gone in a matter of moments

January 16, 2005

the phone rings. my mom calls from home and to my horror, i learn that my dad decided to clean up all of eric's boxes in the basement. what was even worse, was he had already done it. there was nothing i could say or do, to somehow stop this complete rampage. of all the things he could have cleaned, why did it have to be this? why? i had been very explicit about eric's stuff. i would take care of it when i had the time.

maybe i've put off clearing up his stuff for a little too long, but what do you want me to do? he was my brother. there's no way i could have ever or will ever let go of him. and sure there's no point in keeping the stuff down there, but nonetheless. perhaps i'm still trying to hold on or cling to what was? i mean i still do have his stuffed animals in my room and every time people come over to the house for the first time, there's always questions as to why i have two pooh bears, two eeyores and two snuffs in there. one set of them were my eric's and one were mine. we used to play with them, "pretend," that wildly exciting thing that kids did with their stuffed animals and their imaginations. story lines would develop, characters would form, the possibilities were endless so long as your imagination kept up. we continued on this childhood activity all the way up until he left. maybe there's something wrong with a 23 and a 21 year old playing with their stuffed animals, but it was our bonding time. that's what we did when we were kids, and that's what we did when we got older. those were good memories i have of him and i will not, i refuse to let them go. i'll probably keep all those stuffed animals for years to come, if not indefinitely. eric loved his pooh bear. pooh went wherever he went. he hugged him all the time too: when he was sleeping, when he was at the computer, when he read, or when he was sad. i guess it's through his pooh bear, that i can relive those memories. it's almost as if he was still here... perhaps that's my way of coping still.

i dreaded coming home tonight in fear of what i might see since i knew what had happened. when i walked in the house, i walked straight upstairs, avoiding the basement altogether. but i had to see what my dad did. and so slowly, i got the courage to look. i got my flashlight and headed downstairs. and it was exactly how my mom described. the basement was in a complete and utter mess; boxes everywhere. the once neat and tidy basement was overturned in a matter of moments. all of eric's boxes were scattered everywhere, some opened, some not. i briefly went down to salvage some of the remains, but how do i know if there were other things thrown away, etc.? i don't. what used to be a neat stack of eric's boxes turned into a whirlwind of mess.

in addition to all this, my mom had to go to emerg on thursday because she was having a lot of stomach pains. i spent the entire day worrying about her. i'm not very good about this medical stuff, but going to emerg is never a good thing. and there's always possibilities that things could go wrong if surgery happens... i didn't know how to reach my mom cuz her cell phone was off, so i was pretty much left in the dark until she would call. but she only called like once or twice. my mom stayed over at the hospital both thursday and friday night. i went to see her friday morning. there's too many unpleasant memories at that hospital for me so it was really hard being back there, especially because this time my mom was in the bed. i love my mom. she's like one of my best friends. so if anything were to happen to her, i don't know what i do. fortunately, friday night, my mom calls me to tell me that the antibiotics seemed to be working according to the surgeon, and that she wouldn't need to have surgery. though the doctors still need to do some tests and stuff. she was dispatched yesterday morning.

my heart can't take much more of this. i'm only human. i wonder sometimes if i'll just eventually breakdown and crash. my body already has begun, seen through all the multitudes of sickness i've been inflicted with in these past few months. it's only my mind, my spirit, my will, my faith that persists, that hangs on. but even that is wearing thin. there's only so much a person can take, that i can take. the good news, however, in spite of all this, is that while i'm so weak, God is not. His grace is sufficient and His power is made perfect in weakness, in my weakness (see 2 corinthians 12:9).

but like i've said many times before, i simply cannot wait for heaven. it might be weird to desire heaven at such a young age, but let me tell you, that is where it's at. there's no more of this pain, suffering, injustice, cruelty, etc, that we see in this forsaken world up there. it's going to be awesome. i'm good to go anytime, but as long as God has me here on earth, i want to obediently follow Him in whatever He calls me to do.

Posted by Leo Chan at January 16, 2005 10:46 PM