birthdays

April 7, 2006

today marks the day that i become older than my older brother eric. he was 23 when he passed away. today i am 24. i can't help but feel strange and peculiar about that.

his birthday recently passed. i wasn't even aware that it was march 29th until i wrote down the date on a handout in class. "oh... today would have been his birthday" i thought to myself. in prior years, i was very aware of what the date was. i knew his birthday would be coming up and i knew how hard it would be to deal with that. this year, busyness has kept my mind occupied with many things. busyness has a way of keeping our minds from thinking about certain things, especially the painful things. these past few weeks have been highly intensified with many assignments and readings to complete. i find when i focus my attention on school, i lose track of what day it is for i live assignment to assignment.

physically writing down march 29th on my page caught me off guard. a ton of thoughts swirled through my head in that brief moment, only to dissipate as i focused my attention back on the lecturer. almost three years have passed now since his death. even now, it still seems so surreal to me—like a bad dream i can't wake up from.

there are sporadic moments, when a flood of emotions surge in me, causing me to stop whatever i am doing and acknowledge what is going on. those moments, are triggered by something that reminds me of eric, a visual, a word, a smell, anything. today is one of those days. i went to breakfast with my dad this morning. on the way down, we passed by the funeral home where we held eric's service. thoughts, emotions raced through my mind. we are taught, in this culture, to push those thoughts and feelings aside. i think it's important to relive these moments, no matter how difficult it is. reliving the moments helps us remember. maybe some people don't want to remember, i do. i never want to forget. eric will always be a part of my memories, part of my heart, part of who i am. i rarely think about as much nowadays, but i suppose that's part of the process. his pooh bear still sits on my bed and every time i look at it, i'm always reminded of my brother.

earlier this week, i talked to my friend loretta. she was very close to my brother and she is never afraid of bringing him up in our conversations. i really appreciate that about her. it's very rare for that to happen. and though, it is uncomfortable and even painful to answer sometimes, i think it's wonderful. loretta was telling me how living in vancouver reminds her of my brother. she told me how if he were to still be alive, how he'd probably be chilling on her couch everyday. i agreed with that. eric adored vancouver and if he were to be chilling anywhere, it would definitely be at loretta's place. she too, was reminded of his birthday that just past. and when she thought of his birthday, she thought of my family. so, she gave us a call on tuesday. loretta is definitely one of my favourite people.

yesterday, i was thinking about birthdays. in our celebration, our attention is focused solely on the birthday boy/girl. this is natural and even expected. but i wonder. i wonder how much attention we should be giving to the individual in comparison to the ones who gave that individual life; by this, i mean God and the individual's parents. if we are celebrating life, should we not also celebrate the source of life? it is only through the source of life that the individual has life in the first place!

while i never make much of my own birthday (all i like to do is have a nice meal with my friends and family), i have new perspective on it this year. this morning, i decided i wanted to make my birthday about the source of life, and not about me. my parents wished me a happy birthday this morning. my dad, spontaneously decided we should go for breakfast. my mom already ate, so she said she'd meet us at the restaurant. i wanted to tell them how much i appreciated their support, their love and care over the past 24 years of my life. i wanted to tell them, that though this birthday is supposedly to celebrate me, i wanted to celebrate them. how often do we ever share with our parents these thoughts? unfortunately, my mom took longer than expected, so i never had a chance to sit down with both of them to express my thoughts with them. i'll have to get them together later so i can do this. at the very least, i'll e-mail them, because i won't see my parents at all today.

birthdays are a great time for reflection, to look back on all that God has done and celebrate Him for it, but also to look at where we are in life and to ask ourselves some questions. in the x number of years on earth, how have we been living for the glory of God? have we been sharing our faith with others? in the past year, have we grown deeper and more mature in our faith? have we been bearing more fruit? are we more Christ-like? are we still struggling with the same things?

i look at my life and give praise to God for how He's carried me constantly throughout life, especially through the past few years. i praise Him for His faithfulness and loving kindness on me. i praise Him for this past year, for the friendships i've made at tyndale and for all the things i've learnt and experienced (i'll save this for another post). i praise God for the close friends in my life.

lastly, i think we should also celebrate the other people in our lives, namely our friends. the person who we are today has been influenced by those around us, for better or for worse. i have shared many wonderful moments with my closest friends. i have been shaped constantly by their encouragement, support and perspectives and i appreciate that so much. eric, on his 23rd birthday, decided that he would make his birthday not about himself, but the other people in his life. he e-mailed his closest friends and encouraged them by how they've touched his life. today, i will follow in his footsteps and do the same. i have so much to learn from the life my brother lived.

i eagerly wait and anticipate all that will come this year. i am excited for what God will do in and through me. my prayer, is by this time next year, i will have grown in more Christ-likeness, i will have grown in wisdom and maturity, and i will have grown in my identity in Christ. my desire is to become the man God has called me to be, in ever increasing fullness.

so, as i celebrate today, here's to my parents and to God for breathing in me the gift of life and to my friends. i love you all.

Posted by Leo Chan at April 7, 2006 11:10 AM