds are all fine; they don't have fibromyalgia. fm patients don't fare so well in the cold because their muscles are already very tight to begin with and the added cold elevates that, something i really learned sunday night. yesterday i noticed some bumps on my neck, resembling what i thought was a return of shingles. turns out it's folliculitis. it seems to have gotten worse today and there's much more pain in the neck now. oh the fun.

the devil knows where i'm the weakest; my health and he's rocking me. i'm hanging on by a very thin string right now. i can't take this anymore, i really can't. as if i haven't had enough... how much longer must i suffer? how much longer must i be in pain? i'm trying to see the new day, i really am, but my cynicism is taking over. i need some hope again and i need it soon. i can't wait for heaven where all of this will be no more.

Posted by Leo Chan at December 22, 2004 11:46 PM