frustrated

July 8, 2005

my 10 months of trying/being careful/lifestyle changes/discipline has been wiped away. gone like the wind. i did like the absolute dumbest thing on wednesday. i had an interview for synergy at ETCBC with tim. casey came over to go down with me. everything's normal right? so we get in the car and i back out, only to hit the car on our driveway. it was at a really slow speed, since i wasn't even using the gas. sure, it's a human thing to do and it could happen to anyone. but i've always been VERY cautious about driving, especially since i have fibromyalgia. my doctor said i couldn't afford to get hit again or else my recovery period would be a lot longer. ever since i started driving (16), my driving record has been flawless. i've never gotten a ticket, never hit anything and i've avoided a lot of potential accidents.

so why this? why now? i'm so frustrated with myself. i've been trying to hard, going to sleep early, waking up early so i can swim (just so i can reduce the pain level in my body), i eat better, i've changed my lifestyle (avoiding activities that i used to love doing), i've seen lots of different doctors, i've taken different pills/medication, i've tried alternative medicine... you name it, i've tried it. and just when things looked like it was turning around, i go and do this stupid thing. you know what the strange thing was? i was looking at my rear view mirror the whole time. it was as if the car had become invisible. i was so confused that on impact, i had thought someone in my family had driven into ME! maybe it's this brain fog that people with fm get. i don't know. i don't know what happened. i was cleaning up some of my boxes earlier that day and i came across some of eric's stuff. my mom says maybe i was thinking about eric when i backed out and so my mind was somewhere completely else. possibly. i was really sad seeing some of his old stuff.

immediately after the hit, the pain levels in my body sky-rocketed, probably triple/quadruple the pain i normally have. everything hurt like crazy and it still does. and to think, all i did was give the car a really small nudge. how ridiculous is that? i went to the doctor the next day and told her what happened. she said the pain i feel now will remain anywhere from six weeks to six months. casey was sitting right next to me and he was fine. that's because he's normal and i'm not. that's what my doc said.

i feel so broken. i feel like this old senior citizen trapped in a 20-something's body. i wake up every morning in pain—living is painful. i even look forward to heaven. i don't know how much more of this life i can bear. i think only now do i understand what my brother talked about. he always said that living his life was painful, and while it wasn't a physical manifestation, it was definitely something mental, emotional, spiritual for him. he tried everything under the sun to get better, but nothing ever worked for him. i try so hard, yet it doesn't amount to anything. do you know what it's like to try and try and try and never see any result?

i don't know what it's like to be normal anymore. everything i do seems to be counter-norm these days. why can't i be normal? why can't i just live a normal life like everyone else? why is my life always marked by suffering and pain? why is it that whenever i see a slight glimmer of hope, it is immediately irradiated by something incredibly overwhelming? why can't the devil just leave me alone?

people don't know how hard it is to have fibromyalgia and they'll even forget i have it. some doctors don't even believe it exists! sometimes i wish my condition was visible, because at least people would see it. almost 100% of the time, people treat me as if i was normal. i'm not. i can't do the things most people do. i can't do what i want to do. i feel so limited, so trapped within the confines of this body. i'm so helpless.

for those who don't really know me and can only see the actions i do, they might attribute it to me being lazy/selfish or something else. i'm too tired to explain everything. case in point, i remember early on when i started swimming (like in sept/oct), my hands were really weak, so my mom would have to open the doors for me. a member at the club walked by and made a comment how a person like me should be the one opening doors. thanks. do you think i really enjoy having other people serve me, especially when i feel like i should be serving them?

the other day, i was out for a fun synergy meeting. for some reasons, the three other girls in our group couldn't make it, so it was four guys and a girl. we went out for dinner and the restaurant was particularly cold. i've noticed that most restaurants tend to blast the A/C, so i brought a jacket to keep myself warm. i remember back in december when i almost froze to death, being exposed to the really cold air for maybe 5-10 seconds. knowing that, i didn't want to have another episode like that. the thing with my body is, the temperature fluctuates a lot. i can get really hot or really cold in a very short period of time. i think being cold is worse for my body, because the muscles are already stiff to begin with. more cold = more stiffness = more pain. the girl got pretty cold sitting the restaurant. the normal guy thing to do in a situation like that is offer your jacket right? and since i was the only guy wearing a jacket, i was the logical choice. i must admit, that i did want to offer my jacket, but i also didn't want to have more pain from being cold. so i didn't do anything. one of the guys was like "leo, give her your jacket." he didn't mean anything by it (so if you're reading this, i'm not knocking you at all man). some guys are really clueless and wouldn't know what to do in a situation like that so they need "encouragement" like that. but to me, it was like something i failed to do. like i didn't meet up to the expectations of being a guy.

i'm tired. i can't keep putting up with this. how long must i wait for the new day? how long before i see the silver linings in the clouds? i don't think i can do this anymore. i just want to throw in the towel, throw my hands up and give up. i want this all to go away.

but it's not about what i want. my life belongs to Christ and despite how hard and painful it is for me to be here, my spirit fights. it will not give in. the easiest thing for me to do now is to let myself be kicked while i'm down. it's ironic how i wrote the last entry entitled "i'm hit, i'm hit!" the same day i hit the car. i think God is trying to tell me something. i guess sometimes i think i've been hit so many times, that i won't be hit again. but it seems like i just get hit all the more when i'm down. the devil knows that when you are at your weakest, you are a very easy target. i feel like i'm always at my weakest. i don't know what God has planned for this life, but i think it's big because the devil seems to be trying awfully hard to take me out, to make me walk away from my faith, to abandon my God. that's not happening. all i have is my God. He's the only thing that i have in this life that is constant. He's the only hope that i have. and i will not let Him go, not now, not ever.

i stumbled across psalm 71 today and it really spoke to me. it was as if i was reading my own life story. i'll end with two passages that i found encouraging.

"though You have made me see troubles, many and bitter, You will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth You will again bring me up. You will increase my honor and comfort me once again" - psalm 71:20-21 [NIV]

"rescue me and deliver me in Your righteousness; turn Your ear to me and save me. Be my rock of refuge, to which I can always go; give the command to save me, for You are my rock and my fortress" - psalm 71:2-3 [NIV]

Posted by Leo Chan at July 8, 2005 4:06 PM