lacking self-confidence

October 17, 2005

my vocal teacher made an interesting observation about me last week. she was looking at the way i stood up when i sang and she asked me what i was that i was doing in this stage of my life. "i'm a student studying masters" i said. she then proceeded to tell me that i stood like a student. shoulders hunched over, not standing up tall, all of those things. and then she said something that went like this:

"you know what that tells me about you? that you lack self confidence. you're defeated. that you're hiding. is this how you want to present yourself? you're a masters student! you're a man. you're mr. leo chan! stand up."

interesting. she spoke more insight into my life than she knew—it wasn't just about my body posture. i've written about this before, but i have self-confidence issues. nowadays, i have a hard time thinking that i am capable of stepping out into new things, albeit my strong inclination for new challenges and experiences.

i remember in my early years of design i was faced with a lot of new challenges. one class was particularly difficult: 3d design. i was exposed to projects that were well beyond my scope of ability, yet i persisted and tried to do my best. i trusted God to take care of it and i stepped into that. i really believed philippians 1:6. needless to say, that class wasn't without it's difficulties and struggles, but i didn't let my lack of ability or knowledge override the promise of God. He really would carry onto completion what He started. all i needed to do was trust Him and i did. i ended up loving new challenges. there was so much thrill and excitement in them because it made me grow. it made me see that new things were possible if you just tried.

nowadays, it seems that my focus on self overrides that promise of God. for whatever reason, my mentality has shifted into believing that i am not capable of doing things and that uncertainty hinders me from moving forward in God's promise.

case in point. i had to write a book notation for class last month. i've never written a book notation or critical book review or any kind of the sort. you can imagine that i didn't know what i was doing. i really didn't. now some people think this is strange, but when you're in graphic design, that's something you do not do. i tried asking for help but it didn't work out too well. i resorted to asking a friend of mine, an english major from my church for some help. now she hadn't written one before either, but she gave me some pointers that were helpful. the whole process was frustrating for me. how was i supposed to write something that i didn't know how to write? how could i do my best when i didn't know how to do my best for it?

but God reminded me of something through that. i have yet to write about the whole idea of pursuing excellence, but my stance on excellence can be summed up in this one phrase: excellence is doing the best you can within the context that you are in. i learnt this truth last year when i was diagnosed with fibromyalgia and still proceeded with my studies in design. it was a hard truth to learn. my best for this paper, was writing it to how i thought best to write it, despite having any knowledge on how to write it. that was my context.

still, the whole writing process was very shaky. i handed it in and thought nothing more of it. i got my paper back last week. it was the same night of my vocal class. i scanned the page to read the comments and to of course, see my grade. it was an A+. A+? were my eyes deceiving me? i was expecting something like a pass, more along the lines of a C. a big sigh of relief swept over me. i can do this! all of us need small encouragements like that, especially when we're walking on a path that God has called us to and we're still very uncertain about the whole thing. it lets us know that yes, it is possible! that yes, we can do this! that yes, God is walking with us the whole way.

here's what strikes me about this whole deal. i know that i like to think critically. i like to analyze things, ask questions, challenge, and discuss. i also know that God has given me the capacity to do well in school. ever since elementary school, my report cards were always full of As and A+s, with the occasional Bs here or there. the same was true for my university studies and that was not an easy thing to pull off being in design.

when i walked into tyndale this september, all of that foreknowledge went out the window. my uncertainty and lack of self-confidence became my stumbling block. it was what hindered me from believing that God would carry onto completion what He began. it was what caused me endless frustration, doubt and worry.

after class, i went back to jer's house and told him about the whole thing.

"see, i told you. what's the problem?" he said.

i've come to realize that there are people in my life that believe in me much more than i do. i need people like that in my life. we all do. we need people who will cheer us on, who will support our endeavours and challenge us to bigger and better things. eric was that for me. he always believed in me way more than i did. i remember when i first got into design, he wasn't surprised at all. he knew that i would. that's how much he saw my potential and believed in it. and now that i think of it, perhaps my self-confidence issues began to take root when eric passed away. eric passed away right before my third year. by then, i had become confident in design. i knew that i could do well in the program so long as i did my best and put in the time to produce quality work. but not having him in my life did something in me that i was not aware of. my lack of self-confidence took shape in other ways. when i was presented with new opportunities, i was very hesitant in accepting them or even considering them because i didn't think i could do it. and now, when i'm faced with new challenges, i get scared and doubt. the things which i used to love so much now become what i fear.

that's why we need these types of people in our lives. their faith in us, their confidence in what we can become, their relentless desire to challenge us helps us grow. it helps us see things in new ways. it helps us see the possible. it helps us to step out in faith. it helps us take the focus off on self. i'm so thankful that my brother was this type of person in my life. he really did impact my life in more ways than he'll ever know. and i'm thankful that i still have people in my life like this (though it only dawned on me last week) even now. now it all becomes a matter of not listening to my voice of low self-confidence anymore, choosing to listen to these types of people in my life and trusting God.

"and i am sure that God, who began the good work within you, will continue His work until it is finally finished on that day when Christ Jesus comes back again." - philippians 1:6 [NLT]

Posted by Leo Chan at October 17, 2005 11:31 AM