two days gone by....

July 28, 2002

the past two days have been pretty interesting. friday wasn't anything too special, i was supposed to study but i didn't get a chance to. the issachar brochure took me a little longer than i had expected so i didn't have time to study. *shrugs* what can you do.

on my drive up to ntcac, i noticed that the gates to the big catholic church on woodbine was opened for once. it's normally all locked up and no one can get in. i was going to stop and drive up by i had the wedding rehersal to go to, so i couldn't be late. i was just thinking about how awesome it is that the gates for us, is never closed, or only open some of the times, but it's always open . God's always there beckoning us to Him to know Him, we're always able to communicate with Him freely. it's not like, you can only talk to me on this day or this month - but all the time! isnt' that cool :)

the dress rehersal was cool. ntcac has a really gorgeous sanctuary. it's one of the prettiest ones i've ever seen like in person. so i decided to bring my man's camera to take photos of it this morning. and i did :P

grace and kevin's wedding was this morning. such a beautiful thing to be a part of. :) i was kind of thinking about the whole concept of 'light' because there was like a whole bunch of candles at the front of the sanctuary and the sanctuary was really nicely lit with a vast array of different lights. it's pretty sweet actually. but anyways, light in a completely dark place would be blinding to a person who was in that dark place for an extended period of time. and maybe like when we go out into the 'darkness', it's like the light shocks them crazily, and some might not like it - but some may be drawn to it and find that it's good. but some will enjoy the darkness and continue to walk in it.

so the wedding banquet was a little strange for me. there were none of the older people there tonight. just like the younger ones, the ones that'll be around next year. and the ones that won't be around next year, well they didn't show up. so it was like a 'preview' for me for what september will be like. none of the oldies. i felt REALLY awkward.. strange.. like, not a part of things, isolated. it's a feeling i have a lot. like i don't belong. like i'm an outsider. it's like almost the same feeling i had when i went to CCC when no one ever talked to me.

me, an outsider at a church i've been to for like 12 years. how does that work? and it's not like i wasn't with people that i didn't know. i've known them for a few years, but it's like i'm slowly drifting away. and once i leave koinonia in september, that drifiting would speed up exponentially. *sigh* this whole like MCBC thing is really screwing me over. what to do. jer said maybe it's some kind of weird spiritual warfare. it probably is. i have so many fears if i left. like what would it be like when i came back type thing. you know? but maybe i need to lay that to rest and give it up to God. since He's in control.... it's like i can't trust God in that area of my life for some reason.....

being at the banquet started making me thinking of wedding things. like my own wedding. who would i invite, who'd be my best man and all those details. i probably shouldn't. messes with my head. it's like i HOPE that God'll give me a spouse. someone who i could love, cherish and all that good stuff. i'm 20 and i'm single. it's been like that for 20 years. and i know i have to wait longer because there's still issues in my life that need to be resolved i think. God HAS to be the only one i desire. ONLY ONE. nothing and no one else. because He's all i need. i keep saying that. i wonder if i really believe it. i think parts of me do. but parts of me don't. i hope God begins to show me that, really reveal that to me. :)

3 more days to study. i really need to START. :)

i should get off to bed. service at 9:30. g'nite......

the ordinariness of life still speaks...

July 26, 2002

still reading the "reflective life".. it's day three :) today it was talking about the "soil" of the reflective life... and it was kind of a different twist on the parable of the sower. about where the seed lands basically and how that works. we need to be receptive to those 'seeds' that God gives us. but that is marked by humility. because how could a proud person receive anything like that? they couldn't. i really need to like REREAD the book after i'm finished it. i think i will. :)

i played tennis today with eric. it was cool, we had to like drive all over the place to find an empty court. but we did :) anyhow, i noticed this guy flying a kite while we were playing tennis. it wouldn't really seem something out of the ordinary, but the kite this guy was flying wasn't your average kite. it was a super-hero kite. it required the guy, literally to use his ENTIRE body to manoeuvre the kite in the air. it was the craziest thing i've ever seen for kite flying. like, he was using both his arms and using his body weight to keep himself planted on the ground. it was an incredible sight. so i watched this guy fly his kite in the air, trying to keep it flying high as possible - but every now and then, the kite would take a dip down into the air and fall and so the guy would have to adjust himself to counter-act the effects of the wind. the way i saw it, it's like us and Christ. when we STAND firm in our faith - it's not like it's an easy thing. we have to use ALL of our energy into standing firm for Him so that we do not waiver and fall. it requires ALL of us. that way, when the storms in life come, we will not fall down. we will stand firm in our faith no matter what comes our way. and for sure, there will be the 'ups' and 'downs' in our lives. it's just a matter of we stand firm in the foundation that we are rooted in or not. :) the moment we stop, we'll fall flat on our faces.

afterwards, i got home and really didn't do too much. but i had dinner with loretta tonight! i had a great time with her, just hanging out and talking over our meal. i haven't really had a nice long conversation with her like that for AGES. like the last time i remember was before urbana and that was a really long time ago. we have these like short conversations every now and then, but it's not like a nice good sit down talk sort of thing. so it was great to catch up and see what's going in her life. :) God's doing some amazing things in her life and i was very blessed to hear what He's been doing in her life. one of the things we discussed was just like seeing God everywhere. i think we both came to the realization that we've both missed out on a lot. and loretta was just sharing how in grade 12/OAC, she really saw God everywhere. i hope that i can see God everywhere i go too! each and every day is a sacred gift of God. and there's traces of Him everywhere because He created everything. it's just a matter of being alert and aware of what those things are :) i'm going to make it a point to pray for her during her missions trip. and God i hope that you will keep me to that :)

we watched the movie "mr. deeds" tonight. not a bad movie. there were a few things that stuck out from the movie to me. one of them, was during the computer conversation jan was having with deeds. he was basically saying how cool his uncle was and everything and jan's response was something like "yeah, but remember it's because he's a deeds" - like implying that he got it from him sort of thing because of the name. and like, yeah, as Christians, we have the name of Christ. the little Jesus. and with that, we have an AWESOME responsibility, and and AWESOME power. because through Christ, anything is possible! and because Christ lives in US, that means we can do anything because He dwells in us :) i think it's important that we remember our identity as Christians. for us to truly know what that means. i think i need to investigate it some more. there's like so many promises that God gave to us, and so many things we have as children of God - but do we even realize what it is!? another thing that i remember was just the character of deeds. he was like this child-like character, innocent. and it's just that child-like faith you know? to simply trust God and not have to worry about anything else. kids are so cool like that. they're so trusting and never question / doubt. :)

these past two days have been really cool - like God's really been teaching me out of the 'ordinary' events in life - perhaps it's because i'm trying to look for them and i'm expecting them? but yeah, i really hope this continues. because i don't want to miss out anymore. i don't want to miss seeing God everyday in my life through the 'ordinary' things.

