completion

September 9, 2005

have you ever experienced the fulfillment of God's promises in your life?

four years ago, God called me into an exciting journey of graphic design. i remember the day i received my acceptance letter into the program. it's still so vivid in my mind. the entire process of applying was very uncertain for me. in my opinion, i really didn't cut it with my lack of fine arts background. that meant i didn't have the motor skills or the knowledge in any of the arts. had i applied through sheridan, i wouldn't have even made it. sheridan requires you to have grade 12/OAC art. back then, all i knew was that i liked computers and i enjoyed making computer graphics. so i figured why not apply for the program and see what happened.

the competition was tough. over 2000 students from around the world applying for about 125-150 spots. the process was two-tier. you first had to answer an exam-type questionnaire. you were marked according to your responses, and only the highest scores could move on to the second stage. as you can imagine, this weeded out a lot of students. the next stage was the portfolio interview. i never went to a portfolio interview before in my life. i didn't even have a portfolio to begin with! i looked through all my digital files and printed out the ones i thought were the best. in all honesty, most of them were all the same. i even had a few backgrounds that i had created for fun in there (what was i thinking?). the portfolio interview day came. i was the first person to go, and the first person in the entire process! talk about crazy. i had written up my rationale and descriptions of each project and the interviewer simply flipped through all my pages really quickly. i had made a CD of my work that day too, so i told him and we went to go look at it. back then, i was still using PCs, so i didn't know there were differences in making a CD for macs. we ended up talking about that for a while (and all the while i'm thinking, hey shouldn't we talk about my portfolio here?). needless to say, i wasn't sure what to think of the interview. but i knew that God would lead me to wherever i was supposed to go and i left it at that. as time passed on, i was quite positive that i didn't get into the program. i started to think about which other program i would decide to accept.

the day before my birthday, april 6, i got a letter from york. their envelopes have the words "congratulations" written across the front, so you immediately know whether or not you have been admitted to the school. i had already gotten accepted into the IT program i applied for, so i was figuring this was for the design program. but a part of me couldn't believe it. i ripped open the letter and lo and behold, there it was. i was going to be a york / sheridan design student for the next four years. i can't explain how happy i was. it was euphoric. i ran up the stairs, twirled around in a circle and had the biggest grin on my face.

it's quickly how happiness fades when the going gets tough. i had no idea just how difficult design would be, especially because of my lack-of-art ability. i struggled. i was frustrated. how was i supposed to get through my first year, when it involved drawing and very hands on things? there were all these new challenges and they came all at once. but i pressed on and things got better.

i don't remember when it was when i found philippians 1:6 (i'm quite certain it was before first year), but it was the verse i clung to these past four years. it says "He who began a good work in you will carry it onto completion." while i knew things were nearly impossible for me, i knew God had called me into the program and i knew He would see it through despite my limitations. i literally lived and breathed that the first year and all the years to come. that was a huge lesson to learn (and even now, i don't think i've fully grasped it).

at the end of my first year, i wanted out. design didn't end up being what i thought it would be. in the october of my second year, i had quite enough of design. i wanted to switch into something more relevant, more fitting for ministry later on. i didn't see how design would fit. but one thing i knew was that i could not make a decision like that without praying about it, without wrestling with God about it. i knew He had called me into it, but i just wasn't seeing why i was there (you can see my entry called design woes if you want to see what i was thinking about). to make a long story short, God reminded me (with the help of my close friends) that i was to remain. so i stepped out in faith and decided to trust God to sustain me for the next three years as i saw He had for my incredibly difficult first year.

