the story of my life (europe trip 2005)

September 8, 2005

i'm finally back from my three-week trip to europe. most of you have been wondering how it went, so this my reflection on it. it'll probably be a lot different from what you might expect. so let's start with some background. i haven't gone on a vacation in eleven years. i don't like going on vacations because i think it's a waste of money and time. perhaps now not so much the latter. i used to never understand how people could just go away on a trip and not do anything. i was sucked into the lie of always having to do-do-do and never rest, but that's changed now. i'm still quite adamant on the money thing though. vacations are very short-lived and very expensive. i'd rather use the money to invest in something more long-lasting, like a computer for example. instead of something that will last three weeks, it's something that will last a couple years or more (depending on who you are). that's a much better return for your investment in my opinion. or, if you want to go see the world, go on a missions trip! you get to see how interesting the world is and do the work of God at the same time (and yes i realize that forgoes the whole relaxing thing). i also expected this vacation to be a vacation. one where you wake up whenever you want, do whatever you want. i figured it'd be real chill in the morning, get up, swim, eat a nice breakfast, and then proceed with doing whatever. i also expecting that i'd be able to enjoy this vacation and have a good time.

here's the deal. we went with a tour group (non asian) that basically went all over europe. it didn't occur to me that a vacation that went all over europe would be super busy and intense. the vacation was the polar opposite of what i thought. the schedule was typically pretty packed morning to night. you'd go to sleep late and then wake up early. i don't think i slept eight hours once during the whole trip. most of the time we woke up at 5:45 am and went to bed at 11:30 pm or so. now that might work okay for some people, but when you have fibromyalgia, sleep is one of your best friends.

our tour group was small—21 people in total. it consisted of older adults. i'd imagine the median age of the group was anywhere in the 50s-60s. i was the youngest one on the tour. there was only three other people remotely close to my age, probably mid-late twenties. i think the oldest guy was around 75. i've never see adults with so much energy, especially ones this old. media always seems to portray people in those ages with less life, and boy did i fall into believing that lie. i had a great time observing how full of life these people were and just how much they were enjoying life.

physically, this tour wrecked havoc on my body. the pain levels in my body escalated rapidly during the trip and there wasn't anything i could do about it. i never had a chance to go swimming because there just wasn't any time (and most of the times there weren't pools to swim in). i never got enough which caused more problems. the only temporary relief i could get was taking hot showers, but this wasn't even always possible. present day, my wrists have become inflamed as a result, a lot of my pressure points above my waistline are now very painful, including a lot more pain from my forearms on. i went to my acupressure guy on tuesday and he was saying that there was a lot of trouble in some areas in my body.

the trip was really frustrating for me. i rarely had enough energy to keep up with the pace of the tour and this was supposedly a more "relaxed" tour. all of the 50-60s could go morning to night, non-stop, my dad included. i couldn't. i had to take breaks, sit around as much as possible, just so i could make it to the night. the only person that needed to do that was the 75 year old gentleman. he really couldn't walk around that much and he frequently opted out of the optional tours to rest. i had originally signed up to do all of the optional tours, but i had to opt out of some of them just so that i could take better care of myself. it was actually pretty depressing. i'm a 23 year old that's equivalent to a 75 year old. i'm not exaggerating either. fibromyalgia does more than i let on. sometimes i forget all the symptoms that fm can cause, because mostly it causes my body pain and overall weakness. i was reading an article the other day about memory problems with patients with fm. here's an excerpt from the study, "people with fibromyalgia had significantly more memory problems than adults their same age and similar to those 20 to 30 years older." (arthritis foundation research) my energy levels is similar to someone 50 years older than me. can you imagine what that's like to know that?

the trip lasted 18 days. five days out of 18 were really hard for me physically. two of the days were especially tough and they happened in a row. i was really frustrated and depressed those days. it seems like every-time i go somewhere, i always have a terrible time the first few days. and sure people say that's adjusting, but you have no idea what it's like for me. the first day we left, i got no sleep. the airplane was cramped and it got really hot. my body was overheating and i became really dehydrated. i needed the entire second day to recover (that isn't normal). then, at the end of the first week, i had so little energy left, i couldn't do anything. my body felt like death. i had to skip out on an optional tour and head back to the hotel to rest. i just didn't have anything left. i wondered why everything had to be so hard for me. i couldn't even enjoy something as simple as a vacation. why did i still have to suffer through fm? would i ever be free from it? would i ever be free from this body of death? how was i supposed to enter full time ministry like this... i realized something significant that afternoon. i was being attacked by the devil and if i decided to give up, he would leave me alone. i've thought about it. i've thought about giving up so many times in the past, and that day was no different. so much of me wants to throw in the towel and admit defeat. but as i've said in the past, i just can't give up what i know to be so true and real.