that'll be all for tonight! i have to start studying tomorrow :) g'nite!

yay God :)

July 25, 2002

i've continued to read "the reflective life" this morning. so now i'm done two chapters. the first was talking about the reflective life, what it is, why it's important. the second one was talking about the SEED of the reflective life. so i'm thinking a lot now, trying to soak in what the book is all about. i really am onboard with the first chapter - and like i said yesterday, it's basically like how everything in life is sacred - and like how we should EXPECT to see God in the so-called "ordinary" events in our lives. why? because God created everything, so everything He made has traces of Him in it. it's just if we see it or not. it doesn't change the fact that it's still there.

the second chapter was talking about wisdom. and a cool thing i learned, wisdom in hebrew, means "the skill of living". so if we are wise, then we'lll learn to live our lives well. but what does that really mean? it's like making sure we know when to slow down or even stop when things happen. to reflect on the events rather than rush through everything. to pause, and really think about what people are saying to us. to look deep into their eyes, into their hearts to see what is going on in their lives. if we're always thinking about our schedules, we won't have time to reflect on things around us. the author was saying how he didn't want to miss any more of these special moments in life that he's already missed because he's been too busy. i'm feeling the same thing. i've already missed out a whole ton of stuff that God has probably been trying to show/reveal to me because i've been too pre-occupied with other things. and also, it was saying how we should like EXPECT to see these traces or little gifts of God in our every day. if we don't ask, we don't receive. so if we're like expecting it, it's totally different.

i look forward to reading the following chapters of the book, but i think i'll have to re-read it later to really just get what the book is all about!

anyhow, i took a shower this morning, like usual. but when i finished, i was just sorta glancing into the mirror. and for some reason, i thought there was something significant about it, something that i should just pause and look at. so i did. i'm like okay, i'll just stare at this mirror and try to figure out what God's trying to tell me. i'm sure you all notice this. but when you take hot showers for a somewhat long period of time, the mirror in the bathroom gets all steamy because (i think) the water vapour condenses onto the mirror. so with that, i was looking into the mirror and i notice how my image was distorted because of the water vapour. so i stood there and watched as the vapour slowly dissipated from the mirror and finally, my image became clear. there was nothing distorting it. so what's this have to do with anything? well, the way i understood it was this: ALL of us bear the image of Christ - whether we know it or not. in ephesians 1:4-5 it says "in love, He predestined us to be adopted as His sons through Jesus Christ". and like in genesis, it says we are made in the image of God... just for some background.. anyhow, so yeah, it's like before we know that we're in the image of Christ, it's like the hazy part, when there's the water vapour and all we see is a blurred picture of who we are. but slowly, as we get closer to Christ, and finally accept Him, does the vapour dissipitate to finally reveal a true image of who we are. a child of God - created to worship Him! so yeah, i thought that was kinda interesting :) neat huh!? learning something from staring at a mirror... :) hehe.. maybe this book is helping me reflect on things or have that expectency that it was talking about. i hope so!

school was okay. i'll have to study like mad for my exam because i made an assumption about something my teacher said and it like totally screwed me over. aiya. not cool at all! i need to find some time to start studying it up and what have you. maybe i'll start tomorrow, although that ruins my 5 day study method plan :) i really want to do well in the course, perhaps even get a 90%! that would be really cool :)

we had our worship practise for august 31st tonight. it was...... AWESOME! :) the first time ever. we're finally start to get things settled and things are looking a lot brighter. for the first time, i really felt God's presence there. so that's gooood! maybe people are getting closer with Christ again, so that's good. i definitely think it's that. but yeah, people have been praying for us which is totally awesome :) we need it. there's still a lot of things we need to do! and we can only do it if God's leading us, helping us through all of it. i anticipate God to do amazing things that night. i know He will. :) we just need to give Him our utmost excellence! hopefully we can schedule more practices in or something cuz i think we need some more :)

i'm happy. it's really great. things are moving along. :) thanks God! you rock :) i think i'll turn in early tonight. g'nite :)

the reflective life...

July 24, 2002

it was the 22nd on monday.

that's the day when licks has it's special day for a 22 cent item. this month was the homeburger! i didn't expect there to be that many people, but let me tell you! there were tons of people lining up for them. we waited a good while. it was obvious that some of the staff were getting tired - i mean who wouldn't? there were like TONS of people waiting for these 22 cent homeburgers!

but yeah, while i was waiting in line with jon and jer, i saw this one employee. and boy, she looked so tired, like she was just going to fall over or something. and i really felt for her. like all i knew, was that she needed some encouragement, maybe from a fellow employee or someone in the line. and i doubt someone in the line would encourage her. i was wondering if i should say something, but it would have been so awkward. you know? so i just prayed for her, that God would encourage her somehow. i was surprised that i noticed her feeling like that. maybe God's SLOWLY showing me the needs of others before mine? of course i'm no where close ot that, but slowly!!

