God, all at once? (the soap bottle analogy)

August 30, 2002

i really find it interesting how God has been speaking to me lately, just through the ordinary things in life.

i was refilling some of the soap bottles in the house this morning because they were completely empty, so i looked around the house for the big momma refill bottle so i could fill them up. anyway, eventually i found it and i began to proceed filling up the empty soap bottles.

seems pretty normal doesn't it? well it was, but i was thinking about what i was doing, i felt it was another one of those 'special moments'. have you ever looked at soap bottles carefully? the top of the bottles are different shapes and sizes. some of the openings of the top are larger than others, some smaller than others. in any case, they allow soap to be poured into it (or for that matter, any other type of liquid). but that's besides the point. and so i started pouring the soap from the big momma bottle into the little one. it actually took quite some time, and i began to get a bit impatient so i tried to make the process run faster. but i couldn't. there was only so much soap that the little opening could handle and if i had squeezed the bottle to make the soap pour faster, it would have overflowed!

so what's that have to do with anything? it's like this. you know how we all want to know God more? and sometimes, it's like, why doesn't just God show us everything all at once? there's a lot of answers to that, but one of them is this: we can't handle it. we're not ready for it. there really is so much that we could take. and God knows our limits. He knows how much we can handle, and so He reveals that much of Himself to us. i'm sure as we grow in our walk with the Lord, He will reveal more of Himself to us because then we will be ready for it. however, all the while, God has SO much that He could reveal to us. but He just can't cuz we can't handle it.

likewise, we're like those little soap bottles. with different sized openings and we can only handle so much before we start overflowing. and God's like the big momma bottle, with all the reserves all set to go to pour into us, but He controls the flow because He knows how much we can handle! :)

i thought that was pretty cool how God laid that one on me today :)

more of You, less of me.

August 29, 2002

2 more days until sufficiency.

oh man. part of me is really excited. why? because God really has been leading our group throughout these past few months. He's provided for us churches to practice at, all the equipment we need, people, EVERYTHING. what once began as a vision, is almost soon to be reality. it's just like how john and ben we're feeling about 24/7. so it's been really cool to see all that God has done, and the night hasn't even begun yet.

and while i anticipate great things to happen on saturday, i'm still also quite nervous/scared/anxious. and i know i shouldn't be, but i really can't help it. i'm especially scared now that i have to actually SAY something. i don't think it'll be feasible to get anything from tim/sam now, so i have to write something about john 4 and what it's all about. i really don't have a clue what to do, i'm at a loss. and tonight we decide that i was going to lead the confession/reflection time AND the stone response. oh my goodness. i'm only 20 here. like i have no credentials at all, and i am possibly and probably the worst person to do this. i don't know what i'm doing! i don't feel like the person to do it. but what do i know. perhaps God wants me to do this, wants to stretch me, wants me to step out on the water. possibly. i'm really scared, i don't know what to do. but i will trust that God is bigger than all my fears, all my inadequacies and that He'll take care of it. so tomorrow i'll take some time to write out my thoughts, hopefully God's thoughts on these different topics. and i know, full well that if God is leading me to do this, i have nothing to worry about. nothing at all :)

i've been sort of thinking about the future of this group. will we still be together a year down the road? or what? what will happen? i really hope that we can enter this kind of ministry together. i think we have the potential to do something great for God (sounds cliche, but yeah, that's really how i feel). one thing's for certain, this is where my heart lies. i love being involved with the musical worship at church. it's such a big deal for me. and i think even planning "sufficiency" has been a big thing for me. it's opened my eyes to a lot of things, in particular the entire planning process of such a night. i never knew how much time and effort you need to spend in planning. and i guess it comes easier with time and experience, because this is the first time i've ever done it. and just talking with tim, venting with him, letting out my frustrations about everything was really helpful for me because he told me he shared the same kind of feelings every time he plans these things. para-church ministry. is that where i'll head in the future? *shrugs*

all i know is this: i need to pray more for sufficiency - we ALL do. if God isn't a part of this night, it's all for nothing. we can't do anything worthwhile without Him. and the night would just be a waste of He wasn't there. i need to stop relying on myself and my fears and give them up completely to Him. i think i'm still holding onto them. worrying about things is just so easy. trusting in God with those things is the tricky part! we haven't had a musical practice in over a week. friday will be our first time playing together with each other in 9 days- i hope everything runs smoothly. and that jer comes back early on friday!

i think i'm actually going to head off to bed early tonight. lots of things to plan tomorrow! :) g'nite!

a night at the movies...

