you would have been 31 today

March 29, 2011

hi eric. today would have been your 31st birthday. it's almost been eight years now...

i've been dreading this day for a while now... i think the entire month. this is one of the hardest days in the year for me. i miss you. i miss you so bad it hurts. it really really hurts eric.

i'm sadden by the fact that i can't celebrate your birthday today. instead, i'm mourning your loss.

i had a big cry for you on sunday. i couldn't run anymore from the pain i was feeling inside. i looked at your photo and listened to "for good" and the tears streamed down my face. my heart hurt so bad. i felt like i was being torn in two. people say the pain will lessen as time goes by. i don't buy it. i don't think that's true. i think it always really sucks. i think it's always really hard. i think there's a deep pain in my heart that will never go away because i will never have you here with me again.

i miss you. i wish i could see you here again. i wish i could hear your voice, laugh with you, play with pooh, go for wings, everything you liked to do. i just wish you were here. but that's a reality i can never have in this lifetime.

eric, i feel the only thing i can do to honour your memory, to honour your life is to do everything i can to remember, everything i can to bring you as close back to me as humanly possible. i realize i need more time to do this. with ann's advice, i now take off march 29th & august 13th every year... but i feel like that's not enough. i feel like i need to take off more days from work to be able to properly mourn, to properly remember you.

on sunday, i was reading some of your old livejournal posts and i actually learnt some new things about you that i didn't know! i learnt you liked eating cora's pizza. i learnt you liked a restaurant called urban. i learnt some of your other favourite movies. i found some old surveys that you filled out and ann and i both read them. it made me really happy to learn new things about you. we stayed up late and it was worth it.

yesterday, i met up with loretta, jon & jer for wings at king edward's arms. loretta is back in town for the year and i couldn't think of a more perfect time to remember your birthday than to meet up with her and eat at your favourite wing's place. we ordered 5 lbs of wings, hot, saucy, (1 lb for every one of us), 2 mozzarella sticks and 2 wedge fries with the BBQ sauce only... just the way you liked it.

we shared stories about you. i talked about how i've been feeling. it was nice. it felt good to have someone like loretta there on such an important day because she was so close to you. i feel like having people who you cared about around me made me somehow closer to you. it was fun hearing other people remember things about you. loretta mentioned how she loved how excited and happy you got... you would have this giddy laugh and clap your hands when you got really excited. i remember that. it made me happy to remember that.

loretta and jon both talked about how much they remembered how amazing you were. none of us could or ever will forget your life. you were so special eric. you were so unique.

when ann and i got home, you know what we did? we played secret of mana! yah! i haven't played that since i played it with you and james... it took me back, way back. i started a fresh game and i called the guy leo... it was kind of weird - you were always the guy and his name was always eric. i think i might play it every now and then when i miss you... ann is going to play too - she'll be the girl when i get her. i'm not there yet.

today, ann and i did many things to remember you. i wore your blue shirt and it felt really good to put it on. i felt a warmness as i button it up, like i was surrounded by your presence. that made me smile.

first, we started the day with a morning workout since you worked out so much. we worked out using the total gym & the bowflex. i still have a lot of your exercise gear. it made me happy to work out using the equipment you actually used.

then we met up with jon to eat hashbrowns at mcdonalds. remember how we used to ask mom to buy us each five hashbrowns every saturday morning? i don't know how we did that. i could only eat one.

next, ann and i went to mr. felix & norton to have some cookies. you always liked those. we ate three in your honour. after, we went to futureshop to walk around. i don't know what you did there but i know you went in there to look around.

mom emailed me later and told me some things that i didn't know you liked... for example, you liked studying at tim hortons at leslie & 16th... and that you really liked walking around fairview mall... i didn't know that!

after, we went to the little restaurant at the civic centre. ann and i ate the cajun fries to remember you. i know you liked those. i know you liked the hot dog too, but we were too full. i forget how nice a place it was to eat. so peaceful and beautiful. kind of like vancouver :P

when we finished, we drove to chapters and walked around. i remember you used to pick up books and then went to the starbucks and read the entire book. i wonder what you drank? earl gray tea? coffee?

we headed down to fairview mall after to walk around. i wonder what type of things you liked to look at there. i wonder what type of things you would have bought there.

when we finished, we drove to eglinton town centre to eat mrs. vanelli's! oh how you loved their food. unfortunately they closed down at fairview and markville mall, so we had to go somewhere else for it. but i was really happy to eat it. and guess what? you know your club monaco murse? the zipper was busted and i got it fixed. i'm going to use your murse as my bag when i need one. nothing makes me happier than to use your old stuff.

on the way home, we stopped by baskin robins and had a mint chocolate chip ice cream on a waffle cone in your memory. we also bought mom some daisies... your favourite flower.

when we got home, we popped in princess bride and watched it. i know you LOVED that movie. i know you watched it time and time again. i forgot how good a movie it was! i was happy to watch it again. ann really liked it too!

and that brings me to now... writing this blog. i'm going to visit mom and dad later and we're going to go to ichiban to eat for dinner. i like doing the things you would have liked to do. i ilke eating at your favourite places. it makes me happy.

i don't know what i'll do after. maybe watch some of your old videos. maybe play some secret of mana.

you know eric, even though it's almost been eight years, my love toward you has not diminished at all. i still love you as much as i did when you were alive and as weird as it sounds, maybe even more now... maybe because i'm more aware of it. i don't know. i was thinking this morning, if you were still here and needed a place to stay, ann and i would have given you a room in our house.

i know you and ann would have been like best friends. it makes me sad that that never happened. sometimes i wonder what it would have been like... the four of us together - you and your wife, me and ann. how we would have gotten along, what our lives would have been together. i know we would have been close. i know we would have had the greatest times. how i wish that could have been. i'd give anything for that...

eric, this year, i found myself just really really missing you and feeling really sad that you're not here. i miss you my dear brother. i really do. i love you with all my heart. i wish i told you more. i wish you heard it from me more... and even though you will never hear it from me now, i'll still keep telling you... in my blogs and in my thoughts. i love you eric. your my dear brother and you will always be. i hope, one day, we will be reunited in heaven.

i love you eric.

your brother, always and forever. leo.

Posted by Leo Chan at March 29, 2011 4:56 PM