i had a dental appointment this morning and i decided to get a new book cuz screwtape just isn't working out for me. the book i'm reading instead is called "the reflective life". it's PRETTY cool. like i've only read a bit of it, but yeah. it's got some neat stuff in there. i think one of the most profound, but simple things it said was just basically how each and every single day is a gift from God. and because it's a gift, we should be looking for something that makes it a gift - like God makes it holy/special and all that and like we miss out on it all the time because we're moving too fast. we need to slow down, and even stop to take notice of what God is doing. and it also talked about how sacred people are. another interesting thing was a quote saying that the people really close to God, can learn things from the 'ordinary, the everyday' events that happen in life. and i was thinking about that, and like that's been happening with me and jer a BIT. so pretty neat!

we had men's group tonight! jer brought up an interesting thought. it's about Jesus' death. and it basically amounted to this. why did Jesus only die for 3 days? why didn't He die for more days than that? and a question that came from that, is it 'fair' that He only stayed there for 3 days? cuz He knew He'd be brought back to life 3 days after He died. jer's answer to it was basically that there's no concept of time when you die, so it didn't really matter how long He was dead for. then jer was like saying, where did Jesus go when He died? did He go to hell? or just like no where? i have no clue, but i doubt it's hell. that'd be so messed up. but yeah, just talking about that really made me realize how LITTLE i know!

tonight we talked about elijah going to heaven (from 2 kings 2). i think the major point for me was just the fact that we need to be wary of the image we project to others and how people perceive us. basically echoing antioch - how do we want to be known? but not only that, we should be living a life such that people want to be like us - but not just like us, like they're wanting to be like DOUBLE us - like elisha wanting a double portion of elijah's spirit kind of thing. so yeah, it's like we totally need to be careful of what we say, what we do and all that good stuff. i think i'll be thinking about that some more.

anyhow, i HOPE i can stick with reading this book. it's really interesting, but yeah me and my like non-reading book habit always seems to win whenever i try to start reading a book! aiya. well i have a deadline now, august 15th. or else it's all over :P hahah... i have to treat like the men's group to dinner or something if i don't. so that's QUITE the motivation :)

that's it for tonight! g'nite :)

antioch - little Christ?

July 22, 2002

i've been thinking about the whole "little Christ" thing from last night.. and i was talking to a friend of mine about it tonight on ICQ. this is an excerpt of our discusison.

me: "i'd like to think i'm being a little Jesus everywhere i go but i don't know about that. i've got a lot of shortcomings and stuff, so like honestly i'm not doing the greatest of jobs with being a little Christ. one of my non-Christian friends from school, i wonder if he notices that i'm different and stuff"

my friend: "at York you mean??? I know that in all the things that i do, is not truely shwoing Jesus...I guess you can say that's it's kinda my goal yet I know i will never be even close to who Jesus is...He's just so perfect...but i know i can do the best that i can. I know i will come across many hardships but just knowing that God is right behind me makes me feel secured and confident. "

me: "yeah :0 i'm taking summer school with him

like the dude knows i'm Christian...... but i wonder if that really means something to him? *shrugs*
we'll never be like 'hypocritcally-free' because we're fallable.. but it is our life's journey to imitate Him and be more like Him :)"

my friend: "At times, other people don't have to see what you do in order to know that you're a Christian because the light of Jesus glows within you and it just shines to others....So maybe, just being who you are becasue you are a child of God is already showing him that you are a Christian..."

me: "hmmmmmmmmm :) that's interesting! i like that :)"

my friend: "so there you go...=) just be the person that God made you to be...His child...=)"

amen :) i love what she said at the end. that totally like puts to rest my negative thoughts aboud the whole thing. :)

an eventful sunday :)

i actually woke up early this morning!
i set my alarm clock for 7:20 am and i did wake up when it rang. but i just closed my eyes again for a few seconds, which actually turned out to be almost half an hour. i woke up again at 7:50 am or so. and i was like, hey, i can still make it to mel lastman to take the photos! so off i went. :)

everything was still there when i arrived, to no surprise. it was incredible to just walk around and see how many people responded last night. i noticed passerbyers just glancing at what was on the ground. i mean, who wouldn't take a look at it? people literally wrote ALL over mel lastman square - i only thought it'd be a part of it. like seriously, the ENTIRE thing - everywhere was covered. i'm sure the people who had a chance to read it were blessed by the words. i was. :) i took 92 photos! hehe... buck wild.....

worshipping at markham this morning was like........ different.. maybe because john 4 was just last night so i'm like all jacked up for God (ti's the whole emotion thing).... and because ivan lead this morning (which was really awesome)........ man, like why can't it always be like that? it SHOULD be like that. that's what it's all about it. maybe like a few years down the road, markham will be in that kind of contemporary place. the church i desire to be a part of.

i've been kinda wondering about myself and my like 'boldness' meter for Christ. like honestly. i'm kinda shy still. thinking about yesterday, this lady came up to us and was like "when's the band playing?" so i immediately answered "7 o'clock". then she asks "what type of band is it?" and so i hesitated because i wondered how to explain it. and i finally said "worship band" - nice response huh? she didn't really get it because i don't think she was Christian. and she was like "what's that?" then katie comes in and was like it's a Christian music group. i'm so dumb :P i kinda thought she was like a Christian person so that's why i said it. but yeah i dunno. and like even this morning, i was kinda afraid that people would come up to me and ask what i was doing cuz like i was the only one there taking pictures of the chalk drawings. maybe i should spoken to some of them? i have no idea. i'm still the shy person i used to be.

anyhow, i went to sunday school today! it was cool cuz uncle larry's teaching the class again. he's the man. i love his stuff. so yes, i will be returning to sunday school for the duration of his teaching time :) man, maybe that's like where all the learning stuff is at. sunday school! i've been totally missing out!!!!

we had another 24/7 meeting tonight :) ben talked about some interesting things. one of the most intriguing things he talked about was God writing us letters. i'm like huh!? what the heck. but yeah, it was really cool - ben shared one of the letters that God wrote to him. it was really encouraging. he basically said there's a few things we need to do if we want God to write us a letter.

