clothes & the banner of God

June 28, 2002

it's a weird subject heading i know.

i was about to take a shower this morning and i noticed that my mom's dress was hanging off the shower curtain pole thing (sorry, i don't actually know what those are called.. hehe). i couldn't really take a shower with that thing there cuz it'd get all wet and stuff, so i moved it to my parent's bedroom to store it. anyhow, during my like 5 second walk to their room from the bathroom, i noticed how the dress moved in the air as response to what i was doing.

and so i started thinking about clothes. the clothes that we wear shapes itself to the wearer. if no one wears the piece of clothing, it will remain flat, lifeless. but once someone puts on that piece of clothing, it becomes alive, and instantly fits the wearer. in the same way, God has breathed life into our bodies, which would be completely useless and dead without it. and God has shaped us and still is shaping us to the person He wants us to become. and we are alive because He's given us life. our lives are not our own. they're His. so everything we do in life, should honor and glorify Him. why? because it's His life breathed into this once lifeless body. i don't know if i'm explaining it well, but i thought it was really cool how that worked out. :)

about my course selection stuff, i didn't get to talk to cecily today. apparently no one was at the design office the ENTIRE day. weird, huh!? so i guess i'll be taking 5 courses in the winter, two days being at sheridan (that's not going to be very fun with the crazy driving) and i won't get any break either. aiya. i'm really crossing my fingers that i'll get into the wednesday class cuz then it'd make everything work sooooooo much better!

i was watching passion on a hill last night and one of the things louie was talking about, was the banner of God flying. it was such a cool talk. he was sharing about an experience he recently had with flying a kite, and how that kite somehow got stuck to the weather bane of a restaurant and flew all night (it was like a cheezy 2.99 kite too). and he was showing that how the church should remember that. that it's God's banner flying over us. one banner. so it doesn't matter which church gets all the people or whatever, what really matters is that God's banner flies over us. and so to glorify God in all that we are doing, we should see what God's doing and join Him. it's not i'll get this person to my church or anything like that. it's God's working at this place, let's go join and help out kinda thinking. i loved the analogy he used. it wasn't anything super special, but it really drove the point home. just the fact of having more bands of string together. it becomes STRONGER to break. the more, the stronger the string is. and that's how the church should be like. louie brought up a point that kinda struck a chord with me. he was talking about how most of us never pray for other churches. it's basically we pray for our own churches cuz we're so caught up with it. and while that's fine, we need to remember the universitality of God's church! :)

so yeah, the coolest thing today was when i gave tim a call and was asking him about using etcbc for our practise for the august 31st thing. and he told me to give hoang a call cuz their church was really supportive of helping out other ministries even if it's not in their own church. i was kind of skeptical at first. i mean, why would hoang let us use his church for practise when none of our members go to that church? one banner, for God's glory. and to my surprise, he was totally fine with it. apparently they have a cell group there at night, so he said it was fine. how AWESOME is that? :) that's unity man. i was so happy after that. it's just incredible.

i'm not too sure how i'm going to deal with this whole one banner, God's glory thing, but i do think it's going to be on my heart for a WHILE. perhaps i can try to impress this upon others cuz it's a huge thing! :)

things for august 31st are looking up. katie informed me that redeemer won't make us pay to use their sanctuary. so it's just a matter of making sure our times don't conflict with them. :) wahooooooooooo! praise God :)

that's all from me tonight. i won't be posting for the next few days cuz i'm away at the mcbc retreat. we'll see how that goes :) g'nite!

confused yet again :p

June 27, 2002

well, course selection was this morning. i got ALL the courses i wanted, except for intro to psych.. massively in my eye. the section that i wanted (which was wednesday) was more or less full. there's reserved spots, but they're reserved for psych majors. so what i'm supposed to do is wait until mid july and then call back the behavior science building people and inquire then. so basically i don't have any hope of getting into that class. i had to do something, so i took the class on thursday. from 11:30 - 2:30. which ruined my plan. and that was getting thursday/friday off first term and thursday off for second term. and the reason why i wanted that, was so i could go to like CCF or CCC on thursday nights. yeah, i plan to go to a campus fellowship next year. i think i need to. so yeah, having those days off was like pretty integral cuz i could get everything done.

so, perhaps God has something in store for me being there on thursday. i have no idea. and now i'm confused about my courses. my friend told me that students who take 30 credits have get an earlier enrolment date than those who take less credits than that. so that kinda screws me over pretty hardcore. now i'm not sure what to do. i'm going to have to call the design office tomorrow and figure it out because i don't want that happening to me. at the same time, i can't really take 30 credits cuz i have no idea what to take! *sigh* i don't know what's going on anymore. hopefully this'll be resolved tomorrow when i call them up.

anyhow, today was class like normal. but for some reason, it was a little different. like 2 people started talking to me and andrew. it was the weirdest thing ever. we were just kinda sitting on a bench, and this like lady comes out of nowhere and starts talking to us. it was pretty hilarious :P i guess class is so much more interesting when you meet people or whatever u know? of course i know andrew & keith, but yah, u know what i mean.

i finally decided to start reading screwtape letters tonight. why? cuz i was frickin bored out of my mind :P hahah. it's pretty interesting. i'm slow, so i had to like figure out what was going on, so i read the first letter twice :P i guess it's kinda weird thinking that the devil is writing to you as one of his 'spawns' and trying to devise ways to screw up people. but it's pretty interesting. the first letter kinda talks about how arguement & reasoning is bad news for the devil. cuz people start thinking and whatever and that's bad news. so it's best to 'pull the wool' over people's eyes, making them believe that present day is the real life and there's nothing more to it. i think one of the most striking phrases to me is this:

"even if a particular train of thought can be twisted so as to end in our favour, you will find that you have been strengthening in your patient the fatal habit of attending to universal issues and withdrawing his attention from the stream of immediate sense experiences. your businses is to fix his attention on the stream. teach him to call it 'real life' and don't let him ask what he means by 'real'."

it goes back to what i was saying a few days ago about emotions. they suck :) if we let them dictate our day-to-day experience, we are misleading ourselves from the promises of God and our identity in Him. cuz somedays we won't feel like God is loving and all that stuff, but does that ever change? NO. thank heavens no. cuz our God is unchanging and no matter what obstacles comes in our path, that will never change! also, that passage is kinda hitting on the fact that we as humans are drawn to things that give us IMMEDIATE pleasure. why else would our world be so corrupted? people see sex as a good thing, so they do it. people see alcohol as a good thing, so they drink it. no one thinks about the long term effects. what kind of consequences will happen as a result of their actions? it's not important, because what they do then and there is what's important. i need to remember to live in the world, but not be of the world. :)

i think i'm gonna head off early tonight. so that's it! :) g'nite :)

course selection

June 26, 2002

i've been thinking about what courses to take for QUITE some time now.
well, it's 1:07 AM. i can choose my courses at exactly 8:00 AM. so less than 7 hours from now.
do i know what i'm doing? not really... i've been fiddling with getting the 'perfect' schedule for so long now, and i've pretty much decided to go w/ 27 credits instead of 30. why you ask? cuz i can't do anything else. it's just the way it is for me this year. so i'm hoping i get into all the courses i have planned. i'm worried. why? i have no idea, but i need to trust God for this. He's got it all figured out :)

something i thought was neat about my course selection though, was that a friend of mine has this like 'master' list of which teachers are awesome for certain courses. and when i checked it up with the courses i had decided upon for my man's schedule, it's like i have all the great teachers (assuming i get in of course). so that's cool :) maybe God's been directing me w/ all this course selection madness!

men's group was cool tonight. joseph came back! it was nice to see him again and everything, just like the good ol' days. it seems so long ago. anyway, we had an interesting chat about 1 kings 19 i thought. we discussed some good points and i guess one of the main themes was: just giving God the best years of our lives cuz eventually our ministry time on earth runs out like elijah. and that we just need to remain faithful to Him and use all the gifts that He's given us for His glory. i've been realizing more and more that i want to know God SOOOO much more. so i need to get off my butt, and do some more reading aside from my daily devos :)

we went to milestone afterwards. we had the MAN's waiter! he was so hilarious. like the best waiter ever. and he even gave us like FREE nacho chips. it was sooooo huge.. the funniest thing was that he sat down for a bit cuz jer ordered some coffee thing and the guy recommended one so jer went for it and he wanted to know if jer liked it. is that hilarious or what? the waiter's name was BLAKE . he seriously is the man. wow! and the food was like so good. i've been to milestone before, but like, never like this! it was super :)

anyhow, i best be getting off and going to sleep. it's course selection time in less than 7 hours. oh my. trust. i need more trust :P

g'nite!

God's promises & 24/7

June 24, 2002

dr. dennis had an interesting quote today: "when we learn to live in God's promises, we can survive any crisis, challenge or change" it's from some guy, but i don't remember who that person was. regardless, it's a very true statement. i was kinda thinking about what God's promises are during the past week, but not too much. cuz i know there's a lot of them, but i don't know them. and i think it's important for us to know them in our hearts. because whenever anything happens in our lives, we know the promises of God in our hearts. wouldn't that just change everything? i think so.

so maybe what i need to do this week, is kinda do my own Bible study on the promises of God :) that would be pretty cool.

we had a 24/7 practise tonight. it went somewhat late but it was my bad cuz i picked up sharon real late and all this stuff. aiya. i really have to be on time next week! we've got a good group of people for the worship team. i don't really know any of them "really well" except for sharon. it's more or less, your normal "hey, how's it going?" kind of conversations. hopefully that'll get deeper with time. cuz i honestly don't really know any of them very well and i'd like to. *shrugs* but this group is quite unique from our rebel worship guys. i can't really explain it, but it's different. and sometimes, for some reason, i compare the two groups. i have no idea why. maybe one of the things that is different is that we're all like from different places and don't know everyone all that well or something? or maybe it's cuz jon & ben are like the central leaders and they're like totally always thinking about the event and what have you. i think that's really cool.

to be honest, i don't have that same kind of 'drive' for the event we're planning to do. like i'm not like eating, sleeping, breathing "sufficient". it's on my mind, sure, but maybe it's just kind of a different thing here? *shrugs*

an aside, i've been thinking some more about worshipping God in everything that i do. man, is it ever hard to constantly be thinking about God all the time. but i want to. like the whole driving thing, sometimes i remember, sometimes i don't. worship is a call to the entirety of us, not just some on this day or some on that day. all of us for all of Him. that's what it all boils down to. man, i really want to just go after God this summer. know Him more through reading the OT and maybe some BOOKS. *gasp* yes i dare say books. i have tons. i should start reading em :)

anyhow, i'm sleepy. so that's that for tonight! g'nite :P

i'm tired

June 23, 2002

kinda in a weird mood today. i want to just get away from everything and everyone for a while. just me with God. but as much as i desire that, it's not possible. i have so many committments with this and that, there's no way i can pull away all of a sudden, as much as i want to. maybe the retreat this weekend will give me some space just to be with God. i really need it.

