a letter to you

December 16, 2006

there's so much i wish i said to you while you were still living, but i don't have that luxury anymore. you're gone. you've been gone 3.25 years. i wish you were still here with me. i realize that my love for you has never changed; in fact, i think it's grown deeper for you. you made a huge impact on me. you influenced me in ways you never knew. you always said you looked up to me. you always said you wanted to be like me. can i tell you something? i looked up to you. a lot. a heck of a lot. i always wanted to know what you thought about things. i turned to you for advice. i turned to you for perspective. i turned to you for encouragement. i always appreciated you. i always thought highly of you. you may not have thought much of yourself, but i thought much of you. you were and still are the brightest person i know. you saw life from a truly unique perspective. i loved the zeal you had for life. i loved the way you saw things. you always challenged conventions. you never settled for anything. you never conformed. i've never met anyone else like you. you were truly one of a kind.

you were my protector, my encourager, my comforter. you were the one who believed in me when i didn't believe in myself. you were the one who looked out for me. you were the one who protected me from harm. you always fought for me. you always defended me. i never deserved any of that. i never deserved the kindness, the respect, the faith, the honour, the care, the love you gave me. you shielded me from so much. you took on it upon yourself to bear the things i should have faced. i still don't know why you took it upon yourself to do that. you always told me that the purpose of your life was to shield me and protect me from harm. the love you showed me is truly profound. you were more than i could ever have asked for in a brother. you were the best brother in the entire world.

thank you for being the person you were. thank you for loving me so much. thank you for standing by me through thick and thin. thank you for everything. i love you. i miss you dearly. sometimes i forget what you sound like. sometimes i forget what you smell like. sometimes i forget how you acted and even the person you were. you seem so distant, so far away from me. that makes me sad. i don't want to forget, but i guess that's what happens. i long for the day when i will see you again. i long to be reunited with you.

there's a song i heard a while ago. it reminds me of you. it's called "for good." i heard it at a musical called wicked. you would have loved it. fantasy, lore, magic, awesome music, sweet costumes. you would have applauded with me. you would have reacted the same as me. this song represents a lot of the words i wish i said to you while you were still here. and though i wish you didn't have to leave so soon, i'm glad to have the privilege of knowing you for 21 years of my life. i'm blessed to have known you. i'm blessed to have had you in my life. though you may not hear it now, i sing this song to you.

I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you:

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend:
Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you:

Because I knew you:
I have been changed for good

And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the things I've done you blame me for

But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

And none of it seems to matter anymore

Like a comet pulled Like a ship blown
From orbit as it Off it's mooring
Passes a sun, like By a wind off the
A stream that meets Sea, like a seed
A boulder, half-way Dropped by a
Through the wood Bird in the wood

Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
I do believe I have been changed for the better?

And because I knew you:
Because I knew you:

Because I knew you:
I have been changed for good.

Posted by Leo Chan at December 16, 2006 8:36 AM