grieving and mourning

June 4, 2005

i went to this talk on grieving and mourning with my mom two tuesdays ago (may 24, 2005). when she told me about it, i wasn't particularly fond of the idea. i guess i was afraid of what might happen if i went because you never know. dealing with death is a really touchy/delicate thing. but she persisted to ask me about it and i finally gave in. i mean, maybe this guy could help me deal with eric? after all, there's no like instruction manual in how to deal with death. and especially my being so young, i wondered if i had been dealing with it "properly." this of course, was all before the previous friday, when i was at the unite conference. after that friday, i felt so very liberated. but my mom signed us up already, so i wasn't going to bail out on her.

nonetheless, the day of, i was a little hesitant to go. maybe it was one of my defense mechanisms kicking in, trying to protect me from potential harm. the place was packed. there wasn't a single parking spot in sight! apparently the speaker was a really well-known guy who wrote something like 40 books on death. he had a lot of good insights. i'll highlight the ones that really stood out to me.

first, he made a point about how our western society has tried to "speed" up the process of grieving and mourning. in fact, it's only in the western culture where we should be "over" death in a year or so. other cultures don't take that approach at all, and i think they have it right. he shared a shocking story about how a person at work had lost someone in her life and kept pictures of that person in her cubicle with her. a year after the death, some of the person's coworkers came in and said it's about time you moved in and took away the pictures. i couldn't believe my ears. but that's reality. we live in a society where we want results and progress. we don't figure that in life, there are some things where that simply does not apply.

second, he made a distinction about how grieving and mourning are two distinct things. the first being individual and the second, social. when i think about myself, i think i've done a lot of grieving and not much mourning. i rarely talk about eric to anyone, except my mom and sometimes jer, both of whom i appreciate very much for their listening and support. no one asks me about him, so i don't bring it up. i guess they think after "so long," you'd be "over it" or whatever. but i learnt that normally it's not the first year that's the hardest, but the second and third year. it hasn't been two years yet, but it seems like it's been forever. the speaker did mention that journalling can be a very therapeutic thing, and can also be part of the mourning process. since this journal was always intended to keep a track of what i think and feel, i suppose it also has been a way for me to mourn.

third, he presented the idea that there are three types of people: the therapeutic third, the neutral, and the negative (i forget his term). there are people in your life who will be there for you, who will listen to you, who will support you. these are the therapeutic third and these are the people you need in your life. the neutral aren't really for you but they're not really against you either. the negative people are the people you stay far, far away from. these are the people in the story above. they may or may not know the incredible hurt their words inflict.

fourth, he talked about how people who have dealt with death don't approach relationships the same as they used to. they are more reclusive and isolated. they don't initiate the relationship (this could be anything, friendship, romantic, family, etc.) with others as much. it's not that they don't want to, but it's a very scary thing to open up to others again, especially if you have people in are in that negative group. when you lose someone, i think a part of your heart goes with them. in any relationship, you put your heart on the line. you become vulnerable. i can't think of anything more wounding then death. so to open your heart up again to others, it's a really hard thing to do. i think also it's just because you want to be alone sometimes. i find that these are very characteristic of me. i rarely initiate relationships with people anymore, though i suppose i never was really good at doing that to begin with. granted, there have been exceptions to this, but for the most part, it's so very true.

fifth, he mentioned that grieving and mourning can be unresolved. he knew a guy that lost his mother when he was really young, and that 39 years later, he was still dealing with it. i do NOT want that to be me.

sixth, he discussed the idea of visual triggers. he talked about how visual triggers were a GOOD thing. to actually have things like photos around, maybe their clothes, toys/trinkets that they might have owned, anything that reminded you of them. a lot of people hide their photos away of people who passed away in their family. it's "too difficult" for the picture to be hanging up. i mean i can understand it. even i thought it was a little off when a family in extreme makeover: home edition hung a picture of the man's wife who just passed away in a very prominent place in the house. i mean that's gotta be so hard, to walk pass that picture countless times during the day. but at the same time, it makes so much sense.

seventh, there will be times when you have these "grief moments." where all of a sudden, a wave of emotions hit and you start crying. it might be a visual trigger or a smell or whatever, but something makes you suddenly remember them and when that happens, to not suppress it or hold back. let the moment happen.

eighth, people don't get over death nor do they let go. the reality of the death will always be there. it's not something you can just mask away. it's about learning to look to the past, live in the present and dance into the future.

all in all, the talk was very encouraging. i actually had a good time being there. but more than that, it helped me to figure out that i was on the right path. he made up a list of things that meant you were mourning well and i had a lot of the items. one last thing, he made it a point to say how the road to healing is THROUGH, not around. to deal with the pain, you have to walk through it. if you go around, you'll end up like that guy who had unresolved issue from almost 40 years before. yes through is a lot harder and a lot more painful. going through will engage the heart, soul and mind. there will be tears and a lot of emotions. and however difficult it may be, it's the only way to do it. there's no shame in missing them or crying or anything. that was another key point. there's absolutely NOTHING wrong with that!

one assignment he gave to all of us as he closed, was to think of our departed loved one's smile, and think of good memories that we had with them, and if that caused some tears, it'd be a beautiful thing. and so i did that. as i rested in bed, i thought of eric's wonderful smile, the good times we had together, and i drifted off to sleep. i think that was one of the best sleeps i had in a long time.

Posted by Leo Chan at June 4, 2005 11:03 PM