i have to lead worship tomorrow at redeemer. i guess i'm doing it as a favor to katie, cuz she needs a break which is totally understandable. i'm really not in the spirit to do it and i really don't feel like i should be doing it. but i told them i would, so i have no choice. God, i really don't know what i'm doing. but i hope it's pleasing to You. i can't say that i put my best effort into planning the set cuz i haven't had time to think about it, pray about it. *sigh* but whatever. that's basically all i can do, the rest is up to You.

the more i think about stuff, the more i realize i'm just sick of living the way i live my life. the day in, the day out. i guess i'm suffering the symptoms of a religious person. i do my devotions, i serve in the church, i listen to great sermons (7:22), and that's it. i go about my day-to-day. don't get me wrong, i try to think about God in all aspects of my life. and sure i try to obey Him whenever i feel like He's telling me to do something. but there has to be more than this. there HAS to be. like come on, the days of the NT - the disciples, they were like casting out spirits and doing all this funky stuff. why can't i do that? (not to say i'd do exactly the same, but you get the idea).

maybe a strong desire in my heart is to know God soooo much more? i definitely think so. i just need more time, or less things to do. it feels like i'm going every which way without any real sense of direction. so what does it all come down to? knowing Jesus. and letting that affect me completely. who knows. maybe tomorrow will be different. i hate having emotions. it gets me all screwed up. that's why it's so awesome that God is ALWAYS the same. even if circumstances dictate us to FEEL otherwise, it doesn't change a darn thing. He'll always be faithful. He'll always be loving. He'll always be God. my God.

reflecting on youth on a hill

June 22, 2002

it was raining pretty hardcore for the duration of the day.

i wondered what the youth on a hill ppl were thinking when they saw all of the rain.
to be honest, i was praying that they wouldn't be discouraged and whatever, cuz it was a big damper on their plans and i knew it could be discouraging. but i knew that God will make it all better. it really isn't that hard for Him, i mean really, He did create EVERYTHING, so to make rain stop is as easy as snapping His fingers. it's just a matter of that's His perogative or not. and i knew He would stop it. though i must admit, it was rainy pretty much up and until 6:45 pm (we went a little earlier to scope the grounds, get some food and we got completely drenched! like even the clothes under my jacket and tear-offs were soaked.. pretty jokes :P)

there were basically only two reasons why i went tonight:
a) to hear the vision from jesse & kathleen (and not all this hearsay stuff)
b) to hear the grade 12 dude speak

i've heard a lot about youth on a hill and their vision and all that stuff from all other sources BUT kathleen and jesse. but they didn't really go too deep into what they were planning to do and the vision and stuff. it was really vague. not too pointed. i was kinda disappointed, i thought there was more to it. i'm sure there is, but they didn't give the greatest explanation that one might hope for. or at least what i was expecting. whatever. not a big deal.

the other things in their schedule were fine, i suppose, but didn't captivate me too much. why? i'm getting way too old for these things. not to say that i'm getting to old for God, cuz that's not it at all. but just too old for things targeted towards youth. yeah, i'm not a youth. i'm like an adult, or a semi-adult (whatever - it's just a mere term - nothnig more), or something. jer and i were trying to tell sharon the difference between us being there and the average person. it was kinda hard to explain, but honestly. university really changes your perception on things, and it changes really fast. at least it did for me. it's not like i look at high schoolers and the youngins as 'lower' than me, but i do them as high schoolers. and that's not to generalize them or limit them in anyway, but there's a significant difference between them and uni students and the older crowd. we think different. we act different. we know things differently. and that's because of time: with time, comes experience, and with experience comes wisdom.

eventually, matt wan, the grade 12 dude came out to speak. now i was kinda iffy on the whole thing. why would you get a grade 12 person to speak and NOT a pastor? it doesn't make sense. it still doesn't make sense to me even now. i don't know why! perhaps it was cuz he was a young person and for a young person to do such an incredible task is quite amazing. it truly was. this guy is one truly gifted person . he's got some amazing preaching abilities given to him obviously by God. good preacher, not a great teacher is what jer said. i agree. i don't really know what his main points were cuz he was all over the place. but aside from that, i think that God delivered an inspiring message to the youth of the GTA through him. it's pretty incredible to think that a person so very young can do such an amazing thing. but then, who am i to say that. i mean, God did use david against goliath. and david was quite the young guy. whatever God calls you to do, He will equip you to do His good work, no matter how old/young, how much you know/don't know - it doesn't matter. He'll equip you with everything you need to do the task. as long as you are willing, it's all good.

so i've kinda been having a hard time wrapping around my heart around the fact that the guy was only in grade 12 and already preaching and what have you. not that there's anything wrong with it. it's hard to explain. it's just that i worry that him doing what he did will set a precedent for young people to start 'preaching' at young ages without going to seminary and all that stuff. sure you don't have to go there to be a preacher or whatever, but there is a reason why they exist. there's a reason why this structure exists. perhaps it was human-made, but i don't think so. it makes sense for people to go to seminary if you're gonna be a minister. it really does!

however, though i may seem critical and whatever, i'm not. i think it was amazing. and it's awesome to see God use someone so young in such a large magnitude. he seemed to know a lot of Scripture and stuff. i don't know jack squat. maybe i should get a picture Bible or something. :) pictures help me read. hehe. yeah, i'm still a kid at heart, i can't help it. but i wish i could know the Bible more. why wish. i need to be pro-active. i guess i need to devote more time into reading the Bible aside from the chapter a day thing for devos.

