the cost of transparency

January 19, 2006

last week, our class got cancelled because our professor thought school started a week later. since we had so much extra time, three of us decided to grab breakfast at mcdonalds. i had already eaten my breakfast a few hours earlier, but i was up for spending some time with them. since i'm still getting to know these two, the typical questions came up. the one question i dread being asked is if i have any siblings. without fail, that question is always the one asked at some part of your getting to know another person. sure, it's an innocent question, but when you come from a history like mine, it's not. the question is loaded.

every time i'm faced with asking the question, i have a choice to make. do i open up my life to the person asking or do i shut off that part of my life from them? for me, it depends on the circumstance. if you're a person that i'm just shooting the breeze with (i.e. people from my club), i'm not going to go into it. but if you're someone i'm trying to get to know and befriend, then i will open up my life to you, no matter how hard, how painful and uncomfortable it is for me to do it.

the irony in all of this, is that whatever answer i give, the result ends up to be pretty similar. if i say i have no siblings, then the issue is settled. it's not going to be brought up again because there's nothing to talk about. but if i say i had a sibling, people generally understand that it's a touchy issue and they most likely won't mention it ever again. frankly, not even my friends who know about all this ask me about eric. i mean why would they? what would they say?

about two weeks ago, i was over a friend's house getting some books from their mom. when all of a sudden, she asks me about how my parents are doing and she asks me about eric. her question caught me off guard, because NO ONE ever asks me anything like that. i blurted out some kind of response. she seemed to think that i had "gotten over it" since so much time had passed. in actuality, it wasn't as long ago as it feels... only 2.5 years ago. i don't think you can ever get over someone's death, especially when it's your own immediate family, and especially when it's that kind of death. i think you can learn to continue on with life. i think you can learn how to face the new day and not dwell on the past. i think you can learn how to deal with the emotions that lay deep within. but to get over it? i don't think so. getting over it seems to imply that you forget, that you no longer cherish and love the person. i refuse to do that. i love my brother, regardless if he's not physically here with me. you simply cannot take out your emotions and disconnect them from your heart.

back to mcdonalds. as we were eating, eventually the question pops up, "so leo, do you have any siblings?" i briefly hesitate and decide to tell them that yes, i had a brother. they ask a few questions. it's uncomfortable. i'm uncomfortable. a wave of emotions flood over me. i speak in a low voice. if you can't feel or imagine what that moment was like, i can tell you that it was really hard. it was hard to open up my life like that, even though it was only for a brief moment. i often have said that my heart has run into the mountains never to be found again. my heart has been hurt once. it doesn't need any more. but i made a choice that day. i wanted to be intentional in getting to know these guys, so i decided to share with them my story despite the pain it took to do it.

that's what being transparent is all about. sometimes it can cause you extreme pain. but if we want authentic relationships, transparency has got to be a part of it. how can we get involved in each other's lives if we don't know what's really going on? an authentic community takes time and it takes effort. it does not develop overnight, nor does it simply happen. it requires intentionality and commitment. intentionality to be transparent in our sharings with one another and commitment to be there to support, love, encourage and edify one another no matter what the situation.

Posted by Leo Chan at January 19, 2006 9:30 PM