and so it begins

March 24, 2005

i realize that i tend to make mountains out of mole hills when it comes to task-oriented things. i get myself all worked up over doing a presentation or speech—things that don't seem to phase other people. in the course of my life, public speaking has always got me very nervous. i worry that i'll forget my lines, i worry about what other people might think of me after my presentation/speech, i worry that i'll get grilled at the end of it with questions i don't know how to answer. there's a lot of uncertainty for me.

i think the deeper underlying issue is my lack of self-esteem. i think self-esteem is something a LOT of people struggle with, especially children that have traditional chinese parents. these parents set high, sometimes unrealistic expectations for their kids. "only 100%? why couldn't you get over 100%?" these parents focus on the unachieved, not the achieved. and this does not boost self-esteem. children end up striving towards perfection in order to please their parents, to gain their approval. but it isn't possible. these parents are never really satisfied with their kids. and so begins a vicious cycle for their kids. what results, is kids who are not satisfied or confident in themselves. they never got the approval they should have received from their parents. i have chinese parents. it happened to me too.

over the past month, i've been thinking a lot about my portfolio assessment that is happening in just a few hours. i've been really worried that i would somehow flub the presentation and thus somehow prevent my graduation. i worry that i'll completely forget what i'm going to say (because of my bad memory). i worry that my work isn't good enough, not up-to-par. i worry that i don't know what i'm talking about when presenting my work. these are all very irrational fears, but somehow i cannot help think them. i want to trust God with it. i know He's got my back, that He's not going to simply leaving me hanging. i know that He works for the good of those who love Him (romans 8:28). i know He's gotten me into this program and that He will see it to fruition (philippians 1:6). but somehow what i know has not made that journey down into my heart.

maybe it's because of my lack of faith. maybe it's because i'm too self-absorbed on what i can or cannot do, and not enough on what He can do (everything and anything). even despite the efforts of many people who have encouraged me about the assessment, i somehow have deflected some of their comments. i still doubt in spite of their faith in me. my teachers have said i have a firm grip on it, my classmates said i'll do great, friends and family have encouraged me that everything will be fine. and while i very much appreciate all the support and encouragement, i can't seem to shake that feeling of dread. there's so many variables, one huge one being the assessors you get. i used to think that i really trusted God with everything, that i had a lot of faith, but now i wonder. i mean, sure, i have trusted God with a lot bigger things in the past, about my brother, about my health situation, even about my mom's recent surgery. so why am i so fickle about this?

but now that i think about it, i'm quite convinced a lot of these doubts and fears has been the devil. right after a host of encouragement last night, all these fears began to rise up and surface. negative thoughts flooded my mind. a very strategic move by the devil i must say. "right after leo's encouraged, let's knock him down." i literally had to fight off these thoughts with the Word of God. i claimed the promise of philippians 1:6, matthew 19:26 and romans 8:28.

and so with that, off i go. i've done everything i can to prepare for this assessment: i spent two weeks on polishing what i was going to say, when pieces would be in my portfolio and i even rehearsed it eight times, two times with jer. but human effort only goes so far. the rest is up to God. i leave it all in His hands. today, i will choose to trust Him who is capable to do all things. i will choose to believe that God works for the good of those who love Him. i will choose to believe that God will carry me through what He has begun.

"now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! amen" - ephesians 3:20-21 [NIV]

Posted by Leo Chan at March 24, 2005 8:53 AM