when things were all said and done and all the youths were just making a joyful noise to God, i just looked up to the skies. man, i love how despite the fact that were so very puny and miniscule on this earth, God still knows us and we can still worship Him. i was staring at the moon and thinking. here we are on earth, and i'm looking at the moon. earth's just one little planet in the solar system which is located in the milky way galaxy. the milky way galaxy is only one among the millions of other galaxies in the universe. and the universe, well God made that - so He's that huge. but somehow, He knows us. He knows the very number of hairs on our heads, every single thought we think, every word that we say, every emotion that we feel . He knows all of that and He's soooooooooo huge. it's just awesome. i love that. the duality of God. the bigness, the powerfulness of Him and the intimacy of Him. this is probably going to be like on my mind forever. i love this truth. i really do.

i was watching the youth just worshipping God with all that they had. becoming undignified for the Lord, not caring what they were doing or how they were sounding, but just worshipping Him with everything they had. it's such a beautiful picture. that's what's heaven will look like. we'll just be there worshipping Him all day long, every day, for all of eternity. awesome. :)

well it's 3:34 am. it's SOMEWHAT late :P lol. i should sleep. need to plan worship stuff and help daddy move tomorrow.

God my prayer is that You would raise up this generation of young people to follow soley after You. that they would deny themselves and anything the world offers them each and every single day for the rest of their lives. let knowing You be what motivates them in their day-to-day and let them fall in love with You deeper and deeper every day. for Your Name's sake. amen.

children...

June 21, 2002

didn't do TOO much today. helped moved some stuff for my dad at his office but it was kinda pointless. oh well. i complain too much. this is like an habitual thing that i do. doesn't seem like i'm 'fully' satisfied in God. very far from it. i mean, i need to come to a place where i'm like not complaining so much as a result of realizing God's abundance of grace, love and provision for me.

i had drawing class since it's thursday. i was actually really impressed with something i drew today. cuz after i looked at it, i was like: 'huh? i did that?" i would have never known i could do anything like that. i guess i'im getting a little better, but still need TONS of practise. i still don't have a steady hand yet, takes time. i was walking home today from drawing class and i was just enjoying watching some kids play with each other. they have such wild imaginations, it's so great. i love kids. they're such beautiful beings. so innocent, so imaginative, so carefree. i wish i was a kid again. how i wish. they've got so much to teach me.

i went to gizelle's house today to watch a movie w/ velsie & justin. haven't hung out/seen gizelle in FOREVER! it was nice. we watched a movie called "i am sam". i actually never heard of it before, i like live in a box or something. lol. but wow! great movie. i didn't really expect too much when i heard what it was about, but thought what the heck, why not watch it? it's not like your typical movie. i mean, their central character was a 'retarded' person (i dont' think that's politically correct and i don't even like saying that to 'classify' those people) - so it was very different. but yeah, it was about the main character, sam and his daughter, lucy and their struggle of him being the 'right' father for her. to be honest, the movie kinda gave me some insight into people with that disability (of course not much, but a small small glimpse) and the persecution they face. why? just because they're different. why is that we as a people put others down when they are not the 'norm'. simply because they aren't what we are used to? it's so bad. i used to do it myself. make fun of people. why? to gain social acceptance? it's horrible. if i ever do that in the future, i should be slapped around or something. God makes each of us unique and different. but no matter what, or what we've done, we're still His children and created in His image. each and everyone of us. it's just a matter of seeing it in people and not seeing them for face value or giving up on them when we've dug a little bit, but not enough.

man, when i look at myself, i see all these areas in my life that need reshaping. sometimes i wish God would just change me with the snap of His fingers or something. if only it were so easy. i have all these shortcomings that hopefully will be replaced with good traits. but i mean, we can only be reshaped when we REMAIN in the potter's hands. not when we leave it or move away from it. when we REMAIN. it makes sense. :)

it'll be a short entry tonight. g'nite :)

more reflection :)

June 20, 2002

i heard a really interesting thing from passion on a hill today. "God is most glorified in us when we are most satisfied in Him" (john piper). what an accurate statement. that's such an interesting thought. it kinda parallels what jer was saying with being content with where we are at right now. maybe that's the thought for the week. or maybe not the week, for life. being satisfied in God in everything. all aspects of life. i guess relationally is the biggest thing. i need to completely know, mind, heart and soul that God is all i need. and that's kinda like the 'pre-requisite' for lack of a better term for me finding a wife. i can't be looking to others for acceptance or love. it's God first and He's all i need and i don't need anything else kinda thought that needs to be the sole thing that drives me. so yeah, that's my prayer. that i come to a place where i am most satisfied in God. now that i'm talking about this, it reminds me a verse i recently read in proverbs (i think chapter 30, could have been 29 though). basically he was asking God to just give him what he needs (financially). not too much that he would forget about God, but not so little that he'd have to steal. i think that echoes what i think too. if i had too much money, i'd probably be stupid and like buy all this stuff and forget. and if i was having problems with money, that'd probably all i'd be worried about.

anyway, something totally unrelated: we had class presentations today. there were three groups that discussed different aspects of the universe and what have you. what intrigued me about the presentations (actually it was only the first one), were the people presenting. two of the group members were so excited and passionate about everything they said. you can tell, the way the presented themselves, the way they delivered the information. it was incredible. i would not have that same kind of passion talking about this space stuff, maybe it's cuz it's not my passion in life. but yeah, i guess it's like there will always be something that people will be interested in even if you aren't. and it's important to respect those differences. not much of a super revelation, but a nice reminder.