1. ask God to bind up satan - like the time is only between you and God
2. ask God to 'write' you a letter
3. be still - listen - write down what He says :)

this like whole writing a letter business is like basically the whole God talking to us business. like listening to His voice. which is cool because i've been thinking about that a lot this past summer. so yeah, i really think that's such an amazing thing. to let God write a letter to us :) so cool!! and he was talking about just being still and silent before God. and how we need to tune out the distractions out of our lives. i think my greatest distraction is technology. on friday, we had a power failure at the house. and my brother and i were left home without any electricity for some time. let me tell you, i was like "oh no, i can't do anytihng now". i have such a dependence on electricity for using a computer, watching television and whatever. it's actually quite sad if you think about it. so maybe i need to like eliminate these things out of my life more, so i can just hang out and spend more time with Jesus! :) that'd be awesome.

i think i should go to sleep now. i'm quite tired. i don't have to meet jerry tomorrow morning! that means i can catch up on my zzzz's :) so yes, i'll be heading off now! g'nite :)

amazed.

July 21, 2002

it's been a while since i last wrote something.
i've had a pretty crazy and hectic week. lots of design projects to finish for this and that and things to plan. i didn't think i could do it. but God's been totally gracious. He's given me ideas for designs and He's given me time to finish all of them. it was awesome :)

i've been learning from my client that i have. he's been really open with me, telling me about what the business world is like. and i totally appreciate it. i've got a lot to learn. though, whether i actually go INTO the design world is another story. i can't be certain what my future looks like - only God knows that.

this morning, we had sunrise devotions. right smack early in the morning. we were down at scarborough bluffs at 5:00 am. not too many of us, but it was cool. i think one of the most amazing things i saw this morning was a whole mass load of birds on the beach. like honestly, it was insane. there must have been several dozen of them. they were all just hanging out on the beach. and it was cool, because i looked at them and the imagery of it blew me away. i was thinking about the song by david crowder, "all creatures of our Lord and King". i never really thought about CREATURES praising God. like nations bowing down before Him. but creatures, how does that work? but yeah, i was basically just standing in awe of God's glorious creation and admiring His awesome sunrise and it was like the birds were doing the same thing. all of them lined up on the beach looking into the sunrise and praising God. of course, who knows what they were really doing - but that's the imagery i saw. it was awesome :)

i had a drawing class today. it's basically my last one w/ him because he's going to china for a show or something. the interesting thing was, was that i sat down at a table with this girl who's interested in applying to the york/sheridan program next year. i didn't give it too much thought and continued my drawing. however, i noticed that she had a WWJD bracelet on her wrist, so i was thinking that's pretty cool. she's Christian! the thought of talking to her crossed my mind. but first of all, i'm shy so like i can't talk with people i don't know. it doesn't work. but then i thought, well she IS Christian, so she's just part of the family what's the big deal. and so i sat there struggling with the thought for quite some time. it was like, i could offer to answer any questions she might have about the program by giving her my e-mail address. but i wouldn't do it. i struggled and struggled with saying something. so finally, right at the END of class, i decided to finally say something. i felt like God was pushing me to speak up - but yeah, took me like a good hour or so to say something. why am i so dumb with this stuff? i'm shy like mad. i guess that's something that God'll have to work on, on me :)

so yeah, john 4:24 was tonight. WOW. man, it's really been a long time where i've felt that i truly encountered God in a musical worship setting. and i totally went expecting to meet Him - and for some reason i was worried that i wouldn't. it was only like the 3rd or 4th song when i totally connected with Him . during great in power and famous one. God gave me so much joy just singing about His name that i started tearing up. and when they did in the secret, it was all over :) everything started happening there. i love the fact that God knows us so intimately and we can worship Him so individually all at the same time. it makes no sense really, but it's so amazing. God truly is merciful! praise Him - all glory goes to Him.

musically, WOW! :) it was some insane stuff. i had forgotten just how good drew really is. oh man, he's like the craziest bass guy i've heard play live. he's super! so humbling. hahaha, i totally need tons of practise. i want to grow in my instrument so i guess i have some motivation. :) but yeah, musically they all connected so well - and the sets they chose were super. like the flow and everything was GREAT! such talented individuals :)

antioch - do people see me as a little Christ? i wonder - i'd like to think so. but there's a lot of me that needs tons of work. i'm for sure not like 100% hyprotically free. i know i do things that do not reflect what i say every now and then - we're all like that. but by God's grace, He'll transform into the likeness of Jesus! i think i just need to stop complaining (i know i've said this before) like altogether because it's not a good witness, especially with my school friends (like andrew). does he notice something different in me? or am i just like any other of his buddies? the life that leads to why........ that's what i'm trying to do - but i can't do it without God helping me...

the whole like writing on the ground was a genius idea. i really wanted to read all the things everybody wrote but unfortunately i didn't have the time. hopefully i can wake up early and head down there tomorrow and get some shots before church :) that'd be awesome.

it's quite late and i'm super sleepy :) God's just so amazing. tonight was a total blessing. me is feeling very happy :) g'nite!

a look back on the weekend...

July 15, 2002

it's been a really interesting weekend. LOTS of things happened, like usual. i seem to have a lot of things to occupy my time.

saturday, we did our annual MCBC car wash for the community. what was really cool was that lydia & garway went to help out the redeemer car wash on friday, and one of the people that went to it mentioned how there's always a car wash held at 16th and woodbine every year. guess what? that's US! isn't that awesome? the community like actually remembers that we do this every year. it'd be so amazing if we could up the frequency of the car wash. i mean, i don't think it's THAT like crazy to do more than once a year. as long as there's the man power, it's great!

i really enjoy the fact that we do this car wash as a CHURCH now. and although it's still all basically koinonia people doing it, the fact that the rest of the church participates in the different aspects (like promo, food) is really helpful because that way the focus for koinonia can be completely on like the actual car washing. this year was especially cool because we had so many people helping out that a lot of people were free to talk with the people that came to get their car washed. can you believe it, we like hit an ALL time record this year with something around 70+ cars. it was so crazy!

