into the arms of God - a memorial service for eric edward chan

August 14, 2010

we held a memorial service for eric today. my mom suggested the idea to me a few months ago, but i never thought about it and pushed it away since i didn't like the idea of it. didn't feel ready. didn't want to say goodbye to eric. it wasn't up my ally.

my mom persisted and followed up with me time and again. her doctor believed it would be really beneficial for her, thought it would aid in her healing. eventually, i gave up trying to make excuses and gave in.

it was scheduled for today, at 3 pm. held at scarborough grace hospital in the chapel. apparently my parents met the chaplain at a workshop and she suggested that we hold this memorial service. i didn't know her. i thought the whole idea was strange. i was skeptical, cynical even. it was supposed to be for 30 minutes and it was only just the family. what good could come from it? i didn't see a point. what could we really accomplish in such a short amount of time with a person who didn't actually know us? a person i never even met before...?

my mom told us to bring something that we remembered eric by, a song, a poem, an object, anything. i decided to bring pooh of course, eric's favourite stuffed animal. pooh was our connection. we had so many times of playing pretend with our poohs. it was our excuse to bond and hang out with each other. we would never say why we did it, but we did it all the time. i miss those times.

my dad drove us and i fought with the feeling of skepticism during the ride. ann told me to keep an open heart, so i kept praying for that. i prayed that God would open our hearts and allow each of us to feel what we ought to feel, what we needed to feel. i prayed God would keep us open to whatever He had in store... yet all the time thinking, this would be a time for my parents, not me.

i put pooh in a bag because i didn't want him to get dirty, nor did i want people looking at him. i feel protective of pooh. for me, pooh is like eric. it's the closest thing to eric i still have so i am always watching out for pooh.

when we arrived, we met the chaplain. her name was scarlet. immediately, i felt my heart starting to close up, as i analyzed her and the entire setup and situation. it was uncomfortable, foreign, strange. i didn't want to be there. she told us to take out the things we brought. i didn't want her to touch pooh. she put him on this little stool and pooh almost fell off. that made me upset. i felt nervous that pooh would fall off. i couldn't deal with that. i kept a watchful eye over pooh for a while...

she told us to share why we brought what we did. i muttered some words and wanted to get this done with as soon as possible... and then, we started. i quickly glanced at the materials she gave us, especially the agenda. i dismissed it quickly, but i couldn't help but fixate my eyes on a few words.

eric edward chan - march 29, 1980 - august 13, 2003

that hurt. that really hurt. i hated looking at that. i hated that i was there... but i couldn't help but feel, the reality, the truth of it. it was true, wasn't it? i didn't want to accept it, but i didn't have any other choice.

she started going through the service. she read a poem to us. it was about how we felt about 'our child' - great, it really was for my parents, wasn't it? as she spoke the words out loud, i read along and my heart started to feel some of the pain, some of the truth of the words. it expressed how i felt too.

we moved on to corporate reading. and for the most part, i didn't feel a thing. i looked as tears started forming in both my parents... even ann. but i had nothing, until she came to the part where she referred to ann as the sister-in-law. what? sister-in-law...? that's right... ann would have been a sister-in-law. but she wasn't, because eric wasn't here anymore. that killed me inside. i have ALWAYS wanted eric to meet ann. that's one of the things that kills me to this day. because eric was one of the most important people in my life and ann is now the most important person in my life. for the two of them to meet would have meant the world to me. and that is something that can never happen in this lifetime. i started feeling deep pain in my heart. i hated it. why eric? why? how could you do this to us? to me? didn't you know how we'd respond?

scarlet then encouraged us to talk to eric directly. i wanted to, but i couldn't. i felt strange, awkward, afraid. i was conflicted. my mom started to speak. i'm glad she got the ball rolling. when she finished. there was a lot of silence. i wanted to say something, but i couldn't do it... until finally, i muttered eric's name out.

i wanted to talk to him so bad, so i just let whatever was in my heart to come out. i kept saying i hated not having him around. i felt angry. i felt upset with him. i wanted to ask him so many things. i wanted to say many things. tears started streaming down my face. i felt like i needed to wail, but i couldn't bring myself to do it. i realized there really is a lot of strong feelings deep inside me that i have difficulty expressing.

