a beautiful love story

November 10, 2006

last friday was ann and my six month anniversary.

the highlight of the evening was our gift exchange. both of us had been working on our "secret projects" for one another. we both spent a lot of time putting them together. ann made me a scrapbook, highlighting everything we've done over the past six months. as i was reading her note at the beginning, i was overwhelmed by her thoughtfulness, her care, her time, her efforts, and most of all, her love. it moved me so much that tears welled up in my eyes.

as we looked through the scrapbook together, i was reminded very much of God's goodness and love on us. i was reminded of how God brought our lives together at the right time. earlier that night, before eating dinner, ann asked me to pray for the food and for us. i was so amazed, so full of gratitude and thanksgiving to God, that i could barely put words together. thank you simply wasn't enough for me to say to God, but i didn't know how to say it in any other way. there was no words in the english language that could express what i was feeling: joy, gratitude, amazement, awe, wonder, disbelief (i could not believe that we were together), happiness, love, peace, hope. words are sometimes not enough. i've been so thankful for the work that God has done in our lives. i still feel like i'm dreaming sometimes. i ask myself, is this true? can it really be true? how can someone so amazing actually exist? and how is it that i'm with her? 

i never wrote about how our relationship began; i think this is a fitting time to do so. our relationship was God ordained from the very beginning and i am in constant awe of His mercy and grace on us.

from a very early age, i saw dating as something you should and only do if you could foresee the person you were with as a potential spouse. it was more than just having feelings for someone and them having feelings for you. it was deeper than that. it was about the long term. i never saw anyone in that light, so i never asked anyone out. i was single for 24 years. that's not easy, by the way. being single for so long in an age where everyone around you is hooking up, getting engaged and getting married, is hard. it's hard because you feel left out. it's hard because you wonder if you'll ever meet the right person. it's really hard.

over the years, i heard a lot of messages about dating. i'm really glad that i did. it helped shaped what i understood about dating and what i understood of myself. i knew that though i wanted to have a wife, i was never ready for one. i had so much on my plate, from school, to church to my own life. so much happened in my life and i needed to deal with that. i always joked with people about saying how i choose to be single, but i honestly believe that God kept me single for that long to develop and grow who i was. He kept me single to prepare me to be in a relationship. i think some of us move too fast for that to happen. we act our feelings for other people and head straight into relationships without asking and waiting on God. but know this, God's timing is truly perfect. at just the right time, in just the right way, He provides. we could try to advance His agenda and take things into our own hands, but i'm so glad that God enabled me not to. i've seen the heartache and pain that people have felt because of relationships that didn't work out. i've seen the baggage that they carry with them in their lives because of it. still, all this being said, i know how hard it is to ask and wait on God because if you are single for as long as i was, the situation seems very hopeless and bleak. i always wondered, "when would it happen? would it ever happen?" i always said to my mom, "where's the wife?" in her wisdom, she would reply "she's coming right up. God's preparing her." that never really did it for me. but in retrospect, how words were so true. we'll get to that later.

while i prayed regularly to meet my wife, i doubted that it would actually happen to me. to me, meeting her seemed so far-fetched. it seemed so intangible. it seemed utterly impossible. everywhere i looked, i saw nothing. and believe me, i was looking. i had no idea where i would meet her. she wasn't at church and she wasn't at school. those were the only two places where i interacted with people. so where would she come from? would she somehow fall from heaven? i remember one of my friends told me, "leo, maybe you already know her." i shrugged. i couldn't think of anyone. enter ann.

i met her at urbana 2000. a massive group of torontonians headed down that year. she was amongst that massive group. we met during the conference. in fact, we actually sat beside each other during the new year's eve service. we got to know each other briefly and exchanged contact information. we kept in touch for a while, but eventually we lost contact. in november 2005, tony campolo was speaking at my church. ann and her friend wendy came. i had no idea she came. i was part of the worship team that day and after the event ended, ann came up to say hi. we spoke briefly and updated each other about where we were at. i hadn't seen her or spoke to her in years. it was nice to see her again.

like i said earlier, i never thought i was ready for a wife. some of my friends and family told me that i was too picky and that my standards were too high. but i don't think that was the case at all. God was doing in a work in me to prepare me. part of that was getting my priorities straight. i always had this list of things i wanted my wife to have. some were deep and very important to me, some were more superficial (i.e. playing the piano, cooking well, enjoying food). around december 2005, i came to the conclusion that all i really wanted was a godly woman. someone who desired God and was being shaped by Him. i finally started to feel like i was ready to be in a relationship. the big question for me was, "where is she going to come from?"