we had a softball game afterwards, and i must admit i was not in the mood to go because i was so tired from the car wash. but we went, and i had a great time just playing. we lost, but meh! no worries. it's not like we're playing to win or anything. but yeah, the whole like saturday started getting me thinking about the whole markham thing again. so in the eye. massively in the eye. cuz i dunno, it's starting to feel like 'home' again. or maybe beginning to. and it's been especially encouraging with the nashville team back at home just sharing with us and everything. see the weirdest thing is, is like i know this 'home' i feel at markham will change again once they ALL leave in september. i literally mean that. they will ALL be gone.

well after the game, i went home and drove to etcbc for practise for "enough". it was one of the most gorgeous sunsets i've ever seen. like the hues in the sky were amazing. the pinks, oranges, yellows and blues. it was so beautiful. God's canvas is like the entire sky. and He just gets to do all this amazing things with it. it's like God paints these awesome sunsets and sunrises every day for us to see and just be in awe of how wonderful He truly is and the beauty of His creation. i'd love just to like watch sunrises and sunets everyday. lately i've been seeing the sunset every night. it's been so awesome. but yeah, as i was watching the sunset i was just kind thinking about the whole markham thing. and it was as if God was saying to me that He was sufficient for me right in my own church - that although i crave teaching and fellowship there, that it didn't really matter if i didn't get it. because God's enough for me regardless. and it seems so ironic that i'm thinking this. it's like, don't worry about going to church to learn or fellowship (although that's why people go to a church), because i'm all you need. so that's something for me to chew on!

oh, i just wanted to say that amanda did such an amazing job with the devotion. like the passion in our heart was like totally pouring out when she was doing her devo after the softball game. it's been so encouraging to see her grow so much in the Lord over the past years. she's grown up a lot.

today, all the people that went to nashville shared about their experience over there. and i know it was really short because i'm sure they have so much to share about. it was really encouraging and some of the things they said hit home. a lot of mentioned the same points because i think they were all struck by it. the things i remember the most that they said were as follows:

1. what have you done for the Kingdom of God in your life?
2. GO - don't wait, don't make excuses - GO
3. is Jesus really getting what He paid for?

i think what really strikes me is the first question. like honestly, i've never been a part of leading someone to Christ - and of course i can't lead a person to Christ - it's God doing that, but you know what i mean. like i might have been a part of it indirectly, but never like doing the whole Gospel thing and the praying with someone. but is that the only thing that is meaningful for the Kingdom? i don't think so, though i believe it's a MAJOR and integral part of it. but i think i need to think about it some more! totally.

24/7 was tonight, like usual. it was great. i really enjoy it, though i'd like to get to KNOW some of the people there. lol, cuz i don't know anyone. and it'd be cool if i could cuz everyone seems to be really cool :) maybe i should like start approaching people and getting to know them. oh my. out of the comfort zone! i think i need to do that more. yeah. i mean we're all just bros & sis' in Christ, so really what's the problem. tonight andrew was hitting on the subject of who's our first love? if it's God, then like we should totally be giving Him everything and surrending everything to Him. He needs to be the priority of everything that we do - and that will involve sacrifice. andrew mentioned something that made me think. it was like just telling Jesus that you love Him. and say it to Him everyay. and i'm like gee. that makes so much sense. just telling God i love Him, every morning when i wake up and stuff :) that's just awesome.

this week is going to be crazy. i just started to think about what needs to be done, and i have a lot of design work and other obligations. i don't think i'll be sleeping much! aiya. i really need God to sustain me this week and just pull me through everything that happens - i know He will. hopefully i'll learn to deny myself more and more, and rely on Him more and more :) that'd be awesome.

that's about it. i'm exhausted. g'nite!

an eventful few days!

July 13, 2002

feels like a long time since i last wrote. in a way, it has been - it's been three days.
a lot of things have happened since tuesday.

first and foremost, the presentation for summer school went really well. i think the teacher like loved us. we totally we over our allocated time span, but it was totally fine. she didn't mention to us at all and i knew we were overtime. i felt bad though - like i basically was working right up until i left for school on wednesday - it's like the first time ever that i wasn't totally prepared for things. i knew i was like the 'worst' one for the presentation cuz i didn't get a chance to reherse my portion, but it still went okay. i think our group relaxed everyone else - loosened it up for people.

one group presented and this one dude. wow! it was so cool. he was just trying to explain the universe and how big it really is. it was so cool because he was so awed by how large the univere is. like he said he just couldn't get it. and like to see that awe in him, just made me laugh. not at him, but just at the fact how awed he was and how he couldn't get his mind around the universe being so large. because i'm totally onboard with that. i don't get how big the universe either. it's so cool that God made all of it. but yeah, i don't know if that guy was a Christian or not. but it never dawned on me that people would be so awed by just the universe being so large. like, if that's amazing - think about this. the God who CREATED it, knows us and loves us so intimately. now that is truly awesome :)

justin asked me to go down to YSM with him, sammo, grace and james on thursday. just to see the kids. and at first, i was like SURE - why not? i didn't have anything to do on thursday, so i decided to go for it. it's not like i had anything better to do.

thusday morning, during breakfast, i was just sort of reflecting and i felt this really strong urge to just NOT go to ysm. it was like God telling me - "why are you filling up your schedule with all these things to do? you've been running ragged all week. just rest today. don't do anything. take some time for yourself. and spend time with me." so that's what i did. i told justin that i wasn't going to go down, and i didn't. instead, i stayed at home the entire day. i had a chance to finally sit down and write out my reflection on just being nothing before God, which was really cool. i didn't really get a lot of responses like way back when. only got one, so i don't know if what i wrote struck a chord with anyone. who knows :P

i had drawing class at night and when i got back home, i had dinner. then i decided to go for a WALK. that's right. a WALK :) so i just walked around the neighborhood for a little less than an hour. it was cool. i was just alone in my thoughts thinking about different things, admiring nature like normal. i was basically outside for the entire sunset period. it was really gorgeous. i've never seen the sky (personally) set for such a long period of time. it was really gorgeous :) i think i should go for walks more often. first of all, it's just good to walk cuz it's a good healthy thing to do. second, it was a time for me to like hang out with God outside of my morning devotional time :) which is cool. and i think when i'm away from my house, it lets me think about things more :) even though i'm still close - but you know what i mean :)

so today was FRIDAY! the day of shopping with janice for a bass! hahaha. so jokes, she almost got the same one as me but her mom wanted her to go for the cheaper one (awwwww). but it was cool. i let tim drive my car afterwards cuz my interview was at one and i couldn't make it back in time. and guess what? he listened to the psalms cd in the car! hahahah. he enjoyed it :) jokes.