August 28, 2002

i watched the movie "signs" starring mel gibson this evening. it was an interesting movie, one that you can really reflect about on its meaning. perhaps its just pure entertainment for some, but ever since i read "the reflective life" (by ken gire), i've been more attentive to things when watching movies. trying to see what the director is trying to portray in each scene, but most of all, what is the intention behind it - what does he want us to take away from the movie - that kind of thing.

there were a lot of things i picked up from this movie this evening. one of them was just how awesome being a kid really is. man. :) i keep talking about it because i have a soft spot for children :) they're just so amazing. and even though the kids in the movie were acting, they really weren't. because children are like that. one of the children, named bo (such a cutie - her real name is abigal) always spoke her mind - all the time. even during spots where it was 'strange' - but kids are like that. they don't care - they're free from obligations and they just speak what's on their hearts. and while sometimes that's bad, i think a lot of us 'beat around the bush' too much and not say what we're really feeling.

one of the scenes that i particularly remember was after the first attack by one of the family's dogs. bo was sitting on one of those children playground sets because she was scared and what have you. mel gibson, known as graham in the movie came and just picked her up and held her in his arms. what a beautiful picture. bo let him pick her right up off the playground and into his embrace. and maybe, just maybe sometimes we're not willing to let God 'pick us up' so to speak. we're carrying so much on our own shoulders that we can't seem to let them go and let Him carry us. but that's what we're supposed to do! "cast all your cares and anxieties on Him, because He cares for you" (1 peter 5:7 [NIV]) - He's our Father, and that's what He wants us to do - to go to Him in ALL things, for EVERYthing. He wants to take our burdens and just carry us. i think that's one of my greatest problems, trying to take everything on my own - and i always wound up getting fed up or frustrated with myself or confused or burnt out because all these things weigh me down. i need to travel light.

some other interesting tidbits from the movie: mel gibson's character, graham was a priest - but he left the church after his wife died in a horrible accident. and so throughout the movie, we see his character struggle with his own faith. at one point, he has a conversation with his brother, trying to comfort him about the aliens. and he says something like this: that there are basically two categories of people: 1) those who believe in being lucky - that everything is a sign, a miracle - that things don't just happen by chance, that there's someone out there, someone bigger than them and that gives people hope. 2) and those who believe in pure luck - that circumstances can either end up "good" or "bad" - it's a 50/50 toss up. but the one underlying factor, is that they are all alone. and that gives people fear. so we need to figure out what kind of people we are. and his last sentence for that speech was this: "is it possible that there are no coincidences?"

i believe there are no coincidences. i believe that God ordaines and orchestrates everything for His purposes and His ultimate plan! the movie was really clever, i thought. i loved how they put it together. there were all these little "signs" in the movie that eventually led up to the ending, where everything tied together. so unless you were paying close attention, you may have missed some of them. but they sorta 'recapped' everything at the end. it was pretty awesome stuff :) i love it, because it applies so much to our faith. i think God puts all these little 'signs' in our lives, to show us what ways to go, what paths to travel down. and we need to be make sure we're looking, and aware of what signs He shows us. maybe it'll be somewhere down the pathway before we realize that God had led us there through this sign or that. but one thing's for sure, we need to SLOW down and look :) SELAH!

