finishing well

May 10, 2005

last wednesday, as i was swimming, this man jumped into the space beside me. i couldn't help but observe how he swam—he was right beside me after all. when swimming laps, it's ideal to keep up the pace. the problem is that there's a typical slow down when reaching the edge (after all, who wants to bang their hand on the wall?). to combat this, pro swimmers will flip underwater, push off the edge with their feet and continue in the opposite direction (this happens underwater for a brief period). not-so-pro swimmers (like myself) will spin the body quickly, and push off the edge with their feet and continue in the opposite direction (also swimming underwater for a brief period). the man beside me had a particularly graceful push-off. it looked good and it worked well. at first, i thought he was a really good swimmer. he would end up about 2/5-1/2 of the way to the other side after surfacing. i'm not so graceful—my push-off doesn't work so well. i probably end up 1/4 to the other side, but the thing is, i get there. this man didn't. he struggled tremendously. in fact, i don't think he ever reached the other side. after struggling for a while, he would give up and walk to the side. his stroke looked like a dog frantically trying to stay afloat in the water (i suppose that's what a doggie paddle is).

i found this very interesting. here was this guy who started off so gracefully but struggled immediately afterwards and could not finish. he started well, but could not finish. i couldn't help but think how that's so very true for many Christians. they start off well, doing all the things a Christian is "supposed" to do: reading the Bible, praying, going to church, joining a fellowship/small group, doing devotions. but after a while, that zeal and zest for God diminishes. the sweet aroma of Christ no longer smells as sweet. things start becoming bland, routine, stagnant. the honeymoon period is over. some people give up (like the man in the pool) and walk away from the faith because they didn't realize what it would be like in the long-haul. i'm reminded of the parable of the sower (matthew 13).

what about us? are we struggling like the man in the pool? struggling to get to the other side? do we want to give up and just throw in the towel? or are we able to get to the other side? it may not be graceful or quick, but the point is getting there. athletes who train as sprinters and as long-distance runners are very different. they use different muscle groups (from what i understand) and they train differently. sprinters train for the short-term. they build up strong muscles, so they can explode out of the gate. cross country runners are different. they train for the long-term. it's about building up endurance. i feel like a lot of Christians are like sprinters. we train for the short-term. we do all the things a Christian is supposed to do. and the problem is, it becomes so much about our own efforts.

one thing louie giglio likes to say, is that living the Christian life is not hard, it's impossible. and in fact, the only man who was able to pull it off in all of history was Christ. we can't live the Christian life in our own. we need help. it's through the Holy Spirit that we can live this life. a lot of Christians are deluded into thinking that accepting Christ means countless blessings and happy days for the rest of their life. in fact, it's the complete opposite. when you accept Christ, life becomes that much harder. maybe it's because we become on the offensive and the devil tries everything in his power to stop you from growing. if you're for the Kingdom of God you are against the principalities of darkness, it's as simple as that. and when trials and struggles come, those who are trying to live the Christian life on their own will fail miserably. it's only through Him that we can persist, that we can push forward, that we can live this life.

i have to admit that it's been tough for me living with my condition. i don't talk about it because no knows (my age) what i go through on a day-to-day basis. i also don't talk about it because i don't want to complain about my circumstance. but maybe that decision hasn't been the best course of action. i realized yesterday that there's a spirit of bitterness in me with regards to having fibromyalgia.

everyday i'm reminded of what i cannot do. my doctor suggested that i avoid running, because it would add more downward pressure to my spine. since the discs are misaligned, it wouldn't be a good idea. the thing is, i'm restricted tremendously because of that. i lot of the guys do sports together as a chance to hang out with one another. i used to love doing that. i mean yeah the sport itself is fun, but the company is that much better. and now i don't get a chance at that anymore. now i won't have another shot of playing football, softball, tennis, volleyball, etc. for who knows how long. my favourite sport is tennis, and i haven't played it ever since i developed this condition (january 2004). that's one year and four months ago. every time someone asks me to play football or softball, i'm reminded of the limitations of my body because of fm. the only thing i can do now is swim. i don't even like swimming that much. but if i don't swim, the pain levels in my body skyrockets, so i have no choice. i do it to keep the pain at an 'acceptable' level. the other thing is that i'm no where as strong as i used to be, which also restricts other things i do: using the computer, holding cameras (the weight gets too heavy, causing pain), playing instruments (i can't play guitar/bass for very long), holding babies, typing (i type a lot slower now), to list a few. i had been thinking about doing some volunteer work since i have so much time. i typically like to do behind the scenes stuff, like sorting, lifting, organizing things, but i can't do that anymore either.

i wonder, how long o Lord? how long must i wait? how long must i remain like this? will it ever be lifted? will i ever be normal again? my doctor had said that hopefully in three to five years, that these symptoms would be gone. the body is amazing at healing itself. but i wonder. i don't think my body has gotten better over the past eight months. in the words of king david, "how long, O LORD? will you forget me forever? how long will you hide your face from me? how long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? how long will my enemy triumph over me?" psalm 13:1-2 [NIV]

i was feeling really down this morning. yesterday my whole body was in crazy pain. my neck hurt so bad that i could barely move it. and because my neck was in pain, i had a really bad headache. i couldn't really do much about it either. i think it was the result of me twisting my neck on saturday during a wedding dinner i was at. i guess i don't always remember that everything i do now has to be treated more cautiously. because i'm not normal. things i used to do affects my body in a lot bigger ways now, and almost always in negative ways. what really gets me down about all this, is that i hope that somewhere down the road i'll be better from this condition. and when days like this come, my hope is shattered, crushed.

but like i've said before, my spirit does not give up, no matter how bleak or down i get. and i know that God has never and will not give up on me either (see deut. 31:6). every time i feel like i've reached the end of my rope, God is always there to restore me and lift me back up. it was the same case this morning. i was praying last night and this morning, just telling God how i was feeling about things, and on my drive home, i was listening to a CD, and the song was so fitting for me (it seems like this happens a LOT. i love music). and as i listened, i made it my prayer, and i knew God was speaking over me, whispering His words of love, comfort and reassurance and wrapping me in His loving arms.

one thing that herman said on sunday really resonated with me. it was about how God uses broken things and does miracles with them. take for example, the feeding of the five thousand. Christ broke the bread to perform the miracle. when i look at my life, i see brokenness. i've been broken in a lot of areas in my life. eric's death, my health, and more recently, my parents' health. in the past week, i had two really big scares, one with my mom's health and one with my dad's health. i won't get into them, but needless to say, it seems like death is always around the corner in my family. that's something i cannot deal with. i'm not even over eric. i couldn't deal with anything more... i think i'm still very broken in those areas and it's to a point where i long to be with Jesus in heaven, where all this pain will be no more. but as i've said, as long as i'm here, all i want is to see God glorified and magnified through this life. so if God uses broken things, and does miracles with them, here i am. i know God has allowed all this craziness to happen for His purposes and i have this feeling that He's going to use me for things that would blow my mind if He laid it all out for me at once.

i pray that the struggles, the pains, the joys, everything that i've gone through will help bring glory to His Name and His Kingdom. i want to finish this race. i don't want to be like that guy in the pool who started off well but never finished. i can't be that guy. i won't be that guy. by the grace of God, i will persevere until the end. i must. for as long as i shall live, i will fight until that one glorious day when He takes me home.

"i consider my life worth nothing to me, if only i may finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me—the task of testifying to the gospel of God's grace" - acts 20:24 [NIV]

Posted by Leo Chan at May 10, 2005 6:23 PM