seven

August 13, 2010

eric, it gets harder every year. i remember less and you seem further and further away.

i hate this time of year. i really, really do. i dread it months before it comes. when august rolls around, i think about it every day... and day after day, as the 13th gets closer, that sense of dread rises up in me until i am overrun and helpless in my condition. and i realize, it's not the 13th that's the hardest day, it's also the 12th. because the 12th was the last day i saw you alive. the 12th was the last day i talked to you. sigh.

why did it have to come to this? why did you have to do it? couldn't we have worked it out? couldn't we have figured it out together? i would have done anything for you... anything. but no, i didn't get a say in it. none of us did. it came like a thief in the night. one day you're here with us, the next day, gone for the rest of our lives.

eric, this year, i realize, that a lot of the stuff that i've buried deep inside for so long needs to come out. it needs to surface. i don't know how and i'm paralyzed by fear to do it, but it needs to come out. i have questions. i have whys. i have deep feelings that i don't even know how to describe, let alone feel. but they are there. if i feel anger, then i want to be angry. if i feel sad, then i want to feel sad. i realize a lot of the stuff i wrote soon after you passed away, was stuff i needed to tell myself to get me through. and now, seven years later, that stuff has started to crumble down.

this year was the first time i realized i was angry with you. and i think i still am in a lot of ways. i'm angry that you could think that we would just get on by without you. i'm angry that you didn't consider us. i'm angry that you robbed me of so many memories with you. i'm angry that i don't have you here with me anymore. how, in the world, could we have just moved on without you? i will never move on. i will never forget. how can i?

you were one of the greatest influencers of my life. you were one of my greatest supports. you were one of my bestest friends. and you were my only dear brother. do you realize? i look at other brothers all the time and i can't help but feel a deep pain in my heart and a deep sense of loss because i didn't have enough time with you. 23 years wasn't enough.

every time something major happens, i wish you were there... oh how i wish you were there. like when i met ann.... like when i wanted to ask her out. like when i asked her to marry me. like when we finally got married... all these moments - you could have been there... and i could have been there for you too. i always wonder what you would have become. i always wonder where you'd have been by now. i think we would have still been the bestest friends even to this day.

eric, you know what i think i need? i think i need to really have like the biggest cry ever. i think i need to scream. i think i need to yell at the top of my lungs and mourn and deal and feel all the things i couldn't over these past many years. but how? i don't know...

you know what else i realize this year? i need more time to think about you. doing everything on august 13th isn't enough. i need more days. ann and i started doing things yesterday to remember you and that made me happy. one big thing, was ann suggested we write down all the memories i can remember of you and store it in a file so it'll help me remember. i liked that a lot and we have about two pages of notes so far. i want to keep going.

yesterday we went to markville mall. i wanted to get your pocket watch started up again. the battery died a long time ago so i got it replaced. it was really cool seeing the hands start moving again. i also wanted to eat mrs. vanelli's in your memory, but like most restaurants that you liked, it's gone now. i was shocked and in disbelief. so instead, we did something we used to do all the time. we ate double double pizza. we ordered the usual, pizza, wings, wedges. brought it home and then ate it front of the tv. we watched beauty & the beast and drank iced tea. you would have done that, you would have loved it. we even saw auntie shirley & uncle joe. that was a pleasant surprise. they were visiting mom and dad and randomly came to our place after. we even went to baskin robins afterwards and had mint chocolate chip ice cream on a waffle cone. oh, and we went into best buy to look at stuff while we were at the mall. it helps remember movies/tv shows you liked. i saw first knight, so i bought it. i know you liked that one too. we'll watch it sometime and remember you.

like i was saying eric, i need more days to remember... next year i'm taking the 12th & 13th off and we'll see where it goes from there. so here's my to-do-list for things to do on the days i'm trying to remember you:

- go to st. catharines, visit auntie shirley & uncle joe, go to the pen centre and go to our old house
- go to olive garden
- visit UHS
- go to coledale PS
- eat at the following restaurants
- mrs. vanellis
- king edward's arms
- swiss chalet
- mcdonalds hashbrowns
- double double
- ichiban
- olive garden
- eat the following foods
- cookies from mr. felix & norton
- mint chocolate chip ice cream
- play kitty tennis/tennis
- watch your favourite movies - beauty and the beast, princess bride, a knight's tale
- play with pooh
- play starcraft
- play street fighter
- play secret of mana

i'm sure there's tons more too, but that's all i can think about right now.

we've done a lot today. i'll write about all that in a different entry. but one of the biggest highlights was setting up a memorial garden in our backyard. it'll be the place i go when i want to remember you. i don't have a place like that right now and i need one. ann and i bought a lot of different solar-powered lights to put there. one of them is a pot of daisies. it's really nice. in front of that, i put this "i miss you" stone. that's from the butterfly release that ann and i did. it's really special. around that we put two candle/lantern things, you love candles so that'll work great. beside those, we had single daisy lights. it's a nice area. we'll add more stuff to it later. i want to add some photos if we can find outdoor picture frames...maybe a plastic pooh bear. it needs more colour and it needs more memories. maybe i'll put some of your journal entries. we'll see. it's nice. i'm happy it's there. i love ann so much for being so supportive and letting me put it there. it'll be good. i'm looking forward to spending time there, remembering you.

i guess that it's for now eric. i love you. miss you beyond words could ever express. wish you were here. i long for you to be here.

always and forever,

your brother leo.

Posted by Leo Chan at August 13, 2010 4:28 PM