my interview thing was pretty interesting. i basically already had the 'job' before i went there - but it was just for me to touch base with the guy and see what he was all about. and for him to see what i was all about. it's not your typical job. not what i was expecting. he told me it was going to be part-time graphic design. but it's more or less like CONTRACT graphic design. not that i'm complaining or anything, just something different. he's a pretty cool dude. he's got like this hero plan for his newly formed company (about a year old) which is really neat. a man of vision! i think he's Christian too, because he said he had a Bible study to go to! cool stuff. anyhow, i'll be doing some contract work for him as time passes. i already have a project to work on - a pamphlet for him for the 20th of july. so i hope that i can design something that he'll like. i totally need God to help me with this :) if this contract stuff works out, it'll be really awesome. because i'll have like jobs on the side which should pay pretty good and help me pay for my education and supplies and all that good stuff. it's kind of jokes. the way i'm going to be paid, is like shares in his company and with money. because he wants to minimize expenses. so if his company does well, it'll be really cool :)

i went to church today and all the nashville people were back. it was great them all back :) God's done some amazing things in all of their lives. wow, so cool - like i could totally tell a change in chung & erica for sure. i haven't really gotten to speak to chow or garway about it yet, but i will hopefully. i had a great convo w/ chung over our short dinner time at tim horton's. lol . i hope to speak with him some more later on. maybe on sunday or something :) but awesome stuff. God's really taught them all a lot and i totally see it in them. i hope that their passion for Him just continues to grow more and more as each day passes. :)

i have a packed day lined up for tomorrow. car wash, worship practise, softball then another worship practise :) it'll be an interesting day! i should head off to bed, so g'nite :) i will write more soon! :P

unexpected things...

July 10, 2002

i was awaken this morning by a phone call at about 8:40 am.

my mom comes down into my room and informs me that i have a phone call from something international.com.
i'm like huh? what? my first instinct was to just turn over and go back to sleep since i didn't get my eight hours of beauty sleep, but the international.com thing sparked my interest, so i thought whatever, pick it up.

it was a man from a company called cabral international. apparently i had applied to them several months ago (sounds like the last job interview i went for with knowcean) and he asked me if i would like to work as a graphic designer part-time for them. so i said sure :) i'm meeting him on friday @ 1:00 pm for an interview. or to meet him. i think it's an interview. so i have no idea what's going to happen w/ this job. my mom said it seemed like he was offering me a position, but i don't want to get my hopes up for it. i'm just happy with whatever happens because i know God's planning something for me this summer. and even though the summer is like almost over, if i get a part-time job, that'd be really cool. if not, i plan to do some learning :) but yeah, totally unexpected. like this came out of nowhere. i think i'm learning to be satisified with where i'm at. SLOWLY, but i think i'm learning it.

i also found my Bible! :) i kinda forgot to bring it home w/ me on sunday night after the 24/7 meeting so i was worried that it would be lost or whatever. cuz it's like MY Bible, the one that i like to highlight and stuff. but yeah, i went by rh3c today and it was still there! awesome :0 i was really happy.

i ALSO got my cell phone back! OH YEAH:) after like millions of years, it's back. i'm a happy camper :)

so let me tell you what was supposed to happen today. i was suppose to work like a madman all day to finish the site and research for our group pres tomorrow. i was on ICQ like all day cuz i was waiting for andrew and keith to come online so we could talk about our presentation and stuff. and then i get a message from geneva & jenn asking for help about york stuff. so i was trying to do both at the same time. but i don't think it was helping too much, i mean how much can you help someone w/ course selection over the internet. so i said they could call me if they wanted to. and she said it'd be easier if i went over there. and i'm like yeah that makes a lot of sense. so i was stuck. what do you do. stay at home, finish your work, follow the plan. or go help some friends that need help.

i still remember the verse i read in proverbs? about helping your neighbor when they are in need if you can help them. if we're to love God, we have to love people like ourselves. God first, people second, me last. it's the way it's supposed to be. it's the way it has to be. and i'm learning that too. so off i went over to her house to help them out. i didn't intend to stay too long, i thought maybe half an hour or so. i was planning to get home at 3 pm. instead, i got home at about 4:30 pm. i was over at her place for a lot longer than i had anticipated! i'm not complaining, i didn't even know the time went by so fast. but yeah, this like denying myself thing is slowly clicking with me. deny myself, my wants, my needs, my everything. it's God, and nothing else. there is no other. so if that means i sleep late or whatever, it's all good. God sacrificed His own Son for me. can i not sacrifice something as trivial as sleep for Him?

i'm still not done the stuff for the presentation tomorrow, but i'll be getting up early to memorize my stuff. hopefully there'll be enough time. i'm knida worrying about it now. and i know i shouldn't. so with that, i'll leave it to God and let Him figure it out for me. He knows a lot better than i do! that's for sure :)

g'nite!

weekend reflections

July 7, 2002

it seems like i haven't been writing as frequently as before.
and it is true, it hasn't been an everyday thing for the past few days. maybe because i don't feel like i've had anything really significant to write about? oh well, it's not a big deal!

so what's been going on with me lately?
i think one of the things i wanted to learn over the course of this summer was how to "fear God". pastor amy spoke about it this morning. and i guess to fear God seemed to be this really difficult thing to do, because fearing something implies this or that. but her points were pretty straightforward!

