the faithfulness anthem

June 2, 2005

two fridays ago (may 20, 2005), i went to the unite productions, unite in worship conference. i had wanted to go the entire three days, but due to circumstances, i couldn't make it the other days. i was particularly interested in going on friday because there was two-workshops on creative arts. i was really excited for it. i think ever since i figured out that this was a big passion of mine, i've wanted to learn as much as i can about it. the difficulty is that because it's such a new concept, i don't know where to go to learn more. though my church IS sending me to the willowcreek arts conference in two weeks. i've been looking forward to this conference since last year. in any case, i wasn't expecting anything going in on friday morning, except that i wanted to learn about how to incorporate the arts into church services. i had no idea what i'd be in for.

brian doerksen was leading worship that morning. i was blown away. i've never had an opportunity to see him lead. he's fantastic. transitions were smooth, themes were woven together through the songs, spoken word and prayer. he helped cultivate a beautiful atmosphere of worship, never once breaking it for the entire hour he lead.

we sang songs that morning about the faithfulness of God. that's been the anthem of my heart for a long time now. if there's one characteristic that i know God to be, it's faithful. i know what it's like to be in the deepest and darkest valleys. i have experienced pain upon pain, sorrow upon sorrow, yet my Heavenly Father has been there every step of the way. He has fulfilled every promise. He has never left me or abandoned me. He has carried me through the impossible. He has given me peace when peace didn't make sense. He gave me hope when hope was nowhere to be found. faithful. that's who God is to me.

i believe with every fiber of my being that God is who He says He is. i believe that He will carry onto completion the good work He starts. i believe that He works for the good of those who love Him. i believe for those He calls, He also equips. i believe His grace abounds in the most insurmountable circumstances. i believe He is exceedingly capable to more than we could ever ask or imagine.

song after song, the theme of God's faithfulness was woven more deeply, sung more intimately. the banner of God's faithfulness flew over us that morning. the more we sang, the more i went after God, proclaiming, declaring what i knew to be true of Him. and the more i went after God, the more intimate it became. tears rolled down my face as i sang. there were no words i could say to express how grateful and thankful i was to Him. who was i that He would care and love me so much? who was i?

i realized that morning that while i had intended to go to the conference purely to learn about arts, God had something else up His sleeve. earlier on that week, i had prayed that God would help me let go of eric. i asked Him to be the concrete thing that i could hold onto. i had realized that i never asked God to help me let go. i only asked God to help me get through. the worship set placed me in the perfect setting to hear God's word. there was a message delivered that morning by one of the keynote speakers. now i don't remember what he was talking about, but at one point he started talking about 1 peter 5:7 [NIV], "cast all your anxieties on Him because He cares for you." i memorized that verse a long time ago, but it's funny how it didn't hit me until the guy started talking about it. i knew, at that moment, God was speaking to me. if i wanted to be free (something i've desired for so very long), i had to stop carrying my own load and give it to Him. i was holding on to my brother all the days since he passed and not once did i give him to God. more tears rolled down my face. maybe i was scared. scared of what might happen if i let go. it seems irrational in retrospect, but that's how all things seem after the fact (this is called the hindsight bias).

at the end of the message, the speaker did a calling. i think he could sense that there were a lot of broken people in the room, ones who were holding onto things, trying to make it on their own power. i was one of them. i wanted so badly that God would step in and takeover. that He would heal the wounds of my heart. and the funny thing is, i hesitated. it took me a couple moments to muster enough courage to go up to the front. i think i was scared of what people might think. i still value how people perceive me. but the more ridiculous thing about it is, is that i went to the conference alone. i didn't really know anyone there! so in reality, what difference would it make if people thought something of me as i went to the front. after thinking about this for a while, i realized how silly i was being, and walked right up to the front. as we approached, the band was already playing some music. brian felt like the Spirit was leading him to sing a sung over us (one that he never played with hi band before). still more tears. this time it was like a floodgate had opened up and streams of tears flowed from my eyes. we stood there for a while, meditating, praying, letting the Holy Spirit do His thing in each one of us, while the band played more songs. after a while, the speaker came back up to pray over us. it was powerful. i felt so free. it was as if God, in that moment, reached in and mended the brokenness of my heart with His seal (remember what i wrote in the entry "punctured"? to seal a air leak, you need to use this rubbery stuff and glue and stick it in the hole where the leak is. it doesn't eliminate the leak because physically it will always be there, but it stops air from leaking out. sure, i was still punctured in the sense that eric's death is still a reality and that reality won't ever change, but, the brokenness, the wounds that were a result of it had been mended. God had sealed my leaking heart).

that night, united live did a concert. a pastor from hillsong australia came over and spoke to us. again, i don't really remember what he was talking about, but at one point, he was talking about our brokenness. normally, that message would have resonated with me. anytime anyone talks about brokenness, struggles, pain, i always relate, because that's been my life for the past two years. but that night, to my surprise and astonishment, it felt like that wasn't me anymore. it's not that i couldn't relate, but it was different. it felt different. it was because of the work of God that morning. i was free. free to move on. free to let go.

"so if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed" - john 8:36 [NIV]

Posted by Leo Chan at June 2, 2005 11:40 PM