eight

August 13, 2011

i can't believe eight years has already gone by. it feels like an eternity.

this year has been different than all the prior ones. i found myself feeling less dread as the days approached... whether or not that's a good thing, i have no idea. maybe it's because we held a memorial service last month for eric. these past few days have been difficult. simply put, i feel sad. i feel a deep sense of sadness and sorrow in my heart for eric. i miss him so terribly. i feel further away from him. i feel like he's drifting away from me. i feel like there's more distance.

one side of me wants to remember, do everything i can to keep him close to me... and this year, ann and i have done things we never have before... like driving a volvo. i decided on thursday night that i wanted to drive a volvo again - eric loved our green volvo, we both loved it. we were so attached to that car even though it had a lot of problems - so we did. ann and i went to a volvo dealership and drove a volvo c30. i figured that was a car eric would have liked if he still lived today. and surprisingly, in a short 10 minute test drive, ann and i both realized why we loved volvos so much. they were super comfortable, drove really well, and had great performance. i was toying with the idea of actually buying one so i could always remember eric whenever ann and i drove around. how cool would that be? if not now, at some point in my life, i want to own a volvo.

other 'firsts' - we had some lunchables because eric really liked those, we watched an episode of star trek TNG, watched saturday morning TNBC shows (california dreams), watched first knight, went to civic centre and had a cheese dog + burger and fries. i even played river city ransom (i really don't remember why we liked that game so much, it seems quite primitive in today's today standards, but hey, we were just kids back then)! ann and i are planning to go downtown later and grab a slice of pizza from cora's and the go for an italian sausage from finch station - two other firsts.

another part of me, especially today, just wants to hide and not acknowledge today... not acknowledge the reality that eric is gone. i feel depressed. i feel like i don't want to do anything. i feel tired. i feel down. i feel miserable.

i've been reading more of eric's posts in his live journal and it makes me so sad to think how much pain he dealt with. i never really realized how much hurt eric had experienced in his life. all of his anger, all of his violence, all of his hatred, all of his emotions... they were all from a deep place of hurt. i really wish i could have been there for him when i was younger. i wish i understood the why as opposed to what i saw on the surface. i wish i ran to him instead of running away and feeling afraid of his anger.

it seems to me what eric really wanted was to be loved... to be loved, accepted, cared for, to be understood, to be completely embraced. eric how i wish i could have been that person for you. oh how i wish i could have been that person.

maybe that's why i feel the way i do today. i feel like perhaps for the first time in my life, i actually understand how eric felt and unfortunately it's way too late. sigh.

i haven't really been able to cry much these past few days - no deep pain in my heart causing me to well up with tears and have a 'good cry' - the kind where you feel your body ripping apart from the seams because it hurts so bad and letting all of that emotion out... i wish i could - perhaps the Lord will allow me to feel what's inside later, i don't know. i know it's there. i picture myself yelling and screaming at the top of my lungs because of the pain inside, but it just won't come out. it feels stuck today.

oh eric, if you only knew how much people loved you... at least mom and me. eight years has passed and it really hasn't gotten any easier... actually, i think it's the opposite. i find it gets harder because as more time passes, memories fade... as time passes, you seem further away... as time passes, you miss out on more of the precious life events that i want you to be there for.

more than anything, i wish you were still here. more than anything, i wish i could bring you back, but i can't. and that's what i hate. i don't hate you for doing what you did. i think i actually understand your reasoning for it... but what i do hate, is not having you around. not being able to talk to you. not being able to play with our poohs. not being able to hear your laugh... in a nutshell, i hate not having your beautiful presence with me. you were such an amazing person. such a beautiful person. perhaps i see it even more now than i ever did before. you were so precious eric. you really were. you had a deep ability to love. you were passionate. you were free. you were the kind of person i'd be lifelong friends with.

if only somehow you had saw life differently... but you couldn't. you were too hurt by people to see life as anything but pain and suffering. even if you were alive today, i can't but think that you'd still be suffering... maybe it is better for you not be here with us, but it is not better for us to not have you.

but maybe i'm being selfish? because i'm only focusing on how hard it is for me to not have you, rather than how hard it would have been for you to live another 8 years... i read one of your posts today, about how you described hell. that hell would be reliving your life over and over and over again. i really can't imagine how hard every single day was for you eric. i'm truly sorry that i wasn't mature enough back then to understand. i remember i used to pray that you the Lord would free you of your pain and suffering all the time. i remember i had prayed that prayer for you a lot before you passed away. and if i think about it, you are free now. you are free from the pain and suffering that you experienced.

i don't know eric. i just miss you terribly. that's the real truth of it all. i miss everything about you. i love you so much. i will never stop loving you. because you will always be my brother. you will always be one of the most incredible people in the world to me. you will always be the brother i looked up to. you will always be eric.

i hope that we will be reunited one day in heaven.

with all my love,

leo

Posted by Leo Chan at August 13, 2011 11:34 AM