hospital trips

June 11, 2005

two weeks ago, my dad had to go the emerg. his health hasn't been so great lately and there was quite a bit of concern of what was causing the pain in his body. we thought it was kidney stones, but it was unclear. that saturday (may 28, 2005), my dad was in excruciating pain. it started when he was at his office, but he tried to fight it off by taking tylenol three pills during the rest of the day—it didn't work. by nightfall, he was in such pain that he finally gave in for us to drive him to the hospital. we went to stouffville hospital, thinking that it would be the best place to go despite the fact that we all knew it would be tough to be there—eric was in and out of stouffville many many times. it brought back a lot of tough memories. and more recently (january 2005), my mom was there too. i realized that night, that i've seen every single family member of mine in stouffville hospital, laying in bed for whatever reason. that was really tough. i was almost in tears tim when asked me how i was doing on the phone. i'm 23. this just isn't normal.

my dad was put in a bed in emerg that was adjacent to the bed where eric once was (sept 2002). there's memories/images that are burned into your mind that you cannot ever rid yourself of, even if they are really painful and trying. my mom and i sat/stood in the little space that they give each patient. you're not supposed to have two people in there with you, but rules are meant to be broken, especially foolish ones like that. people need support. wouldn't you want your family there beside you if you had to lay there? i certainly would. so i didn't see a point to following their little rule. my mom and i kept pretty quiet and stayed under the radar of the nurse. eventually they caught on and told us that one of us had to leave, but we stood there anyways.

apparently, my dad's kidney was on the verge of failing when we reached the hospital, so we got there at a really good time. he's okay now. i think all the kidney stones are out of his body. and so all that remains uncertain is my mom's health. she's had this uti infection since january and no one can figure out why. she's seen lots of doctors, done a lot of tests and still nothing. my dad suggested that she see a urologist soon to figure out what's going on. it's been a really taxing few months on all three of us. this uncertainty has been driving us all mad.

i was driving the other day and got stuck in morning traffic. i caught myself peering around the vehicle ahead of me, trying to figure out how bad the traffic was and if i should change my route to accommodate for it. i do that a lot. i want to see what's coming up so i can make alternative arrangements if necessary. if i know that a certain lane is bad, i'll switch over to the better lane. if all the lanes are jammed, i'll change my route so i don't get stuck in the traffic. the worst thing is not knowing what's ahead (maybe because you have really tall vehicles ahead of you, like a big mach truck for example). you don't know if the traffic is temporary or if it might be more long-term, and so you have no choice but to wait it out. i don't like that. i like having options. i like knowing what's coming.

isn't that so true for all of us? we want to plan everything before it happens, not during or after. and when we're hit with uncertainty we want so badly to eliminate that uncertainty. that is one of the worst possible human states. and that's where my family has been for the past several months. it's been so very taxing on all of us, physically, emotionally, mentally and spiritually. my parents and i were planning on going on a family vacation at the end of august, but because of all the craziness with my mom & dad's health, it's been up in the air. i'm hoping that it'll all pass and we'll be able to take this vacation together. i haven't been on a vacation since like 1994 or something.

my family deals with a lot. i don't know many families who deal with all the sorts of trials and struggles that mines goes through, both collectively and individually. pain and tribulation seems to loom around us at every corner, every turn. i can't say i know why or what's going on, but despite all this, i believe God is in control. i believe He has a greater plan in store and that He does not give us more than we can handle. He is the faithful and true God. everything He does is in love. and that's where we can and must bank our hope.