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March 29, 2007

today marks what would have been eric's 27th birthday. it's another birthday he's missed. in fact, it's the fourth birthday he missed. i always thought it'd get easier to move through life as time passed, but i realized it doesn't. maybe it's because i finally feel like i'm mourning for him. or maybe it's because as time passes, eric misses more of the important things in my life.

ever since february, i've been dreading march. march always reminds me of eric. as the 29th came closer and closer, i felt more dread and more sadness inside. i think it's because march 29th is another reminder that eric is actually not here and oh how i wish that weren't true. to this day, i still wish he was here with me. i miss him terribly. i wonder what he would have done today. i wonder where he would have been in life. would he have been married? would he be still in toronto or in vancouver? would he be working? so many wonderments with no possible answers.

it was hard falling asleep last night. when i woke up this morning, i was thinking about eric a lot. i missed him so much. i laid in bed for a while, talking to him a bit. i told him how unfair i think this whole thing is. it feels so unfair that he had to go so early. he was only 23. we didn't have enough time together to share memories. now, all i have are a few distant memories. i wish he could have met ann. he's missed the most important part of my life–meeting ann. getting to know her. meeting the woman i'm going to marry. i know he would have loved her. i know he would have gotten so excited about our relationship, about our engagement and about helping plan our wedding. eric would have been my best man, without a doubt. but, none of this can happen. he's gone. i wanted to stay at home today and just think about him and remember him, but i couldn't. i had to go to work. i was so tempted to call in sick but i didn't think that was a legitimate excuse. i could have told my supervisor the truth, but i didn't feel comfortable. i think i'll take the day off next year, for his birthday and for august 13th. i realized today how much i love eric. almost four years has passed and still the love i have for him burns.

i decided to wear eric's favourite t-shirt today. it's the 96-97 UHS t-shirt. i was also going to wear his drawstring pants and his favourite guess long sleeve shirt, but one was in the hamper and the other wasn't businessy enough. i felt like by wearing his clothes, i could feel close to him again. a few days ago, i decided that i wanted to eat dinner at neptune's cove with ann. i felt that by going to his favourite restaurant, i could honour his memory.

as i was going to work, my heart hurt–a lot. it felt so vulnerable, wounded and broken. i reminded myself of God's great love towards me and though the pain inside hurt so bad, He still was the God that i've known all my life–the same faithful, loving, unchanging God. i asked God to bring healing inside, to help me mourn for eric. i wanted to cry, but i didn't have the space or time to do it. i didn't know how i could get through the day. how do you work when your heart isn't there? how do you work when your heart hurts so much? ann told me to ask for God to sustain me, so i did. He did. He was faithful. He helped me get through the day.

i went to counseling after work. i was praying that God would lead the session and that He would do His work. i was glad i had counseling today. it really helped me to get some things off my chest, things that i wanted to tell eric. it was the second time that i cried during a session and it felt good. i wanted to cry more, but for some reason i couldn't. maybe i was still suppressing something or because i didn't feel that comfortable. i don't know. crying really is great. i'm really thankful when God allows me to release some of the emotions that have been stored up in my heart for so long. i know there's still a lot of stuff there and i pray that God would continue to lead me through this time.

afterwards, i met ann at neptune's cove. she was already there, waiting for me at the table (she's such a sweetie). it was hard going inside. i literally had to force myself in, but it made me happy to go to his favourite restaurant. i ordered an iced tea because he loved the iced tea there the most. i made sure i ate a lot of pickles because eric always raved about how awesome the pickles were.

when i got home, i decided to blog about today. i wanted to record and release the emotions and thoughts i've had about eric. writing helps me put to words things that i feel. it also reminds me that the things i feel is actually real, since i have so much to say in words. at one point, i wanted to light a candle for eric. ann bought me a really nice candle back at christmas time, so i asked her to light it for me. i also looked at some pictures of eric with ann. it makes me sad that i have so few pictures of him. i wish i had more. most of all, i wish i had more pictures with him when i was older. i wonder if anyone has pictures of me and eric that i haven't seen? i'd love to see them if they exist. that'd be so awesome.

i shared some stories with ann and then i asked her to do something different and unusual. eric's pooh always sits in my room. it reminds me of him. when i look at pooh, it's almost like looking at eric. since i've been wanting eric to meet ann ever since we started dating, i thought, hey maybe ann could introduce herself to eric by talking to pooh. and she did. i felt so grateful for her. she was so willing and open to do it, even though it was uncomfortable and strange. and that meant so much to me. i cannot put to words how moved i was by her actions. her saying hi to eric meant EVERYTHING to me and it brought me to tears. in fact, it brought us both to tears. ann has been the most loving, wonderful support for me. i appreciate and value her so much. i'm so grateful to have her in my life. i'm so thankful for her. she's been here for me every single step of the way and i thank God so much for her. she has been so supportive of me sharing my pain, my hurts and my memories about eric with her. in fact, she encourages me to do so. i'm so thankful for her.

and with that, it's now almost 12 am, march 30th.

eric, this would have been your 27th birthday. i wish you could have been here. i wish i could see you, talk to you, listen to you, laugh with you, touch you, be with you. i know that i will have that chance one day in heaven. i love you today the same as i did yesterday. i will always love you. you were the best brother i could have asked for. you were so supportive, so caring, so protective, so wise, so encouraging, so awesome! i love you with all my heart and i can't wait to see you again. i know that the road ahead is still very long, but i know that God will continue to strengthen me, uphold me, keep me, comfort me and heal me. till we meet again! oh, and eric, i'm really, really glad that you met ann today. finally!!!! i bet you're smiling right now. love you.

Posted by Leo Chan at March 29, 2007 11:52 PM