after class, it was time to go over to lydia's house for the prayer meeting for the retreat. i didn't really wanna go. i have no idea why. but anyhow, it was kinda nice just being there and 'hearing' people pray and talk and all that. yeah, it's kinda wrong to listen to the way people pray, but i mean it was cool. some of them were just so honest about everything with God and just kinda telling Him everything on their hearts/mind, like a child would to a father. it was just so beautiful. and colin, he was so excited about reading Scriptures and stuff and sharing with us. i think i 'lack' that in my walk with God. the whole like being excited for things. maybe there's nothing wrong with that because being excited is only a temporary feeling, but you know what i mean. the joy, the excitement of knowing Christ. that should be like a constant thing, i believe. i mean come on, we get to know the CREATOR of the entire universe! isn't that HUGE? :) i kinda wish i was like that, you know. the awe, the wonderment of a kid. :)

anyhow, it's late. time for leo to sleep! i have to help my dad move out stuff from his office. :) g'nite!

my daily rambling

June 19, 2002

we had men's group tonight.

i had to plan the Bible study. haven't done that in a really long time. i had no idea what i was doing. i used to write them when i was a devotional leader, but i guess it's different now. how do you write one that is 'deep' or encourages new thoughts on pre-existing topics? as i was writing it, i was thinking that it was basically things we already knew or have talked about before. but i guess having affirmation for certain topics is good if it's the 'right' point in your life? *shrugs* it's kind of like being a preacher i guess. how do you write material that challenges people, etc.? jer brought up an interesting point that he's read from a book called "travelling light" by max lucado. just touching on being content on where we are at RIGHT now as opposed to always wanting to be doing this or that. and i think that especially applies for both of us. since we don't have jobs we have nothing to do and we're not content with that. but i mean that allows us to do so many things.

jon and jer also have gotten fed up with my church thing. lol. so i think i'll be taking a break from markham. i don't want to leave, but i want to get away for a while. check out somewhere else. maybe a caucassian church. some place where i'm completely unknown. i was thinking of ETCBC, but then i know people there, so that might not be so good. i just wanna be at a place where i can learn and whatever. see how that works out. so i'll be looking for a church come september. i think i'll take a break for 4 months first (that's what jer suggested), seems like a decent amount of time. we'll see what happens from there!

as for the august 31st thing, i got to contact the people organizing it and see what they were all about. i think our group is pulling in a slightly different direction so i think we're gonna keep the evenings separate from one another. i'll talk about it with the team on saturday though. i tried contacting anson. he's still hiding from me! hopefully i can get in contact with him soon about this thing, so he can JOIN us! :) that'd be awesome.

i started watching some of the messages from passion on a hill. it's about the glory of God. an interesting series. i'm going to have to just SIT and do nothing else but listen to those sermons one of these days. i've already 'heard' two of them and it's pretty good. it's kind of like worshipping God in everything that we do but a little bit of twist on it. i look forward to hearing all of them!

anyhow, i gotta wake up somewhat early tomorrow morning. gonna play tennis! wahoo :) g'nite :)

mixed thoughts

June 18, 2002

seems like it's been a while since i last wrote something.

it has been. not too much has been happening recently but i think i've thought through some things and come to a few realizations.

one of the major reasons why i'm thinking of leaving markham is because of the lack of friendships i have there. i don't really feel like i have ownership there and at the same time, i do. but i struggle so much there just because i'm like the only first year student. sure most of the 1st years are back now, but it's a completely different eposide when they're all away. and at least this year, my old friends were still around (even if i didn't talk with the much, they were still there). next year, everyone's gone. EVERYONE.

so, that kind of leaves me in a rock in a hard place. do i stay at markham, or do i leave? this isn't the only reason of course why i want to take a break. there's no substance on sundays. *sigh* i dunno. i figure i should be learning stuff, i mean it IS God's Word. maybe i'm just not looking for it/expecting it. maybe that's my problem

i've also realized that i desire some good fellowship with other believers. i have men's group, but that's different. maybe i'll check out UT CCF? jon's been loving it there. i'd have to move around my drawing classes but that's not a big deal. could always move it to like tuesday or sometihng. *shrugs* but yeah, i wanna meet some new people.

this is all so random. i've been trying to worship God with my driving. seems weird, but yeah. i'm learned that i'm a pretty impatient driver. i hate waiting. i hate lines. i hate rush hour. i hate driving. i just want to get from point A to point B in the shortest amount of time possible and get back home asap. so instead of being a nice and passive driver, i'm an aggressive driver. don't get me wrong, it's not like i speed like a maniac or pull stupid moves. but if i see an empty lane at a traffic light, i'll be sure to get my car there. if i see a shorter car line at a traffic light, i'll move there. if i'm being a slow car, i'll pass them. and so i started thinking about it. just because of my selfishness, i could be blocking other cars or stopping them to get places. how? it's simple. if i saw an empty right lane, i'd move my car there. that would stop people from turning right until i move my car (which would be at the green). see how that works? i can't say that it's an easy task to do, because it isn't. i find myself always rushing here and there. but i want to stop fixing my eyes on myself and onto others and of course, God.

i'm tired. so this is all for tonight :P g'nite!

stuff :)

June 13, 2002

nothing majorly eventful has happened in the past two days.

i've basically been trying to study for my midterm that took place today. it wasn't too bad. not bad at all. i think i did somewhat decent, but if i got an A, that'd be super! it's not that big of a deal though. as long as i get my C+ or better, i'm a happy guy.

one thing i've been thinking about recently. my school friends. my relationship with them is still pretty surfacey, i mean we can hang out and stuff, but it's not really all too deep. i guess that will come with time. hopefully. hopefully they'll get to know Christ later on in life, whenever that is. *shrugs*

lots of things are running around my mind, so many things to do and what have you. maybe my summer is meant for ministry purposes? it seems like i'm involved with everything i could possibly be involved with: within markham and outside of it. there's so many things: koinonia, worship team, august 31st, august 10th, and shock magazine. i think that's enough still to keep me busy for a while. i still don't know though. maybe i'm to get a part time job? God knows. that's all that matters. i just need to LISTEN.

that's one thing i find i lack. listening to God. like physically listening to God. i need to learn how to do that. i need to really learn this whole prayer thing. how it's communion with God. i'll watch the 7:22 series later on it and pay super close attention to it this time :)

it's a short entry from me tonight. i have to do a lot of stuff tomorrow, so i guess i should get an early start. nite :)

a few interesting things..

