heart check-up

February 3, 2005

"i know that i care about something if i worry about it"

my counselor at church said this in passing on sunday while sharing with us. it was so insightful. i think i just might have stopped paying attention momentarily to think about it (and memorize it) as he spoke. i thought it would be a good idea to think about all the stuff i worried about, in case i cared about things that i wasn't aware of. the more i thought, the more i uncovered, like a detective hot on the trial of solving the mystery. i realized there were a lot of underlying issues that i had put off for too long. that statement was the oil for the rusty gears in my heart that stopped turning about 1.5 years ago. and while i don't know exactly what it means yet, except that the wheels have begun to turn once again, and perhaps it's time i went down to check out what the conditions of the wheels are like.

as i'm nearing the end of "waking the dead," it's getting to a point where a lot of soul-searching/investigation needs to be done. that is, if i truly wish to have a heart that is whole, one that is fully alive. i find myself, scared. apprehensive. afraid to go down into the depths of my heart because of what i know i will find there. i know there's a lot of brokenness, things that i have pushed down that i didn't know how or want to deal with. perhaps i'm scared of finding other things down there too. so there my heart sits, lingering in its broken state, waiting for restoration and renewal.

when eric left this earth, a big part of me died. maybe it was my spirits, or my heart, or both. my heart was crushed, shattered into millions of pieces. i never knew how to deal with it, except that all i could do was trust the only One i knew to trust. but in the months to come, without my knowledge, my heart had gotten up and headed for high places, up to the lofty peaks of the mountains where no one dare ventures, never to return, never to be hurt again.

to be honest, i don't know if my heart has ever come back to me, even partially. for a long time, i was very closed off to people, setting up walls, defense mechanisms to protect myself. like a wounded soldier in battle, i retreated to the heavily fortified bunkers for protection. there would be no more wounds, or at the very least, very low chance for it. i didn't want to let anyone in, i couldn't. how can you trust again when you've been hurt so bad? i had no other choice but to try and keep things to myself, to keep it all in and make it on my own. besides, no one could understand what i was going through anyway. nor did anyone bother to ask (maybe because no one knew how to respond). somewhere along the way, i realized just how closed off i had become. i realized my heart had checked out. it was only then, that i realized i had to let my guard down and let people in. but it's been tough. i think i still hold my darkest fears and struggles within. some of which, i may not even be aware of.

with the recent events causing me to think a lot more about eric, i think it's time that i started to revisit how his death has affected me. reading this book has been a very timely thing. i finally realize that it's time i went to look for my heart; to journey into the mountains, to venture into the uncharted territories and get it back. to fight for it. i want what's rightfully mine. the glory of God is man fully alive. man can only be fully alive if he's got his heart, and it's whole. john mentions a lot about how unresolved emotional baggage can be spiritual strongholds for the enemy to come in. that seems to be so true of me. i don't think i've ever resolved what happened. i mean how can you? and though mentally i think i've dealt with it, my body doesn't seem to agree. which perhaps means i'm unconsciously blocking things and this is the way it manifests itself in my body. i think a big factor for my fibromyalgia is because of eric's death. fm can be caused by traumatic, highly stressful events. i can't think of anything more traumatic or stressful than that. while my doctor thinks it's mainly a spinal thing, i tend to differ (despite my huge lack of medical knowledge).

this journey is going to be tough emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. but it must be done. i cannot put it off any longer.

"He gives wisdom to the wise and knowledge to the discerning. He reveals deep and hidden things; He knows what lies in darkness, and light dwells with Him" - daniel 2:21-22 [NIV]

Posted by Leo Chan at February 3, 2005 8:31 PM