soaring with the eagles

June 21, 2005

i had the wonderful opportunity of attending the willowcreek 2005 arts conference this past week. it's hard to describe the experience that i had there, but for the sake of documenting some of the thoughts/feelings/emotions that are running through my head at this time, i will certainly make an attempt.

last june, i had the joy of attending the willowcreek 2004 arts conference. i learnt a lot of things about myself in that week, about my passions, about the direction of my life, about everything. it was a defining moment of my life. after three years of being in design, i wondered (yet again) why God had me go into design, a profession that seemed so opposite of ministry work. how would design tie in with the church? how would design tie into the ministry work that i would later step into? that year, for the first time in my life, i understood that God had created me to be a creative person (or dare i say artist), and that the creativity He had birthed into me would have more use than i had ever imagined. i would never have imagined that the arts could be used in church services to create powerful moments that helped people to engage God in a deeper way. i distinctively remember a guy from the willowcreek association of canada say the following, "God created the arts for the church, and right now they're flourishing in the secular world. it's time we brought them back." i can't describe it, but the moment he said that, it was if my whole soul cried out with a resounding yes. i was so fired up. everything within me cried out "YES! let's go! let's bring it back!" it was in that moment, that i realized arts ministry was something i wanted to pursue for the rest of my life.

it's a year later now. the passion for the arts in my heart has deepened. it's taken grip of who i am and where i want the church to go. i was telling a friend of mine at church on sunday how it's only been a year since i felt God call me into this and it's been amazing to see how much of a heart i have for it now.

so what was my experience like this year at willow? if i had to say it in one word, i would say inspired. i was inspired last year and i'm inspired again this year. but it's a different kind of inspired. maybe it's because the arts means so much more to me than ever before. this kind of inspired is deeper rooted. bill hybels was saying to us just how valued the artists in the church were. he was telling us that we have a power that we don't even know we have. that the arts helps people connect with God in ways that he could not do himself as a preacher. the arts engage the heart. wow. that hit me like a ton of bricks.

on the first day, there was a pro photographer, dewitt jones, from national geographic, who spoke to us. his talk was so incredibly inspiring and motivating. everything he said was so right on. at one point, he talked about training in your craft. man, that spoke volumes to me. i wondered about my future, about this whole arts deal. was i really training in my craft if i went to tyndale? see the thing about tyndale for me is this. i've always felt like i was "settling" for it, as opposed to really being called to be there. i decided that i had to stick around in toronto because of my situation with my parents. there's no way i wanted to leave them after all we've been through. i just couldn't do that. so where else would you go but tyndale? there's no other option. and really, there's only the m. div that you can do, and really, of all the majors to choose, only youth & family min. made sense. plus the fact that there wasn't ever any place i could go to train up as an arts pastor. that kind of training doesn't exist yet. the closest things i've found are at fuller seminary & at hillsong college, but even still, those don't really train you up specifically as an arts pastor. if you're following me here, i think this whole "settling" thing bothered me deep down, something i didn't realize until that day. i mean, was i destined to have another part of my life be another means to another end? couldn't i just do something i was really passionate about for once? here's the thing. that day, i learnt willowcreek offered this internship program that was joint with bethel seminary. it was a three year program and it blew my mind. basically, you could serve at willow in any capacity, learning whatever you wanted to learn, under the supervision and direction from staff at willow. you'd even be mentored and guided by some of the senior staff. i think i would die if i had the chance to be mentored by nancy beach. man oh man. and at the same time, you'd get a masters degree from bethel to boot! so it'd be like tyndale, but a million times better because you get a degree and you get practical hands-on training from the best of the best (in my opinion). wow. here was a program that i could do that would really train me up as an arts pastor!

dewitt jones also talked about stepping out and soaring with the eagles. that really resonated with me too. through all the trials and tribulations, through all the pain and suffering that i've faced in this life, i've always felt like God has something special in store for my life. and i'm sure that's true for everyone on this planet, but it's different for me. because it's not everyone that walks through such difficulties when they are so very young and face very adult-issues without knowing how or what to do in response to all of that. it's not everyone who has their core values/beliefs about themselves, and more importantly about God, completely rocked and challenged when they're barely into their 20s. this is the context through which i see life. and so when this idea of willowcreek presented itself, i wondered, i dreamed, if this was what God had put me through the fire for. maybe? would it be possible? i could think of nothing more awesome and incredible than it. i so want to soar with the eagles. i so want to step out in faith and be the person God's created me to be. i want to affect life change in the people around me. i want to be a champion for the cause of Christ in whatever i do. i want to inspire people to life Christ-focused lives, that bring glory and honour to His name. that's the beat of my heart.

immediately following the session, they had a q&a about the willow internship. i headed over there and listened. and that's where i learnt it was everything i ever hoped it would be. i don't really remember what we were doing after that, but as we walked to the car, i was lost in thought, wondering about the possibilities. i was really confused. was i to become an arts pastor right away? or was i to go this more indirect approach, by learning how to be a youth pastor first, and then somehow ending up as an arts pastor down the road? or was i supposed to be a pastor who had a real big passion for the arts (much like bill hybels is)? i wasn't really sure anymore.

the next morning, i got up early (like usual). i had nothing to do that morning before meeting up with my team, so i decided to take a walk. actually i wanted to swim, but the pool was closed, and there was nothing i could do about it. i figured i could use the time to pray and talk with God about the confusions i had in my heart about what had happened the previous day.