my dad shared too. from that point, i don't really remember what happened or what scarlet said, but all i know is this, it was God led. i realized that i held unforgiveness in my heart towards eric. i never forgave him for what he did. i've been angry with him for seven years without knowing it. i've held bitterness and resentment towards him for seven years. i realized that i had been trying to control dealing with eric's death in my own strength. i wanted answers. i wanted it done my way. i felt sorry for myself. why me? why my brother? and i realized that by doing this, i had sinned against God. because i made it all about me. i refused to accept the reality of eric's death, that he really was gone. and that he now was with God, a much better place for him. i wanted to keep hanging on. i was afraid to let go. i didn't know how.

but somehow, i realized that i needed to finally accept the reality of it all. that eric was no longer with us. that he was indeed with God. and that i would never fully understand everything. that i had to accept eric's decision to take his own life, no matter how much i hated it and disagreed with it. and that by accepting eric's decision, i was loving him too. scarlet talked about how us holding on so tightly was extremely tiring... that's how i felt. extremely tired for doing this for seven long years.

within the span of minutes, all of this revelation came to me and i was stunned.

we proceeded to each light a candle for eric and pray. ann and i went up together. when i prayed, i felt this deep need to ask for God's forgiveness. i felt the need to release eric to God and that was the hardest thing i've ever done. as the tears came, i told God that i will release eric to him and that i don't want to hold on anymore. after i prayed, i felt so much freedom, so much release... i felt healed in a way. i felt like i finally accepted eric's death. and i can't say for certain what happened, but it's as if the peace of Christ finally came to my heart regarding eric's death. it wasn't superficial, it wasn't manufactured...it was real. i was amazed.

ann prayed after me and i was so touched by her prayer. as tears streamed down her face, she prayed for my parents and me. that meant so much to me. i meant so much that she loved and care for us/eric so much. i knew she sympathized and empathized with us all. ann's so great. i love that about her. she's the most amazing person i know. i've never met anyone with such an amazing, giving, loving, caring, kind heart. i was glad we lit the candles together. i was glad we both prayed.

after that, scarlet wrapped everything up... and upon her closing, the most miraculous thing happened. she told us she bought each of us a little gift, something to remember eric by and the memorial service. it was a little, clear teddy bear with a bow tie. now, the incredible thing about it was, my mom brought in the exact same teddy bear, but in a blue colour instead to the memorial service. that was something eric cherished.

i couldn't believe my eyes. of all the things she could have bought, she bought the exact same bear that eric had and cherished and this one was white in colour. at the same time, she was talking about how now eric was with God... for the first time in seven years, i finally realized, eric was with God. he was the old blue teddy bear while he was on the earth. and now, he's with God, and he has been changed and transformed into this white teddy bear.

i don't even know if i'm really articulating what i felt and experienced with that. but it indeed was miraculous. that was such a God-ordained moment. we all sat there, in awe of what happened.

eric is with God. he's in a better place now. and i can finally accept that and move on with my life. does that mean i won't miss him? no, i will always miss him and i will always remember him. but it means that i don't need to feel so possessive, so controlling, so unwilling to face the truth.

before the service, i had planned to bring eric's pooh back home with me. but after everything happened, i was fine with giving pooh back to my mom. it was okay. i didn't need pooh anymore. i felt released. i felt free. i felt peaceful. something in me has changed and i believed God has brought some healing to me today. thank You Lord!

God, you amaze me. thank you for allowing this day to be. thank you for orchestrating all of the details together and allowing me to finally entrust eric to your care. i'm sorry for holding on so long to him. i didn't know how to do it any other way. forgive me for my self-dependence and trying to be in control of everything. lead me to the way everlasting. lead me back to You Lord.

i pray you will continue to bring healing to my heart and you would continue to give me the strength, the courage, to move on. show me Lord what the next steps are. if i am in anyway still holding on to eric, allow me the grace to release Him to you.

thank you for giving me such an amazing, wonderful brother. Lord, if there's any other offensive way in me, whether it be unforgiveness, hatred, anger, bitterness, reveal this to me and make me pure. i want to follow You.

eric, i love you and i miss you. while i will never understand what you did, nor will i ever agree with it, i accept it now. i will accept that this is what you thought was best for you and i release you into the arms of God. you are in a better place now. i don't want to hold onto you anymore. i don't want to resist the truth. God is in control, not me. eric, i realize i'll never have all my questions answered, but that's okay. i can put my hope and my faith in God. love and miss you dearly. i look forward to having more times in our memorial garden, remembering all the wonderful memories we had together. until we meet again in heaven, my dear brother. with all my love, leo.

Posted by Leo Chan at August 14, 2010 10:32 PM