my soul must sing

November 12, 2006

it's hard to watch the ones you love go through pain. it's even harder to know that there's nothing you can do to help them.

my mom's health has been slowly declining over the past few months. she's seen doctor after doctor, doing test after test, hoping that someone will be able to pinpoint what's been going on in her body. to this day, no one has been able to figure out anything. all her test results return negative, but her symptoms remain the same and her health gets worse. something is obviously wrong, but what is it? every day i wake up hoping that my mom would feel better and every day my hope is vanquished.

i've been praying hard for her. i've been pleading with God to heal her. but He has not yet answered. i know God loves my mom and that He is able to heal her. i want to believe that He will, i want to trust that He will, but i honestly don't know. God still hasn't healed me from my fibromyalgia and believe me, i've prayed fervently that He would. i've asked people to pray for me. i've responded at services for healing. and yet He still hasn't. i don't know if He ever will. some people think that God desires to heal everybody from physical ailment, but i don't think that's true. maybe i'm wrong. but when i look at the world, i don't see that happening. still, i want to have faith that God will heal my mom.

this whole deal has been really hard on my entire family. the unspoken fear, that all of us are afraid of putting to words, is that my mom's life is in jeopardy. my family couldn't handle that at this point. i know that all of our days are numbered, but i'm praying that the Lord will give my mom many, many more days. i can't lose her. my dad can't lose her. the shock, the trauma, the pain, the hurt of eric's death still ripples through each of us and if we lost her now, we'd be absolutely devastated and crushed.

i love my mom dearly. she's one of the sweetest, brightest, cheery people you'd ever meet. she's an amazing woman of God and i respect her so much. i have so much to learn from her. she's also one of the most important people in my life. she's always been there to support, love, care, and encourage me and i thank God for giving me such an amazing mom. she truly is the best mom in the world!

i wish i had more time on my hands, so i could do help around the house more, like cook and clean. my mom simply can't do all the things that she used to do. but i've got so much on my plate right now: church, school, job hunting and my health. over the past month and a half, i've experienced frequent dizzy spells. sometimes they last for a few minutes, sometimes a few hours. it's very uncomfortable and i have a hard time concentrating and doing anything when it hits. i've been seeing doctors and doing tests to figure out what's going on, but no one knows yet. i've been praying that God would shed light on me too. lately, i've been experiencing a lot more pain in my body and i've been feeling a lot more tired during the day.

all of this has been chipping away at my spirits without me noticing it. i arrived at church this morning, wanting desperately to meet with God and hear from Him. as we started, i had a hard time worshipping. it's hard to worship God when you're facing difficult times, but i believe that is exactly what we must do and what we need to do. in difficult times, we need to cling to God the most. i realized that i couldn't really sing the songs and mean them. so, i decided to sing the songs to myself, to my soul. i needed to do that. i needed to be reminded of God's greatness and God's character. i needed to be reminded that God is love. slowly, but surely, God lifted my eyes from my current troubles and fixed them on Him. i could once again worship Him for who He was.

a few years ago, when charlie hall lead worship, i remember him saying that sometimes we need to sing to our soul. i never really understood what he meant by that, but i do now. sometimes our soul is so discouraged and downcast, so heavy, so full of burdens, that we are unable to truly worship God. we are unable to lift our eyes from our problems and look to God. we are unable to give to Him all the things that weigh us down. in those moments, we would do well to acknowledge our struggle and ask the Lord to help us and then sing (i don't necessarily mean that we actually sing) to our soul about what is true. we need to remind ourselves of who God is. even if we don't believe it at the moment, we must remind ourselves of who God is. as we start focusing on Him, things change. we begin to remember who He is.

that's what david did in psalm 42:5-6 [NIV], "why are you downcast, o my soul? why so disturbed within me? put your hope in God, for i will yet praise him, my Savior and my God. my soul is downcast within me; therefore i will remember you from the land of the jordan, the heights of hermon—from mount mizar."

i don't know what the future holds, but i know God holds it. i know He hold my mom in His hands. i know that she's His child and He loves her very much. i pray that God would bring healing into her life. i pray that He would continue to sustain her life. i pray that He would shed light on what's going on. i pray that He would encourage, comfort, and strengthen her. i pray that the joy and the cheeriness would return back to her.

Lord, "I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!" - mark 9:24 [NIV]

Posted by Leo Chan at November 12, 2006 2:50 PM