i found a bench that i eventually sat down on and decided to read some Scripture. i wasn't digging the whole random Scripture thing, so i read something familiar, proverbs 3:5-6. the interesting thing was, i never really paid much attention to the two verses after. i proceeded to read verses seven and eight, and here's what it said, "do not be wise in your own eyes; fear the LORD and shun evil. this will bring health to your body and nourishment to your bones." i wasn't sure whether this willow creek thing had mixed motives for me. i mean here's a church that encapsulated all the ideals and values that i would like a church to have. and here's a church that had amazing everything (i'm talking tech stuff here). it would be so easy to want to stay there and enjoy all that the church had to offer. when i read verse seven, i wondered if willow was something wise in my own eyes. i thought about how for the past four years, God's taken me down uncertain roads time and time again. i stayed in design because i knew God called me into it (despite my opposition to remaining in the program). i went on my cti trip despite opposition from all sides. and in both cases, God showed me that His ways were higher than mine. He showed me that He knew what He was doing, even though i didn't understand. and in that moment, it felt like God was saying to me that this was another part of life that He wanted me to trust Him with. yes, going to tyndale didn't make sense in my own eyes, but God knows so much better than i, and i believe that with all my heart.

verse eight spoke to me too. at that point, i'm thinking, so God, if i stay at tyndale, my health will be restored? practically speaking, if i went to willow, it would be more difficult to manage my fibromyalgia. could i still go to the pool and swim every day? would i still be able to see all the doctors and get all the medications i needed (one must factor in that the health care in the US is vastly different from canada)? like my cti trip, the biggest uncertainty for me was my health. i worried that by going, i would permanently damage my hands/arms/wrists. i had no idea that when i returned, my hands would be in such a better condition that before. i had no idea! and here's one very interesting thing that i learnt about God over the past few years. when He allows things to happen in your life, He uses those things to shape you. but not only that, He uses those events to prepare you for greater things in the future. that's a really scary thought. if i've had to face so much already in my short life, what else would He have in store? but knowing that, it was if this whole uncertainty with stepping into design and cti was to help me make sense of the moment i was in. sure tyndale didn't make any sense to me, but at the same time God was telling me that i had no idea what would be in store if i did stay around.

at this point, everything seems so very clear, right? willow is this amazing opportunity, yes, but it's not the right season to go. and i was fine with that. i long to do what God has called me to do. i want to be where God wants me to be. i want to pursue what is best, not simply what is good. that day, in one of the sessions, there was a point that one of the speakers made that really hit home for me in deciding all this. he was saying that sometimes, the place we needed to be was right in front of us. i looked around me. here was an amazing team of people from my church that were artists, who were passionate about seeing the arts come to fruition in our church. more specifically, here was a team of four other people in esc that i was working with since january, and we've had great times planning services. i'm inspired by these guys. that was it for me. God had confirmed the confusion for me through prayer, through His word, and through the church (the pastor).

saturday rolls around and i was thrown with a huge curve ball. we got home from willow and my dad decides that we should go out to celebrate my coming home. he's funny like that and i never mind eating a nice meal, so who am i to deny that? my mom was home earlier so i told her about this willowcreek internship deal. i wasn't trying to elicit a "yes you can go" response. i was simply very excited about an amazing opportunity. over dinner, i told my dad about it as well. he didn't seem to go for it either. the thing with me is, i'm a very passionate person. and when i'm passionate about something, i get really excited. arts ministry is one of my passions, so if i talk about it, i get really excited. so here i am at dinner getting really excited about the willowcreek internship program (without me even realizing). i could feel like something was swelling up in my soul wanting to burst. i was like mom, my eyes are sparkling. i can feel it. after a while, we switched topics. and then something happened that i would have never even thought possible. my dad said that i should go for it! it was like a light switched turned on in his head. he told me that i should go follow my dream. he was saying how he followed his dream to become a doctor (i knew this from before). wow. that knocked my socks off. i had no idea that he believed in me that much. i had no idea how much he stood behind me and supported me. he was willing to sacrifice comfort and luxury so that they could afford to send me off to willowcreek. incredible. that's love. i never knew just how deep it ran until that moment. i looked over to my mom, and simply said "mom?" i mean, would SHE let me go too? this is my mom i'm talking about here. i know how much she would miss me and stuff, and she said like if it was what God was calling me to do, she would support it. wow. both my parents were willing to sacrifice so much so that i could follow my dream. no words can express what that meant to me.

so here i was. confused yet again. was willowcreek to be considered? was God trying to tell me that i shouldn't give up on willow so easily? was willow the place where i would "soar with the eagles"? i had no answer, but i knew that God would make it clear to me. i decided that i would meet up with tim and jer, the two people who know me best and see what they thought about all of this.

i must say that whatever happens, i want to trust God with it. i want to follow Him to wherever He calls me, even if it doesn't make sense, even if it isn't wise in my own eyes. i know God knows what's best and i believe that with all my heart. i want the best and not simply what is good. so whatever that is, i lay down all my will and my rights and i surrender it to Him. and maybe, just maybe, i'll be able to soar with the eagles after all this is said and done.

"trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight" - proverbs 3:5-6 [NIV]

Posted by Leo Chan at June 21, 2005 10:10 AM