June 11, 2002

it's 1:21 am. i really should be in bed.

it was an interesting day today, lots of stuff happened.

i woke up this morning, and went over to tim's house. we had a good chat. he's helped me clear up some issues or at least set me on the right track to clear up some things i've been thinking about.

first of all, the august 31st thing, i need to get in contact with AFC to see what they're doing for that frosh connections thing. see if we can like work with them to do a thing perhaps.

secondly, being a chinese Christian, and how that works. i've kind of forgotten about the whole thing since campus challenge or at least it's not bothering me as much as before. but i've been still thinking about it. as tim put it, it basically comes down to this: does your heart have a burden for the asian Christian community or not? i'm not really sure at this point. i haven't thought about it much. but yeah, he said an interesting thing. the fact that i understand there is a divide between the asian church and the caucassian church (and others) makes me a good missionary (hahaha) because i understand that there is cultural differences. never really thought about that in that way. but yeah, i'm not really sure. i love the fact that God's church is multi-cultural and diverse. i think i always will. i'm not sure if i need to be part of that or not at this point in time. *shrugs*

third, the whole idea of staying at markham or not come september. like i said before, half of me wants to stay and half of me just wants to get out for a while and just take a break. i know one thing for sure: there's no way i'm going to like completely leave the church. i just want a break. but tim suggested something interesting. instead of going to church and expecting to learn/grow or whatever, go there thinking/reflecting about the past week and praising God for it on sunday as a summation of the week and whatever that has happened in the week. that way i'm less focused on the church (although it's still important for there to be focus on church). that could work. i need to try and do that. :) i also think i should go back to sunday school. maybe i'll get to know the older uni ppls (like in caleb) or something and see how i'm feeling in september. cuz yeah, next year is gonna be like completely different. everyone's gone. it's gonna be so weird/hard for me i think. so yeah, if i get to know the caleb ppl, maybe it wouldn't be that bad? i'm still confused though about the whole situation. i know God will let me know sometime :)

anyhow, after that, i had to go get my cell phone fixed cuz it was super messed up. it would like turn on when it felt like it and everything. i thought it'd be a quick deal cuz i wanted to get home and study for my mid-term. BUT, it ended up taking like an hour and a half! crazy, huh? i was like getting upset because it was taking so long. like honestly now, how hard is it to switch a cell phone? you basically just like change the esn number and that's about it. but i was thinking, what was my problem. at least i have a cell phone to get switched. i complain too much. even if i'm trying not to verbally say it, i still complain too much in my head. i need to learn how to be more thankful.

then i went to pick up some business cards for my mom at the printing house that had a potential job for me. it was basically my last hope for a design job. and yeah, i'm not gonna get it. she wanted a person who can read/write chinese. that's so not me. she did get my info though, but that's not a big deal. it's not like she'll call back. *sigh* so now it's back to square one. i stil lhave nothing. iwhat the heck am i supposed to do this summer? i have no clue. maybe it's not a job.

when i got back home, i decided to grab a slice of pizza from pizza pizza. as i was sitting there, i watched a young boy hold his father's hand as they were walking by. what a beautiful picture. if only it were so easy to hold the hand of our Heavenly Father and just trust that He would bring us to wherever we needed to go. no questions, no fears, no anxieties, just trust. trust that our Father knows what's best. a child holds their parents hands because a) they trust & love them and b) they don't know where they are going and need guidance. it's like, if we could just hold the hand of our Heavenly Father for everything in life. it'd be so awesome cuz we'd be right in the will of the Father as He guides us to the places He wants us to go and do what He wants us to do. i'd like to be able to be like that. a child holding his father's hand.

school was okay, didn't fall asleep again cuz it was a lab :) keith and i went back to andrew's place after school and made dinner and stuff and hung out a bit. the funniest thing was, was while we were cooking dinner, andrew forgot to turn off his tap in the bathroom so eventually, the water flooded so his bathroom was drenched and a lot of carpet in his room was all wet. hahaha. so keith and i stayed to help soak up the water with towels and his clothes! lol :P but it was cool. we both gave up studying for the night to help him out. it's all good, we all still have tomorrow to study. i hope that we can absorb all the information in that short period of time :) but yeah, i think our friendships are growing and stuff. it's cool! :) i hope that he sees the light of Christ in me and keith. the life that leads to why.

anyhow, that's about it for now :) i'm tired. it's time to sleep. g'nite :)

thought for the day

June 10, 2002

i'd write more tonight, but i'm pretty tired :)

so here's a thought that crossed my mind this morning while i was sitting in service. i have no idea where it came from or why i was thinking about it. but i thought about it. i was thinking about the conversations i have with people and the questions i normally ask people:

- how's it going?
- how's school?
- how's your spiritual life?

