the single life

October 3, 2005

here goes. i've been hesitant to post this, but it's been bugging me for far too long and i need to mark it as something i've been thinking about. after all, that's what my journal is all about. keeping track of what i'm thinking about, what God is teaching me and what He's doing in my life. it's a place for honesty and openness.

i've been single all my life. in fact, i've never even had a date! i've always been scared about so even if i really liked a girl, i couldn't muster the courage to ask. fear is paralyzing. so as i grew older, i started developing my own thoughts about dating. dating to me, is for marriage. there's no point of testing the waters to see what the person is like. that wastes time, resources and heartache. you should have an idea if the person is a potential for marriage. if not, it's not worth pursuing.

everyone has an ideal mate. i certainly do. but sometimes ideals must remain simply as ideals. reality needs to set in because the truth of the matter is, you aren't going to find the perfect person. besides, when we have ideals about things, it puts the onus back on us and off of God. it's about what we want. it's about our will, not His (for more on ideals, see my entry called "about ideals..."). i wonder how many people actually surrender their ideals for a spouse and place it before God. i know the type of person i'm looking for, but that may not be the best for me. since God knows us much better than we do, He knows what truly is the best. i've always made it a point to put everything before God and trust that He knew what He was doing, even if it didn't make sense to me. why would a potential spouse be any different?

but i must say, being single for so long is really tough. there's this stigma in our culture where you have to be with somebody. our culture expects people to get married and have kids. it seems like being alone is a rarity, not the norm. i only know a small handful of people that have not dated by the time they're my age. there's enormous pressure from friends, family, relatives for people to find the right person and get hitched. i frequently get asked, "do you have a girlfriend yet?" i always respond with a "no!" why is that i need to have a girlfriend? can't i be happy being single? this constant repetition is depressing. all it says to me is that after all this time, i still haven't found someone. because of all this, sometimes i feel like there's something wrong with me that keeps me single.

i don't think i'm alone on this thought either. this thought could be the pandora's box for a whole list of thoughts regarding self-esteem. people may think they aren't worthy enough to be loved, or that they aren't significant, or that they aren't lovable. from this, a lot of people date so that they can feel significant, that they're worth something to another person. they want to be validated by another person that they are loved for who they are. i've bought in to this too and it's completely wrong. can i say that until we realize that God is the only One that can fill our deepest longings of approval and love, we shouldn't even think about dating a person. dating another person will not satisfy that need. and if we demand that from another person, we are asking something of them that they cannot give.

i want to be happy being single. i want to be satisfied where i am. in the movie, raising helen, the character pastor dan, said something i really liked. he was talking with helen in the hallway and says, "i'm a sexy man of God and i know it." don't misread me here. the thing that struck me about it was the confidence the character had in himself. he didn't need someone else to validate his self worth or value. he knew who he was. i long to be like that. as long as i'm single, i want to be satisfied with that. i want to be satisfied that God has given me this time of my life.

in fact, i don't think i've ever been content with being single. i've always been on the lookout for a potential spouse. every time i meet someone new, i tend to evaluate her against my criteria for a potential spouse. that isn't cool. but as time passes, i guess i get scared that i'll eventually end up alone. i mean i still haven't dated yet and i'm 23! it's not like i'm getting any younger here. plus the fact that more and more girls will already be in relationships or even married.

i know that i can't live life alone. i know that somewhere down the road, i'm going to need a wife to do life together with. i'm going to need a wife who would keep me in line, in check about certain things. i'd need a wife that would tell me i'm going overboard with something or that i'm seeing things too narrowly. i need to trust God and have faith that He'll provide me with someone when it's His time. i don't know why i have such a hard time doing that. i've been able to trust God with my health (CTI trip) and about my future (being in design for four years), so why not this? is it because the whole marriage thing is a really big deal to me?

so where does this leave me? it all comes back to faith. it always comes back to faith. our problems in life stem from the fact that we just don't trust God enough. we don't trust that His plans and His ways are perfect. that's where my problem lies. i must trust God. i must have faith. i must be satisfied in the circumstances He's placed me in—being single.

"God is most glorified in us, when we are most satisfied in Him" - john piper

Posted by Leo Chan at October 3, 2005 10:57 PM