around february, i started thinking about being a tc coach. after high school, i was never able to help out at tc because of university. that week was always one of the most intense weeks in design and there was no way i could skip class for it. jer had been a tc coach one year and he had a pretty great experience, so he encouraged me to do it. can't, i told him. got school. busy. well, being at tyndale, that excuse no longer worked. we had the march break off. so, after praying about it and having jer kicking me in the butt, i decided i'd do it. i had no idea what i was getting myself into. when i finally asked paula about it, they no longer had need for senior coaches and were looking for junior coaches. i really didn't want to do junior. it was too much of a stretch for me, so i told her that i'd really want to do senior. by then, i had missed a lot of the coach workshops. i went to the last one offered and guess who i saw there? ann. she was a senior coach. we briefly talked. in the workshop, we also sat beside each other.

fast forward to TC, day two. the coaches had the option of attending a coaches workshop. the day before, a bunch of coaches skipped it and we hung out on these couches upstairs in the church. i intended to do the same on day two. that morning, i went upstairs to put my stuff away and then went to the bathroom. when i came out, i saw ann heading towards the couch area, where we were the day before. i asked her what she was going to do and we decided to hang out. it was just the two of us. for some strange reason, all the other coaches were nowhere to be found. they all disappeared. i believe that moment was God ordained. ann and i never really got to know each other very well before that day. that was our first time. we sat beside each other and talked for 1.5 hrs. we talked about a lot of things, deep things. i loved every moment of it. as we talked, i kept thinking, "man, this girl is amazing! i've never met anyone like her!" the biggest thing that stood out to me about her, was her deep desire and love for God. she was the kind of godly woman i had been looking for. time flew by so quickly. for the rest of the day, we kept bumping into each other and chatting. ann mentioned that "we should go grab a coffee sometime." i knew that i was definitely going to take her up on that offer. she perked my curiousity. i was really interested in getting to know her more. there was no way i would miss the opportunity. at the end of TC day two, ann and i spoke briefly and i made sure to mention to her that i would really like to go for coffee with her sometime. i decided that i was going to follow up with her two weeks later.

leaving TC, i was pretty excited. i really wanted to get to know ann more, so i looked her up on MSN. i went online every day to see if she was there. i hadn't been using MSN much prior to that. a lot of my friends noticed i was on MSN all the time and they asked me about it. i'd say, "oh, i have more free time now." two weeks later, she finally went on.

before i continue, it's important that i mention one thing. i was never good with talking to girls. i never knew what to say to them, so for me to have the courage to do any of this was not from me. i was well aware of this during the entire process. it was God who gave me the courage. to give an example. i remember jer asked me to called one of the girls on synergy to check up on her and see how she was doing. i was extremely hesitant but he made me do it. i didn't know what to say. that call was the most awkward conversation i've ever had.

ann and i started to get to know each other over msn. we continued to find out that we had virtually everything in common, from superficial things to deeper stuff. i think both of us were equally surprised and amazed by that. since easter was coming up, ann had been planning to do a special presentation at her church. i had created some motion graphic videos earlier on that i thought could be helpful, so i told her to view them.

the following week was my birthday. ann sent me a sweet e-card. the following monday was ann's birthday (our birthdays are three days apart). i wanted to send her an e-card too, but as a graphic designer, i was disappointed with the designs i saw. so, i decided to make my own e-card for her. by now, i already had feelings for her. ann had told me that she really wanted to use the videos at her church; i told her it would be best to give her a DVD with them so it'd play at high resolution (in actuality, i wanted an excuse to meet with her). we met up that week, thursday night. we had a great time of sharing and fellowship. both of us were really anxious and nervous about it, but it turned it to be a really amazing time.

from then on, we started talking a lot on the phone and hanging out together. throughout this whole process, i was praying a lot about ann. i knew i had feelings for her and i could see her as a potential spouse. but, i knew that i could be simply acting on my own desires and i wanted to avoid this at all costs. i wanted to make sure that what i was feeling was from the Lord. i wanted to make sure that ann was the person He wanted me to be with. i was also scared. after losing eric, my heart had closed up. i wrote in an earlier entry that my heart went far away, high up into the mountains, never to return again. i was afraid of being hurt again. i couldn't bear the pain. but i could feel my heart opening up to ann. and it was opening up fast. so while we got to know each other, i started saturating myself in God's word, in prayer, seeking the guidance and counsel of close, trusted friends and listening to lots of sermons about dating, relationships and marriage.

our relationship grew deeply in a very short amount of time. i felt i knew ann as well as people i knew for several years. around mid-april, i  started thinking about letting ann know about my feelings for her. i felt it was important for both of us to be clear about where we were at in our relationship. were we just friends? was it leading to something more? did we both have feelings for each other? some people call this a DTR, defining the relationship. i am a firm believer in it. i think it's almost impossible for single girls and guys to be close friends and not have any feelings for one another. one side is bound to have feelings for the other side at some point. that's why it's important to do a DTR, so there's clear expectations on both sides. it'll avoid a lot of potential heartache and disappointment.

i wasn't sure when i could do this though. was it too soon? i received a variety of opinions from my close friends. some told me to wait. some told me to go for it. i felt in my heart that i needed to tell her and that i needed to tell her soon. i decided that i would do something really special for her, tell her my feelings and ask her out. the date was set for may 3, 2006.

