thicker skin

March 14, 2006

i switched vocal teachers at the end of january. my teacher was encouraging me to study under her husband, since we had made so much progress in that one session in december. i thought the change made a lot of sense, for i had initially wanted to study with a male teacher!

come february, i started studying with him. i didn't realize it at first, but their styles of teaching and their personality are really quite different. the wife is a lot more motherly. she's kind, caring, and encouraging. the husband is a lot more blunt and up front. he's encouraging too, but he doesn't sugar-coat what he thinks. at first, i thought it was pretty funny. i remember my first lesson with him, i kept laughing at the mistakes that i was making. after all, i was still very new to all this singing stuff.

as lessons progressed, i found that i had a hard time with his style of teaching. it was a lot more harsh. he'd cut me off mid-song, sometimes even after my first two notes and correct me. it got rough. i begin to notice this desire rise up in me to please him. to do whatever it took to make him happy. but i kept failing. i was frustrated that i wasn't able to do what he wanted. i felt like he had all these unfair expectations on me. after all, i hadn't taken vocal lessons for that long... how could he expect me to simply get rid of all my bad habits at once? this bothered me profusely.

i've noticed over the past few years that i really care how others perceive me. i care about their acceptance and approval. whenever i do something, i wonder what people thought of it: when i sing, when i write, when i design, when i read, everything. i don't believe this to be healthy. i thought i had made progress in this area, but after my experiences with my vocal teacher, i guess it hasn't. i think all of this relates to something rooted deep down, from childhood. but this must stop, for i do not live for others, but God alone. add to the fact, that as a leader, i will not always be liked for the decisions that i make. in fact i will be criticized, judged and perhaps even gossiped about. yet, i cannot let myself care too much about such things.

after a few lessons, i decided that no matter how difficult it was, i would stick it through with him. i need to learn how to sort out my issues of looking to others for acceptance and approval. i need to learn how to work with personality types that are more up-front, more blunt about things. in short, i need to develop thicker skin.

i can't say it's been an easy process so far. sometimes i wanted to skip class because i was afraid of what he might say to me. after all, living under the cloud of disappointment isn't the most enjoyable experience. yet, this was my decision. one of the things i've been doing over the past few months is repeating a breath prayer, with the words "i belong to God." i felt that was a good way to enter into my lessons. to remind myself that i belong to God and that's all that matters. i am secure in Christ because it is in Christ that i find life and identity. after doing this, things have been better. my teacher has not changed his style of teaching. he's still the same person he was before. it's my perspective that has changed (though i have been making improvements in the process as well!).

the journey ahead is long. like calluses on a musician's fingertips, it takes time and repeated exposure to develop thicker skin. but this is what i must develop if i am to grow as a person and as a leader.

Father, i desire to look only to you for my identity. sing your song of love over me. help me to understand that i am secure in You, that i don't need to look anywhere else for acceptance and approval. may this truth take deep root in my life and may i rest in that from now until eternity. amen.

Posted by Leo Chan at March 14, 2006 10:33 AM