those kinda questions. so i started to think about it some more. why is it that i have to ask people about their spiirtual life, and school, and this, and that. shouldn't it be interlinked with everything? our relationship with God, is not a separate life from the rest of what we do in our everyday life, rather our relationship with God helps direct what we do in our everyday life, because to follow Jesus, requires us to act in a certain way, etc. or at least it should.

it would seem that the answer to my question is simple, and to be honest it is. i already know what the answer is.

i just think i'd be such a wonderful thing that when we talked with other believers, we wouldn't need to ask such 'pointed' or 'directed' questions that would seem to segregate our Christian life with our normal life, but instead, a simple, "how's it going" could result in an answer like "wow, God's doing amazing things in my life. i've been learning so much in my quiet time with Him" or something to that. wouldn't that be awesome? :)

just a thought.

i'll probably write some more about what happened today tomorrow. but for now, i must sleep. i gotta have a chat w/ tim tomorrow morning :)

g'nite! :)

meetings, meetings :)

June 9, 2002

meetings, meetings, and more meetings! :)

lol, i don't think i've ever had so many places to go to in one day before.

9:00 - sound (a/v) meeting
9:30 - worship practise
12:30 - picking next year's cabinet meeting
1:00 - 24/7 meeting
7:00 - pneumatos meeting
8:00 - rebel worship meeting

6 in one day! of course i couldn't go to all of that, cuz then i'd be a super hero or something. i was present at four of them more or less, so here's what happened.

sound (a/v) meeting - i'm glad that silas was super pro-active with this. if he had not written his proposal thing, nothing would have happened and we'd still have the same gripes on the issues. but now, we know what's going on from both sides. and although some issues remain unresolved, that's okay. cuz now we are communicating with one another. there's so many problems when there's no communication. hmmmmmmmm. let that be a lesson to us! i'm hoping that these changes will all be put into effect soon! it'll be awesome having the small mixer not being used and what have you. finally, things are changing!!! :) yeah baby.

worship practise went okay. seemed kind of empty, though we were missing like half the team. man, i haven't lead worship in so long. i don't know what i'm doing anymore. haven't even really prayed over the set too much yet. *sigh* well, i'm praying that God's name would be glorified and magnified in service tomorrow despite my unworthiness. hopefully tomorrow's practise is better :) let's hope everyone is there. lol.

after that, i drove lydia home. i was gonna go home and start catching up on some reading (for summer school) but she wanted to catch up. how can i refuse that? haven't talked to her in like ages. it's been so long. too long. we had a good chat, just like old times. we should really talk on a more consistent basis. always so much to talk about, especially church stuff. which confuses me some more. what to do about markham? what to do. one part of me just wants to get away for a bit. take a break. cuz i think i need it? (maybe i don't know what i need, i probably don't) it's just. i dunno. i'm not learning. and like, what's it going to be like again next year. no one my age. everyone's gonna be gone, like this time it's for real. EVERYONE's gone. *shrugs* anyhow, the other part of me is stay. so much work to be done at markham. but is that a good enough reason? jer left. i don't want to leave. i just want to calm down for a while. just take it easy somewhere and learn and grow and be nurtured. is that really so wrong?

so i get back home, grab lunch, then it's off for the next meeting.

24/7 - interesting group of people, of course i know half of them. but the other people i don't really know. i wonder what i'm supposed to do there, i mean justin is the man already, so i can't do that much! or maybe i could? who knows. i'll still go for the time being, seeing if i could be useful somehow. lol. it was kinda nice hearing like views from NEW people. maybe i miss meeting other Christians and seeing how God is impacting their life. i seem to not meet anyone new anymore. maybe that's the reason i should go to campus fellowship. meet other believers? i thought it was kind of pointless before, but i'm seeing the reason now. we'll see what happens next week. :) it's been a while where i've been with such a talented group of musicians, in a way it reminds me of past TC worship teams. lol. same kind of atmosphere.

so now it's about 5 or so. i get home. time to do some textbook reading. i'm trying to commit everything i do for the glory of God, that includes my school work. i've never been able to read textbook stuff cuz i'd just fall asleep. not today though. stay awake, and read through a good chunk of material. :) that was great! :) and soon enoug, it was time for the rebel worship time! :)

rebel worship - we all got to my place. it was interesting. for some reason, it always seems to be awkward having meetings with these guys. why? they're my peers, we just hang out and stuff and joke around all the time. so it was kinda awkward waiting for people to show up and stuff. i have no idea why. we're all like pretty good friends and stuff. it really makes no sense. anyhow, maybe i should have prepared the meeting a little more or something, i had an outline in my head. maybe that's why jer always tells me to make proposals and do this and that. it makes sense, i'm just lazy. bad me. well, aside from things going off track here or there, we got a lot of things settled tonight, so that was awesome! justin came out with like the man's idea for the theme. we all contributed ideas and points and stuff that really stirred up discussion and ideas and what have you. it was awesome. i'm so excited for august 31st. i think it's gonna be a great time of worship/prayer/reflection. if we could just get anson aboard, that'd be great. :) maybe the team should hang out sometime? just to develop more friendships and stuff. i mean, i guess we're all not that close, and perhaps we should be quite close? i dunno.

well, it's 12:30 am now. tomorrow is church. well today is church. i have to get up early so i'll be there on time :) haha. after i gave andy so much flack for being on time, i guess i should be on time :)

kinda worried about my midterm exam. i'll leave that with God and just study and stuff tomorrow. g'nite!

the mystery of God

June 8, 2002

knowcean didn't call me back today.
that means, i'm still unemployed. i wonder what happened?
another shimmer of hope gone.