four years passed quickly. before i knew it, i was setting up my panel in the graduation show. had four years passed already? was i finally graduating? it seemed so surreal. that sunday (april 10, 2005), i felt like i was dreaming the whole thing. i just couldn't believe that everything was coming to a close. i was sad and happy at the same time. sad that this chapter of my life was closing, sad that i wouldn't see the classmates whom i had grown to cherish anymore. but i was happy that i decided to stuck through the four years and was able to see God move in so many amazing ways. i was happy that God had given me enough faith to trust in His good work and to trust that He knew best. and i was happy that it was complete. i couldn't describe it. in those moments, i thought back to all the struggles, all the difficulties i had over my four years. i thought to all the feelings and emotions i felt when i wanted to leave and switch out. and i thought back to God calling me to remain. that sunday was the completion of God's promise to me that He would carry out the good works that He started in my life. it was philippians 1:6 fully actualized, fully delivered. that day marked yet another pillar of God's faithfulness in my life. amazing. i never thought i would see the day come, but it did.

as one chapter closes, another opens. september marks the start of another chapter of my life. i had my orientation at tyndale on wednesday. to be honest, i didn't want to be there. the thought of me being a pastor is still very foreign to me. i don't think i'm cut out for it. i mean of all people... why me? there's nothing special about me. when i look at what i know of the Bible from a theological standpoint, i know so little. i don't remember any of the stories from the OT. i haven't even read the whole thing! i don't even see a point in learning more about theology when we can't even put into practice the "simple theological things" like loving your neighbour. why acquire more knowledge if we aren't acting on what we already know to be true? though i do think a lot about what i do know, there's bounds of what i don't know.

i feel like i have nothing to offer. i have less than nothing to offer. this fibromyalgia dictates what i can and cannot do. i don't see how i can do full time ministry when i'm unreliable in the sense that if my body acts up, i can't do anything. i'm so limited even by what i can do (for youth, it's all about spending time with them. and a lot of youths like to stay up late and such. i can't even do a simple thing like that because i need to make sure i get my quality sleep to manage my pain levels). since fm can cause brian fog and memory loss, how could i ever deliver 20-30 minute messages from memory? the ironic thing about me being at tyndale is that i'm studying youth & family ministry is that i'm not even serving in youth ministry right now. i'm focused on worship and the arts, and that's where i'm going to remain for the next while too. i feel like i've been lacking community in my church for the past while now and i need to spend time to get that back. i cannot give what i do not have. long-term, i feel like arts ministry is more of my thing. so why would a guy like me be studying youth & family ministry in the first place (practically speaking, there isn't really any other options for me to take at tyndale. i could do pastoring, but to get a job in that right off the bat is really tough)? i know that i have a heart for building and equipping God's people. i have a heart for identifying people's gifts and seeing them develop. i have a heart for seeing people step into the life God's calling them to.

God seems to always choose the least likely candidates. He delights in that because for people like me, you know that it isn't you at all. i know i've got nothing, so anything that happens is because of the grace of God. it was like that for me in design and it's going to be like that for me at tyndale and for the rest of my life.

that being said, i'm scared. i'm scared of the workload. i'm scared of all the readings i'll have to do (reading for me is hard, not only because i'm slow at it, but also because of the position it places your body in. you have to droop your neck down at your book for prolonged periods of time and that's REALLY bad for my body). i've heard that seminary is really stressful. fm patients are supposed to avoid stress like a plague because that's one of the triggers of pain. i'm scared that i'll be isolated in a Christian environment again. i don't like that at all. i'll have to find ways to interact with the unchurched somehow. i really miss the times i had with my friends from design.

people ask me if i'm excited about tyndale. i'm not. like many humans i don't like change. especially when change comes with so many uncertainties. that being said, i know i'm focusing way too much on me, on what i see/think/feel. i need to put my hope, my trust and my faith in God and believe that He is going to do what He says He will do. God has called me to this next stage of life and i know that He is beginning a good work in me yet again. so however long it takes me to finish this degree (i've decided that i'm not going to rush this degree. i was planning on graduating in three years, but if it's at the expense of my health, it isn't worth it. if i need to drop courses and take a lighter load, that's what i'm going to do.), i know God will pull through like He always has and always will. God is faithful and that isn't ever going to change. philippians 1:6, we're going for a round two.

"and i am sure that God, who began the good work within you, will continue His work until it is finally finished on that day when Christ Jesus comes back again." - philippians 1:6 [NLT]

Posted by Leo Chan at September 9, 2005 10:19 AM