the next morning, as i was showering, it hit me. this was a really strategic time to attack. i wasn't able to get any QT with God (in terms of reading) during my vacation since it was jammed pack 24/7. the only times i had alone were on the bus rides city to city (but i can't read in moving vehicles because i'll get a headache). once i got home from my vacation, things with tyndale would pretty much be in full swing. i had orientation the wednesday i got back and then a retreat the coming friday, followed by class starting the monday after that. why not knock down my spirits before all that happened and get me really discouraged? also, since i was on vacation, i didn't really expect anything like this to happen to me either. who does? no one would think that their vacation is going to be full of frustration, pain and suffering. it's supposed to be good times. i guess i let my guard down. and that's a very bad thing to do. when you let your guard down, that's when you get hit.

it seems like the devil has a real problem with the path God's called me to. it's been evident for the past two years, but even more so now. i was chatting with God about that and i realized that these attacks are never going to end. God-willing, if i graduate from tyndale and continue on to full time ministry, the attacks will only intensify. the devil's not about to give up now. he's been throwing everything's he got at me and by the grace of God i've still managed to hold on to this point.

i was reminded of something i had experienced several weeks before. in august, i went to a retreat with my church. on the way home from the retreat, we ran into crazy traffic on the 401. it came to a complete halt. we were stuck there for a good 45 minutes-60 minutes. after some time had passed, people became restless and decided to do something i had never seen before. some cars starting backing up on the shoulder so they wouldn't have to wait. as the space freed up on the freeway, cars started to reverse and drive the opposite way on the shoulder (i mean, why drive backwards when you can drive forwards?). that was probably one of the most interesting things i've seen on a freeway. to be honest, i was really tempted to do the same thing, but since i have fm, i decided not to. turning my neck like that for so long would wreck havoc later. some of the cars were successful in getting off. they drove the opposite direction, then drove across the grass and onto the other side of the 401. eventually, the police caught on and stopped a whole slew of cars (about eight). i couldn't figure out what this was supposed to mean at first. but that morning, it all made sense. the freeway represented the path of Christianity. the cars stuck on the freeway were the Christians following the path. i've been following the path of Christianity all my life. not once have i thought of turning around and getting off... not until all this craziness happened in my life over the past two years. not one of the drivers would have thought of doing what they did, if they didn't get stuck in traffic. getting stuck in traffic meant experiencing problems/struggles in life. when we're faced with problems and struggles, one of our responses is to run away, to give up. for Christians, it means you turn away from God. if life gets too hard/crazy, you walk away from Him. for the drivers that did turn away, while they may have thought it was the best decision at the time, most of them got caught. the consequence of getting caught was much worse than staying in the traffic, waiting to travel the same direction they were originally going. God was showing me that morning the story of my life. i could travel in the same direction i was going (following and being obedient to Christ), no matter how hard and difficult it was, or i could turn the other way and face the potential consequences of that choice (perhaps an unfulfilled life). and like i said, i never will turn away from my God, but here's the million dollar question: if the devil's thrown so much at me already (before i've even started anything), what else does he have in store?

moving on... another thing i realized on the trip was that i haven't really taken the time to deal with my having fibromyalgia. every-time i have a bad day, i get all messed up. i feel like i'm on a rollercoster with my faith nowadays. it's not like i'm going to give up, but it goes up and down all the time. the devil knows this too. he knows i'm the weakest when it comes to my health and he exploits that a lot. i guess i should have expected to have bad days. maybe that will help. preparation always helps you deal with things.

i also realized i'm not much for looking at man-made structures. i wasn't big on touring cities and looking at monuments/statues/palaces and listening to all the history behind it. i'm just not into that stuff. when we were in the UK, we went to buckingham palace for a tour. i was bored out of my mind there. but then i saw a squirrel eating a nut and that was a million times more interesting to me than the palace. maybe i'm strange, but for me, the things that humans make pale in comparison to the things God has created.

so it sounds like this trip has been all bad news. well, it wasn't. i had a lot of good times with my parents which is the real reason why i went on vacation with this year, to spend time with them. we had a lot of time spent together, a lot of laughs and a lot of quality time. my dad really loved it because i'm always so busy when i'm home and he doesn't get a lot of opportunities to spend time with me. it's a little different with my mom, because she's home more than my dad is (because my dad has to go to the office to work). i also had some great times on the bus. i brought my ipod with me, so i'd just turn the music up and listen to worship and CCM music during the long bus rides. and what was really sweet, was while i'd be listening to a song, i'd actually get to see what i was listening to. for example, the song would talk about mountains and rivers and clouds, and right in front of me, would be just that. i loved it. we saw some breathtaking landscapes in europe... stuff you'd want to capture on video or with a camera, but at the same time, things that just couldn't be captured because capturing it wouldn't do it justice. and of course, i caught some really nice footage and got some really nice pictures of different things too.

i've decided that i'll never go on another trip like this. if i ever go on vacation again, it'll be the ones where you laze around and just do things at your own pace. none of these scheduled tour things. do what you want, when you want. i'm all for that.

Posted by Leo Chan at September 8, 2005 7:15 AM