punctured

May 25, 2005

a few weeks ago, i noticed that my tires screeched when i turned a fast corner. from what i understand, tires screech for two reasons: 1) if the speed is too fast and 2) if the tires are under-inflated. i knew it wasn't due to speed because i had turned at higher speeds before and there never was any sound. so i checked out the tire pressure of each wheel. i discovered that they were all under-inflated by 10 psi (driving on under-inflated tires is very dangerous). i immediately told my dad and we filled the air up to the proper levels. he speculated that there might have been issues when the tires were mounted (i had recently switched from winter tears to my regular all-season ones) and that i should monitor the tire pressure the next day. i did just that. they all seemed normal.

about two weeks after, i noticed that there was tire screech when i turned a fast corner. i checked the tire pressure of each wheel and they turned out consistent with the earlier measures, except for the front left wheel. it had lost about 10 psi of pressure in less than two weeks. something was definitely wrong. i talked to my dad again and he said it could only be two things: 1) my tire had a nail (or something that punctured it) or 2) the tire wasn't sealed properly to the wheel. he told me to bring it back to the guy who had switched my tires, so i did.

i should mention that i know absolutely nothing about cars. when i brought my car to the guy's shop, he told me that i could have a seat. i asked him if i could watch because i never saw anyone remove a tire from a car before. he didn't mind. after he removed the wheel, he started to spray soapy water on the tire and began a very close examination it. he was trying to determine if there was an air leak or not. it was pretty ingenious. if there is air leaking, the soapy water will start bubbling up around the leak (i'd imagine this happens because the air pushes enough force against the soapy water on the surface to form bubbles). he spent a great deal of doing this before he found the leak. it was like looking for a needle in a haystack.

eventually, he spotted that the bubbles were forming around one area. the tire had been damaged (it was visible). he knew it was a nail. he got the tools he needed to remove it. after some time, he managed to pull the entire nail out. it was HUGE. it must have been between 2.5-3 inches. the entire nail had gone straight into the tire—it was completely concealed. the only reason why i found out this problem existed was because of my sensitive ears. i normally crank my stereo up when i drive, and despite that, my ears could still pick up the screeching of tires through the sound.

this whole deal was very interesting to me. as i sat on the couch and watched the guy pull the nail out of the tire, i thought about what it meant in my life. what was God trying to tell me? this all happened last tuesday (may 17). the day before, i had gone to see a psychologist. i've been wanting to see one for a while now. a lot of psychologists believe that the mind and the body are linked. i'm a firm believer of this too. i know full well that a lot of my health problems are because of repression. repression has a way of trickling down to the body and causing all sorts of unexplainable health problems. and since repression isn't in your conscious, i knew i needed help to get in there and deal with it.

it was pretty strange seeing the guy. i was actually scared sitting in the waiting room, and to be honest, i wanted to leave. i was afraid. ironic isn't it? i wanted help, i got my mom to arrange an appointment with this guy, and when i was finally there, i wanted to leave and get out. i think it was a defense mechanisms kicking in. in psychology, i learnt that during treatment/therapy, defense mechanisms will kick in to protect the individual from their repressed memories, even if the individual wants to the help (like in my case). all the way through the session, i felt like i was setting up walls to protect myself. therapists are supposed to know this.

we talked for a while. he'd ask questions about my past, feelings and such. i didn't find it particularly helpful, but i suppose you can't expect too much after one session. he did say two things that got me thinking though. the first, was that in order to let go, you need to hold onto something concrete. i realized that day that i had never asked God for strength to move on from eric's death. i did ask God for His strength to get through it, but never to let go.

i was the punctured tire. i tried my hardest to move on and to do my best at every task i was given. but without me knowing, the air was slowly deflating. and when i least expected it, i ended up severely deflated. my emotional/mental state would go up and down like a roller coster and i never quite understood it. how could i hit such extreme opposites? sometimes i'd be so energetic, so full of life. other times, i'd be so down. i never understood why i was like this until that day when i got my tire fixed. with punctured tires, it doesn't matter how many times you fill it up with air, it will always deflate, given time. and that was so true of my life. even though i'd get filled up by the Word of God, by personal times with Him, through prayer, through friends and family, i'd always somehow end up empty. i was punctured. i knew how i was punctured, but i didn't know exactly where.

to fix a punctured tire, you have to seal the leak. the guy used this tool that he put in the leak and began twisting it for a while. after he did that, he got this thing that looked like a flat piece of rubber, put some type of glue on it and stuck it in the hole. it was surprisingly easy to fix, that is, once the problem was found. at first, i didn't think that such a simple solution could stop the air leak, but i was dead wrong. in fact, the guy told me the patch would outlast the life of the tire! the patch doesn't deny the presence of the hole; it acknowledges it. if the patch was removed, the air would leak yet again.

there is only One that truly knows the depths of us, who knows everything about us. He is the only One that can bring healing and restoration to the brokenness of our lives. i'm glad that i went to the psychologist because i realized that there was no way i could figure out all this on my own, that in order to let go, i needed to hold onto something concrete. Christ has always been my stronghold, the one constant in my life. He is capable to do all things. and it's in Him i put my trust.

Posted by Leo Chan at May 25, 2005 10:51 PM