1. guard your tongue
2. guard your relationships
3. guard your walk

so like, fearing God is basically just watching what we do because by watching what we do, we understand our relationship with Him. it's not like an earth-shattering new concept for me, but sorta reaffirming things were buried in my head :)

immediately after church, we went to the molson indy. my dad got some like really expensive seats from some drug company as a "thank-you" gift. and although i don't like watching motor racing, i decided to go anyway cuz he had these VIP pit walk-through thing which seemed really cool and i don't get to hang out w/ my dad all too often. eric came too!

well, racing really isn't all that interesting, even when you are there. in fact i think it's even LESS interesting cuz you can't see all the action! it's just when the cars pass by where you are sitting. so i was kinda just sitting and thinking about things while the race was going on. i saw all these banners flying for different companies: dodge, molson, etc. and wouldn't it be so cool if everyone there was a believer, and the only banner flying was God's? i was thinking about how much our tickets costed. it was like $196.00. people would pay $196.00 to sit in a grandstand on one part of the track to see cars pass by every now and then. they'd sit in the uncomfortableness of a grandstand with the sun blazing on them and super loud molson indy cars racing by. they'd wait in traffic lines to find parking spots. all for what? to see a race that would end just as fast as it finished?

wouldn't it be cool if people would go through all that 'hassle' to just meet with God? if people would come, wait, and line up just to meet with the LIVING God? i think it'd be so awesome. one banner, God's flying over the city of toronto. that'd be so cool!

i had the privelege of leading worship for our 24/7 meeting tonight (with the core group). wow, it was just so awesome. how free everyone feels to go after God. it's just amazing! i was really encouraged by something a brother by the name of wayne said (he's really awesome). he was just commenting on what happens during our musical worship to God. that sometimes, we can't express a certain feeling or something, but the worship leader is the one that kinda expresses that feeling for them by a prayer, or Scripture or the approach to leading a song or what not. i never actually thought about it that way. that's pretty cool. and yeah, him and lillian just encouraged me that i did a good job. well, it's always a weird thing when people say that cuz to be honest i didn't do anything. it's all God. but i still appreciated it. :) i know i said this before, how prayer is kinda my way of worship now - but tonight, for the first time in a while was where i really felt that i met God in worship - and although there was no like 'emotional' response like crying, i felt Him. maybe now it's like musical worship & prayer are working that way - i think that's the way it's supposed to be. EVERYTHING that we do should be like that because we're worshipping Him with our lives!

wayne also was saying how satan goes after the leaders, because leaders always have followers and when the leader goes down, the followers disperse. i tend to forget that i am a leader in some regard. and that satan is going after me, tempting me with all these different things to bring me down. i need to watch my steps and watch for the pitfalls he lays before me. but you know what, it's all good cuz God has victory in the CROSS! :)

so yeah, lots things happened tonight. ben was talking about the whole concept of unity (like what louie has been talking about) and just kinda reaffirming that in our hearts. i think i'm totally coming onboard with that. i mean, we're all ONE family! i'd love to get to know the people that come better, just to see what God is doing in their lives and stuff. it's so awesome - God like does all this neat stuff in each of our lives. so cool. so cool. and andrew was just talking about worshipping God in all aspects of our lives, 24/7 - or his term, decompartimentalizing our lives. and yeah, i think that's the theme for me and the men's group this summer - i pray that God'll continue to help me to realize this in everything that i do, each and every single day. that He'll make me NOTHING before Him.

i really enjoy our sunday night meetings. it really is like the fellowship i've been seeking. and it kinda makes me sad to know it'll end come august 11, cuz august 10th will be over and done with. i know like jon and ben want this core group to continue some how, and i'd love to see it to, if God wills it :) i hope like i can find something like this when university resumes. maybe not on campus? maybe on campus? i have no idea. but that God'll put me in a place where the atmosphere is like these meetings. that'd be so awesome :)

i'm kinda long winded tonight, i guess. lotsa things to write about! :) but that'll be it for this entry. g'nite!

one step at a time...

July 5, 2002

praise God!

man, i've been totally wondering about this whole deal with august 31st. i mean, just with what's been happening and everything. it's like, once we reach our lowest point, God comes around and completely surprises me. i did NOT expect an e-mail from christine, seeing that she's giving birth to a child and everything. but she's onboard with us!! the e-mail was out of NOWHERE. since she didn't reply, i thought it was all over. isn't God funny like that? the things that we totally discredit, sometimes He just brings them right back.

i really think God is trying to teach me to just depend on Him for everything. i mean, honestly, this whole august 31st thing is like a step by step process for me. first it's like, coming up with the whole outline of the night, then finding a church for it, finding people to help us out with it, finding churches to practise. all of that. and it's like one by one, everything's coming together. slowly, but surely. God's so cool like that. and i totally understand. it makes so much sense. if God gave us everything we wanted, all at once, we'd be like, gee thanks God and then totally forget about Him. which is VERY uncool. i'm just blown away. God always gives me something to smile about, ALWAYS. the fact that i'm alive. which means i have another day to serve Him and know Him. Creator God.

as a group, we just all need to fall on our faces before Him for this thing. i don't really want to be the one propelling it forward, but maybe i have to. i just need to seek God in everything that we're doing for this :) yeah! He'll help me figure it all out! i am slowly but surely, getting very excited for it :) it'll be awesome. i just hope all of us are on the same page together. so i guess i'll like prepare a Bible study on "enough" or something? that'll be good.

i also went to UT CCF today, just to check things out. cuz yeah, the entire men's group was there! big jokes :) hahaha... we did this program called 'watching people' today. an interesting thing to do for a fellowship! we basically were supposed to watch people in their environments and how they interacted with people/things. and pray for them. to me, not a big deal. i like observing people. that's what introverts do. don't talk, just observe things that are going on. and speak up every now and then. but to my surprise, some people found it really difficult to just sit there and watch people. i really like this concept, it's cool. if i truly love God, i'll love His people and i'll be concerned with them knowing Him. cuz that's what it's all about. my main priority in life needs to be sharing this wondrous love that i know about with other people. so maybe i'll do this more at york. just kinda sit around on campus and watch people are doing and pray for them. that'll be really cool :)

i didn't get to meet many new people at CCF today, but it was a weird program, so what do you expect. and things were just kinda all strange today, so yeah. i dunno if i'll go back any time, cuz of drawing classes. but maybe i can move it? there seems to be some cool people there, some people i've seen here or there. so yeah, who knows? even if it's only for like 3 more weeks, it's all good :) we'll see what happens, i'll have to try and figure something out w/ henry and flora.

