outwardly wasting away

January 24, 2005

"therefore we do not lose heart. though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. for our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all" - 2 corinthians 4:16-17 [NIV]

oh if i could only be able to trust and believe in that everyday. the pains in my body are escalating. my left forearm and shoulder blade have been especially bad as of late (since the weekend), along with my neck and shoulders. while i thought the pains had subsided a little, it has once again reared its ugly head and it's not going to go away, despite my persistent, but feeble efforts to combat it. one of the most frustrating things about my condition, is that though i try everything i can possibly do to lessen the effects, they seem almost futile. i sleep early (between 10 - 11 pm) so i can get up every morning to head to the pool (anywhere between 6 - 7 am) because exercise is good for relaxing muscles. i head downtown to get trigger point injections at least once a month. i wear a magnetic bracelet. i sleep on a magnetic mattress. i take muscle relaxants daily, along with msm, shark cartilage, glucosamine, ester c and a multi-vitamin. and last term, i went to get acupressure regularly.

one thing i cannot fight is the forces of nature, the elements. i think this recent rise of pain is because of the cold spells we've been having in toronto. it also may be due to the high amounts of stress i'm experiencing; a very high possibility. my doctor on wednesday confirmed that fm patients are hypersensitive to cold. in fact, some fm patients can get chills simply by lifting up their sleeve. while i'm not that bad, the cold is still rocking me nonetheless, causing more pain than normal and a lot less energy.

chronic pain is very taxing on your spirits. if you've been having a lot of good days (good days, to me is defined as the pain in the body is almost non-existent), one bad day can be a real downer. there's always the hope that the pain will not come back. so if the pain suddenly gets worse, and remains, it's really tough. that's the thing with expectations, it sets you up for a big fall.

i've begun reading a book called "waking the dead" by john eldredge. it's all about reclaiming our hearts to be fully alive—a theme that's been resonating with me for the longest time, but especially over the past two months. i felt it'd be quite fitting to read the book, since all it had been doing was collecting a nice pile of dust on itself. john brings up a lot of interesting points in the book, things that i'm thinking a lot about nowadays. the biggest thing is probably this, "the glory of God is man fully alive." like wow. that boggles my mind. he also talks a lot about the current state of how we are. we've been lied to by the enemy and we've listened to those lies without knowing it. it's war. we're in a furious battle, one that will not end until Jesus returns. it's so easy to forget it, especially when our lives are going well, when the "sun is shining down on us."

i guess the positive thing about being in my situation, is that i rarely have these moments when life is just going well (yes, it sounds depressing, but that's the reality of it for me. life isn't "well" when you're in constant pain). thus, i'm not as prone to forgetting that the devil is throwing whatever he's got in his arsenal at me, to break me down and destroy me. that is what he's doing everyday to me. the thing with me though, is i'm a fighter. i fight for what i believe in, no matter what it takes. the more i realize how deceitful and destructive the devil is, the more i want to stand up and fight. it's war. i'm not about to let him win. he's not going to trample over me like he might on other people. not me. no way. i won't allow it. no matter how much i fall, how battered i become, how low i sink, i still fight.

i can't say that there aren't times when i want to throw in the towel, to just give it all up—my mind is still susceptible to the enemy's lies. but, the spirit in me will not give in. that's why i cling to Christ. He's the only one that can sustain and hold me. He's the only one that can renew me. He's the only one that understands what i face everyday (since no one knows what it's like to be in this body on a day-to-day basis). that gives me the hope and the motivation to press on—to be renewed inwardly every day, while my outward body wastes away. but it's still hard. though inwardly i'm renewed every day, my outward body is still wasting away. it really affects my inner spirits. the worst is when the pain is so great that i'm forced to stop activities to try and alleviate some of it (i.e. writing/using the computer/playing guitar). but in all of this, i guess the key is figuring out how to not let the outward body affect the inner spirit. maybe that's through constantly fixing our gaze on the author and perfecter of our faith, understanding who we are in Christ, understanding that every day is a gift from God, and understanding that we are loved, chosen, holy and His.

do not lose heart, o heart of mine.

"endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as sons. for what son is not disciplined by his father? if you are not disciplined (and everyone undergoes discipline), then you are illegitimate children and not true sons. moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. how much more should we submit to the Father of our spirits and live! our fathers disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness. no discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it." - hebrews 12:7-11 [NIV]

Posted by Leo Chan at January 24, 2005 6:46 PM