needing others

December 24, 2005

i was back in the pool a few weeks ago. i went in at my new time (around 11:30 am), not expecting many people to be there. to my surprise, it was very full! there were five people there, three ladies in the free area of the pool and two in the swimming lanes. i was the sixth. but it worked okay. the three ladies weren't actually swimming. they were stretching at one end of the pool and would sometimes walk around. so i just swam beside them. i didn't really think much of it, but having 20/20 vision, i couldn't help but notice them in my periphery. they weren't simply stretching on their own; it was a total joint effort. it was actually really interesting. they leaned on each other to stretch. for example, one lady would put her hands on the other lady's shoulder so should had support when she stretched. those ladies needed each other. what they did was not possible on their own.

i realized something that morning. those ladies were the exact opposite of me. on a human level, i don't really depend on anyone. the only person i put my complete trust and faith in is God. He's the only one that's been with me through all the trying times in my life. He's the only one that has given me comfort and peace in all my struggles and hardships. He's the only one that's known everything i've ever felt or thought.

for the past four-five years, i've always felt like it's just me and God. in my first year of university, i was very alone. all the university students were out of town at my church, so i was left to fend for myself. i was in a new program, feeling that i was in way over my head. there were a lot of struggles and uncertainties and no one understood what it was like. so i kept it to myself and trusted God. that year, i learnt that i had been relying far too much on people and not enough on God. i knew it too. most of my second year was spent in transition, looking for a new church and settling into it. the second half of my second year was developing new friendships. then, in the summer, i lose eric. my heart closes up and runs towards the mountains, never to return, never to be hurt again. no one around me could understand the heartache and pain that i was experiencing. most people didn't dare try. it was such an awkward topic to bring up so most people didn't bother. i was alone again. fast forward four months, i develop pains my arms, wrists and hands, which later is identified as fibromyalgia eight months later. yet another part of my life that isolates myself further from everyone else. no one knows what it's like to be stripped away of being able to do everyday tasks and things that you love (i.e. guitar, i stopped playing for a whole year). no one knows what it's like to wake up everyday with your body aching in pain. no one knows what it's like to have to live according to what your body does. but somehow in the midst of all this, i realize that i've been very closed off to people so i try to start opening up more of my life to others. but do i ever really need others in my life? do i ever rely on them? no.

i know that some of this resulted from being far too busy for my own good. i focused so much time in design that there was never any time left for anything else. being open to others and letting people care for me simply wasn't on my agenda. the ironic thing was, that i would make time for other people, to care for them and check up for them, but i never allowed the opposite to happen. i'd disappear and seem unreachable because i was always too busy. my past term in seminary hasn't improved any of this either. i feel like i keep burning my relationships. add to all this the fact that i've always been a very independent person and my personality type is such that relationships is not high on my list.

in the span of these four-five years, i moved from one end of the spectrum (relying too heavily on others) to the opposite end (not relying on others at all). it seems like my life is marked by extremes. i'm always too much of one thing or not enough of it. i need to figure out how to be more balanced in this respect. balance is the one thing that i have a tough time figuring out, but i am learning, slowly.

well, 2006 is around just around the corner. i hope things'll be different and i'm positive that it just might. jon and i are starting up our men's group again. and while it'll take some time to get to know the new faces, i think a lot of good will come from it.

Posted by Leo Chan at December 24, 2005 5:31 PM