i kinda wonder what God is doing.
am i supposed to get a job this summer? what does He have in store for me? cuz there's like all these opportunities that seem to work, but something always happens and it doesn't. i have faith that i'll be doing what He wants me to do, but it's so hard sometimes to trust. i lack faith, i admit it. i used to think that i had pretty good faith, but i was totally off base there. it's just hard, you know? i mean i KNOW God has a plan for me, but maybe i'm just impatient. as time progresses, i'm like, what's going on here. because the summer has been going on for me for like 2 months. i'm still unemployed.

maybe it's cuz i can't handle all the stuff i have now, or least i don't think i can.

oh well! so an interesting thing happened at fellowship tonight. haven't been there in a while mind you, so it's kinda nice to be back :)
it was Bible study night, and two of the cell groups merged. God really moved in the discussion we had tonight. one of the guys like basically opened up to us about his whole life story (what's been going on, what he's struggling with) and all the people were trying to give advice to him and stuff. it was amazing. they didn't even really know who he was, and there he was opening up with us, and there we were trying to help him out. God's so cool like that. He can unite people from all different backgrounds and stuff just like that.
two things i learned: one of the young girls has super potential. the amount of stuff she knows is amazing :) i'm so impressed with her. and secondly, i need to try and be pro-active with ths guy. at least i think that's what i feel God is calling me to do. he's in need of some good Christian friends, and perhaps an 'older brother'. that could be me, i have no clue. all i know is that he needs is for God to do some mad intervening and re-ordering in his life. and i pray that he will know that God is always watching over him and that he knows that loves Him soooooooo very much. all i know is that he opened up to us, and now it's time that we did something for him. maybe that's just checking up on him, holding him accountable. or to stretch ourselves and love him. love often involves sacrifice. love does involve sacrifice. look what Jesus had to do.

the ultimate sacrifice. once and for all.

an aside: tomorrow's our meeting on the sound system at church. i wonder what will happen there? hopefully we can discuss in a mature and calm fashion, the issues at hand :) and that no one will get upset or anything over that. we're all on the same side! keeping that in my prayers. :)

it's kinda late, i'm supposed to talk with tim but i'm sleepy. hmmm. what to do. :) i have to be at church at 9, which means i should wake up at 8. it's 12:30 now, so that's 7.5 hours of sleep. *shrugs* :) oh well! that's it for now :)

the beauty of brokeness...

June 6, 2002

haven't written in a long time... maybe i should, cuz it's important to keep track of what's going on in my life and cuz journalling is important.

lots of things have been going on with me lately, and i guess i spilled out everything during men's group. stress, tons of stress has been building up on me over the past little while without me even knowing it. now how does that happen. well it's the summer time, so it's supposed to be the time of relaxation and what have you. and part of me belives that. another part of me realizes that i've got so many committments that i can't relax as much as i'd like to (yet i still do it anyway). and so things pile up on me, slowly but surely. the way i think of all the things i have to do right now, is basically a check list. once something is finished, check that off, move on to the next.
is life really supposed to be like that? i hardly think so. there's gotta be more to be a Christ-follower than the simple mundane life. i refuse to accept that the circumstance i'm in now is it. i'm IN CHRIST. that's a huge thing, but i don't get it, and i don't know how to get it. not yet anyway.

well, i've realized that i've been taking things on my own strength, relying on myself to do all those projects and everything. and that is problematic. very problematic. why? well, it's like this: "i am the vine, you are the branches, if a man remains in me and i him, he will bear much fruit. apart from me you can do nothing" (john 15:5 [niv]). and sure it's talking about doing things for Kingdom purposes, that we can't accomplish anything on our own merit for the Kingdom of God without Him. but i tend to think it applies to me in ALL areas of my life, especially school (which as an extension is my graphic design work). so here i am trying to accomplish all these things on my own strength. and considering my health lately, that doesn't last for very long. i'm at the end of my rope. my flame is all snuffed out. what i need is a refreshing from God, a renewal of my mind, heart & spirit.

and then today rolled around. i've been struggling w/ summer school because i always fall alseep during class. so today, after we talked yesterday, i decided that as my worship to God, i'd try my best to stay awake (sounds simple doesn't it, but if you sat in my classroom, you'd understand). and guess what. for the first time ever, i did :) haha! it's not a big deal, but i thought that was pretty cool :)

anyhow, after school it was the SHOCK magazine meeting. gabriel brought an interesting point out about the diverseness of our group - which is in relation to the uniqueness of the body of Christ and how we all fit in there together. i guess i never really thought about asian Christians have a diverseness too much, because we're all asian - but we still have our own uniqueness (if there are CBCs, mandarin speaking, cantonese speaking). i still haven't figured out my 'role' as an asian Christian yet, but i guess it's not that big of a deal. though i still wonder what to do next year for fellowship!

when i got home, i saw the dishes laying in the sink. normally i wouldn't think much about washing them. but a thought ran through my head. my parents weren't home, and if my mom returned home late, she'd have to wash the dishes. so i thought about how uncool that was, and i decided to wash the dishes. it doesn't seem like a big deal, but anytime i wash dishes, my back will ache while i'm doing it because of my car accident. "love sometimes involves pain" i love my mother. i love her with all my heart and i'd have no clue what i'd do without her. so for me, to wash dishes is a sacrifice, not only of my time, but of my physical well-being. "love your neighbor as yourself" (matthew 22:39 [niv]). God first, others second, yourself last. i still need to learn that. i pray that God will help me learn that.

my currrent prayer requests:
- God's will for the summer (maybe a job? *shrugs*)
- august 31st
- relying on Him for anything and everything
- increasing my faith in Him - knowing and trusting in everything that He does

that's about it :) it's late, i'm tired. nite!