as the date neared, i became more and more nervous and scared. what would she say? would she say yes? if she said no, i'd be devastated and crushed. by this point in our relationship, i was already very emotionally involved and my heart was already vulnerable to her. i didn't think i could handle hearing her say no, but at the same time, i needed to know. there wasn't any way i could remain silent and let our relationship continue without being clear about where we were at. i was praying a lot about this, giving my concerns and thoughts to God, waiting on Him and listening to Him. God spoke to me so clearly about it. never in my life had God been so reassuring and so direct with me about something. He kept reassuring me that ann would say yes, that He had brought us together for this purpose. and every time i would talk back in rebuttal, He would keep reassuring me. "but, but, but, what about..." "leo, trust me, i didn't bring you together to cause you pain." God knew where i was at. He knew what i needed to have the courage to step out in faith and ask ann. He reminded me of His words in jeremiah 29:11 [NIV], "for I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."

may 3rd, game day. i opened up my Bible that morning and read philippians 2:13 [NIV], "for it is God who works in you to will and to act according to His good purpose." it was just what i needed to hear. throughout march and april, i had been wondering if i was acting on my desires and wishes, rather than God's. that morning, it became crystal clear to me. God was saying to me that morning, that yes, sometimes we make our desires and plans into what we believe is from God. after all, if you really want something bad enough, you can make anything support it. but with ann, that simply wasn't the case. God had been working in me to will and to act in this way. like i said before, it really wasn't me that could do all these things. God was giving me the courage and the encouragement to act this way.

my plan was this: pick ann up from work, give her a rose, blindfold her, take her to edward's gardens where our picnic site would already be set up, have lunch together, sing her a song, do my speech and ask her out. when we got to edward's garden, i led ann out of the car and walked her to the picnic site. i remember that i couldn't believe i was actually going through with it. it was so atypical of me. when we got to the picnic site, i took off her blindfold and she was VERY surprised. she asked me a lot of questions. we enjoyed our picnic and then i told her to close her eyes again. i went to grab my guitar that i had carefully hid behind a tree. again, i thought to myself, "i can't believe i'm really going through with this!" i starting singing to her, very nervously, i might add, not knowing what was going through her head. after i finished, i picked up her hands and said the little speech i had prepared (for those of you who know me well, i'm very bad at on the spot speaking. i need to put things to paper before i can gather my thoughts in any kind of intelligible way). the last part of my speech was asking her to go out with me. she, of course, said yes. that's what God had been telling me all along but i was so nervous nonetheless. i couldn't believe it! did it really happen? i finally met the woman of my dreams and now i was together with her. it was so incredible. i felt so much joy in my heart and i couldn't contain it. i wanted to shout it from the rooftops and tell everyone i knew. that moments was one of the most cherished, most happy, most important moment in my life.

prior to all of this, ann, like me, had been wrestling with her feelings. she wondered if i reciprocated them or if it was one-sided. she wanted to approach me and talk about it. in fact, may 2nd, she had been talking to someone about it, about what she should do. she was advised to talk with me about it. it was no coincidence that the next day, i asked her out. ann thought she'd have to wait a really long time before i said anything. and had i listened to some of the advice i received, she would have. but i couldn't deny what God was doing within me. i couldn't deny what i was feeling, what i was thinking about. i'm so glad that He gave me the courage, the faith to act out.

i wrote earlier, that my mom always said to me, "she's coming right up. God's preparing her." God wasn't simply working in me. He was working in ann too. He had brought her to place where she would not settle for anyone but the person she was going to marry. ann was perfectly content being single. she would have much rather been single than to be with the wrong person. when we re-met each other, it was exactly at the right time. i had been praying for God to provide me with a wife. ann had been praying to God that He would provide her a husband. had it been at a different time, it wouldn't have worked. God truly had perfect timing.

ann and i have grown so much throughout the past six months. i've learned so much from her, about myself and about God through our relationship. i've never experienced such deep love for anyone before. i've never cared for someone this much. i thank God every day for having her in my life. i thank God every day for being so good to us, for bringing our lives together at just the right time, for His purposes. i thank God for giving me this wonderful privilege and honour to walk alongside ann in this life and i will be forever grateful to Him. i would never have thought that i could meet someone that was so on the same page as me about everything. i would never have thought i'd meet the woman of my dreams this year. ann is so more than anything i could ever have asked or hoped for. i still can't believe i'm with her!

ann, happy six months!! you're such a precious, daughter of God. you're such a blessing to me. thank you for brightening up my life. thank you for your care, your words, your encouragements, your thoughtfulness, your time, your advice, your gifts, your trust, your sacrifices, everything! but most of all, thank you for your love for me. may we grow deeper in our love each day.

Posted by Leo Chan at November 10, 2006 3:11 PM