i should try and sleep a little earlier. i'm still sick :P g'nite!

thoughts on rebel worship

July 4, 2002

jon was quite right.

i guess i didn't think it was that severe, but it's pretty bad. if the majority of the team have problems with God, we really shouldn't be doing this. i'm not saying to throw in the towel, but when the time comes around, and we're not totally fixing our eyes on God and we're not good with Him, that would cause big problems. the atmosphere tonight was NOT a good one. like i dunno, i'm not saying that God wasn't there, but it really didn't seem like it. we were just kinda in this 'daze' and it didn't really seem like anyone wanted to be there.
i dunno, i was pretty discouraged tonight. i hate being in this 'leadership' role. i don't know what i'm doing anymore. *sigh* what to do. i'm do think that God is guiding us for this night. but yeah. if we're all like bad with God, that's not cool at all. i think i need to start praying for them. and not to be judgemental, but even justin, like his prayer. wasn't like a justin prayer. not the way i know him to pray. it was like, he was just 'forcing' it out or something. *shrugs*

aside from that, jer said a weird thing today. if we commit suicide, we don't go to hell? erf....... he said like it was a catholic belief or something like that. isn't that strange? i for sure gotta ask tim about that one :)

it's a short entry tonight. haven' t been thinking about too much lately, except for the fact that i really need to 'shape up'. change the way people perceive me. like all this alcohol stuff, it must stop. and me cutting people up. that will stop. no more. big problems.

that's about it. i'm still sick.

g'nite

weekend reflections

July 1, 2002

it's been an interesting weekend.

it was the family mcbc summer retreat that happens like every two years. to be honest, i didn't want to go to it. because i didn't see a point, and to be quite frank, i still don't see a point as to why i was there. i really didn't do anything. maybe it was just to hang out with mcbc people cuz i don't really do it that often anymore. i dunno. i did realize a few things though. i've talked about this before i think, but yeah. it's just kinda reaching a 'plateau' in my spiritual walk at least in the chinese church. like i can't learn anymore or something weird like that. i mean even the Bible study was so like surfacey, though it made me think a little bit, but it's not like anything really challenging or new. pastor joe was saying how these questions were 'tough' and like honestly, they weren't! i dunno, must be something wrong with me? i don't really get it.

we had a campfire/sharing thing on sat. night. and people were just gathering around the fire, sitting on logs and stuff. i stood up after a bit cuz it was really hot and i couldn't handle the heat. so i was just kinda observing things that were happening. man, i felt like such an outsider. it was the weirdest thing. even the people that were standing around me, they were all like talking to someone beside them. and there was me. alone. alone with my thoughts. i felt so isolated, so disconnected, so disjointed. like i had no part in being there. maybe i'm just being stupid, but that's really how i felt. and i wondered if anyone would noticed if i left, or if anyone would try to find me if i left. i dunno, i didn't actually leave cuz i guess i didn't have the guts to do it. but after a while, i left with some people. i don't know how i feel about markham. man, cuz next year, they're all gone. i keep saying it, because it's true. i was kinda thinking about not taking a break, but man i'm still all confused. cuz now i'm really wanting to take a break/leave.......i dunno... stupid emotions, all screwing me up..

anyhow, enough about that. we had a 24/7 meeting with like everyone (from drama, etc.)...EVERYONE.. it was quite the long meeting...4 hours.. but it passed by real quick. i didn't even know it was so late when it was finished. but basically, it was just a time of worship and prayer. it was really cool. there were like all these people i didn't know, but it was so awesome. these are like genuine people after God's heart. while i was playing, i was just sorta thinking, even if like my guitar blew up or something, they'd keep right on worshipping cuz that's how like intense it was :) they talked about a lot of stuff. but an interesting thing ben said, which was basically a quote from crowder. was that our lives reflected the way we worship God (like during musical worship), things would change. how true is that? it's like. during that musical worship, it's like you'd do anything for God. that's the way our LIVES should be like :)

an aside... from all this, i was just thinking how i missed fellowshipping with other believers.. sounds kinda weird.. but yeah.. like i guess i 've been struggling all year to find like a fellowship type thing for university people.. and i'm not saying this would be a fellowship thing for me cuz we're just doing this for 24/7.. but, just the atmosphere and everything. the people. cuz these people are like me. like where we're at spiritually and stuff. and i really don't know any people like that, except for the men's group, but it's completely different. yeah, so i'm hoping that perhaps that i could get to know these people. they're really cool! maybe this was God's answer to my prayer to meeting new people?? hmmmmmmm!

i got home. and i stared into the sink. i think my bro like didn't wash the dishes for the past few days. cuz there was like a full sink load. and my parents and i were away at retreat this weekend, so it wasn't ours. i was looking and thought, well i didn't do it. so why should i wash it. and i went upstairs to do my bathroom stuff. and i came back down. and stared at it again. "love involves sacrifice/pain". i didn't want my mom to do it. so, despite all the physical pain that i'm feeling tonight, it still decided to go for it. and as i was washing the dishes, i remember something uncle gary said once during a family time sharing. he was just talking about how he was washing dishes and thinking how he hadn't done it in a while. and just being happy that he could wash dishes, because that meant he had food to eat. and i was thinking about that. and i was just so happy to wash those dishes. cuz that meant me, leo, had food to eat. who woulda thought you could have joy out of washing dishes? :) i was basically doing it for my mom, cuz i love her, and yeah :) but then God just gave me joy doing it. so cool :)

man, i'm just so happy to know God and that He knows me back. and not only that, that he LOVES me back. i should sleep. i'm lacking sleep and i have a long day tomorrow? :) we got a 24/7 practise smack in the morning! :) g'nite!