it's been two years

August 13, 2005

today is the two year mark since eric left. it feels a lot longer than that, like an eternity has passed since i last saw him. and in some ways it has been: i've graduated my four year program, i'm heading into masters, i went to vancouver for an internship placement, i've learnt so much about myself and my passions, to list a few. so many things have happened in these two years. but even still, i still vividly remember so many of the moments i had with him over his 23 years here, as if they were just yesterday.

sometimes i see eric in people. if someone has a certain look (their hair may be cut in a certain way), or someone laughs or talks in a certain way, i see him. sometimes i see him in the places i go. just being in a spot where i went with my brother will trigger emotions and memories. yesterday i went to blackmore to play tennis with my cell group. that was the first time i walked onto those courts since eric left. it was strange being there. there were a lot of memories. eric and i used to go there all the time to play tennis in the summer. that was our court of choice. it was also strange when we were in chicago and i went to olive garden with my church. that was our favourite restaurant and we always longed to go back after they closed down and left canada. i guess that's just the way it is when you still live in the same city. eric and i went all over the place, so i have memories of him everywhere i go. but i don't think that's a bad thing. it helps me remember. it helps me relive some of those precious moments.

i wish my brother could see where i am now. sometimes i wonder how he would look at me and how he would think about me. would he be proud about the accomplishments i've made? would he be proud of the direction my life is headed towards? would he be happy with the person i've become?

eric was one of the greatest supporters i've had in this life. he always believed in me and encouraged me to try things. he had more faith in me than i did in myself. i think he saw a lot more of my potential than i did. i remember how when i got into design, he wasn't very surprised. i remember when i received my grades back for certain projects that i was really shaky about, he wasn't the least bit shocked. that's the kind of person my brother was. that's how strong he was for me. i think i needed that. i think i still do.

i've been dreading this day for a while now because soon, i will have outlived the number of days that eric lived. that's messed up to me. i mean, after all, he was two years older than me.

i felt like i needed to write something tonight. last august 13 (2004), i was still on my missions trip. i remember sitting on the bus starring off into the night sky, thinking a lot about eric. i remember wanting someone to ask me how i was doing, what i was thinking, but it never came. even now, it rarely comes. i think people are afraid to ask me sometimes. i guess it's because it's one of those "touchy" issues that people don't want to address, because it might stir up emotions and make someone sad, and perhaps even cry. i see nothing wrong with that. sure it's touchy?i don't know what other life event would be more touchy than death. and sure, i might cry or get emotional, but that's part of being human and that's how we process through this. i guess what i'm saying is, we shouldn't avoid asking people tough questions like this to "spare" their emotions or whatever. that goes for anything in life. because something like this is real and deeply rooted. to not ask is almost like denying that it never happened and i think that's more hurtful to that person than to ask and potentially stir up their emotions.

if you're a friend to someone, wouldn't you ask them how they're doing? and when you ask them how they're doing, don't you want to know all the details about everything? i certainly would. it's easy to blanket a "how are you statement" to any person. that's how we are in this culture. and because it's such a norm, you'll get the standard "i'm good" response. but if someone were to ask you specifically about something that you were dealing with/thinking about, wouldn't it mean that much more to you (even if it could stir up emotions)? it would to me. but don't get me wrong here. i'm not saying that everyone who asks you "how are you doing" aren't your friends; most of them probably are. i think with your closest friends, that's all they need to ask you before you blurt out everything that's going on. but i think there are times when being specific shows how much you care about that person (even if they are closest to you). and being specific also helps people who don't reflect much to think about certain things in their lives, or even to get them to open up more (maybe it's too hard to talk about unless someone asks them about it, or maybe they just need someone to take the first step to ask).

i noticed that how i felt last year compared with how i feel this year is quite different. last year i was much sadder and a lot more down about it being the one year mark. this year, not as much. i suppose you can't live in the past forever and that you do have to move on and proceed with life (note that when i say move on, i don't mean that you forget the past or deny it's existence). and it's been a while since i've shed tears over eric. maybe that's healthy. i don't know. though i do see eric every time i look at his pooh bear. his pooh bear and the rest of his stuffed animals sit in my bedroom so i see them everyday. lots of people always ask me why i have two eeyores and poohs. one was eric's, one was mine. i'm not about to give them. not now, not ever.

eric, i miss you.

Posted by Leo Chan at August 13, 2005 11:01 PM