so yeah, if you can't tell, i really enjoyed the movie :)

aside from the movies, sufficiency is in like 3 days. oh my goodness. can you believe it? i'm so nervous about it. there's all these loose ends that need to be tied up SOON. i mean, first of all, musically, how are we going to sound like. how are the responses going to be like? how many people are going to show up? what kind of people are going to show up? how's the phos hiliaron going to proceed? how's the intro going to proceed? i don't know. i honestly don't. i'm getting more worried because i'm the co-ordinator and i don't know what i'm doing. i don't even have a church for practice tomorrow. i need to pray more about this night. more and more. cuz i can't do it. God can. but i can't. so i need God to use me for His purposes and His glory.

that's about it for now! g'nite :)

the stream of life

August 25, 2002

i was watering the plants in my house yesterday (saturday) and i was struck by another one of those 'special moments'..... as if God was talking to me through that simple act. there are a LOT of plants in the house and so as i was watering them, i was thinking about it. some of the plants require more than others, because they are larger and thus have a bigger pot (which means there's more soil). thus, you need to put in more water into the pot in order for it to permeate all of the soil in there. and some of the plants need more doses of water than others. some can last for a week without being watered, some need to be watered every few days. and i'm sure that there are plants that need to be watered everyday.

if these plants are not given water, they will surely die. the leaves start to droop, and turn yellow, and eventually to brown. if there are flowers, then they'll fall off.

likewise, with us, it's the same deal. "if a man remains in me, and i in him, he will bear much fruit. apart from me you can do nothing" (john 15:5 [niv]) it's not to say that we will die if we don't spend each day with God and seeking Him, but isn't it like that though? how can we 'detach' ourselves from OUR source of life? what kind of arrogance is that? we HAVE to be connected to the tree of life each and every single day or else what we do will be completely useless - God makes us into beautiful people - God makes us who we are - God uses us for His purposes - if we're not connected to Him, what can we do? honestly. and so, i've kind of been slacking off on reading the travelling light and it just really struck me that i'm no different from the plants i had watered - just like plants need water to live, so i need God's Word to live. and in the same way, we ALL need God's Word to live. :)

Christians are all in different places in their walks with God - some more intimate, some less intimate. and like the plants, some require MORE to be fullfilled, while some need less - just like the plants - some need more water, more frequently, some need less, but in bigger portions. and i think the deeper we go in our walk with our Father, the more we will want of Him and the more we want of Him, the more we'll want to know of Him - so we'll need bigger portions and perhaps MORE frequently (the opposite of the big plants) :)

an update on sufficiency...

August 20, 2002

i started reading "travelling light" by max lucado this morning. it really hit home with me. i think the most impactful sentence i read was something about being tired and stuff and how could God use us if we are so tired physically. that really made me think about myself because like i've said i've been running all over the place lately and i just need to calm down. i mean, if we're to serve God, we need to give Him our all - that means giving Him our ENERGY and all that stuff to.

we had practice tonight at ETCBC. i was late. it was my bad. jon was waiting outside for like 20 minutes or so.. aiya.. i have to make it up to him cuz like it was totally in his eye... tony showed up tonight too. so things are like moving along now quite nicely. we just have to arrange all the songs a little better or whatever. i think a lot of our time is wasted going over what we talk about, as opposed as making NEW things up. maybe it's cuz of lack of practice on our own part or something? *shrugs*

but we talked to tim about it afterwards (just me and justin). it's like we've hit this plateau or something. we meet together to practice, but we're not getting better. we just meet to go over stuff and remember what we talked about the last practice. tim and joanne were saying that it's easy to get to 75%, but to get to 85% or even 90% is REALLY hard. and we need to be really focused to get there.

so their suggestions were basically:

a) be FOCUSED during practices

b) don't goof off during the practice

c) try different layerings - use different instrumentation for songs - ex. we're basically use the same instruments for each song, so they ALL sound the same - we need to mix it up.. maybe like only female vocals - or like more acoustic sets. it really depends on the song. like the intimate/confession times, lighten the arrangement up. tim said they only had like guitar/piano, and him and jo singing for be magnified. so yeah, we need to try different instrumentation. he said that the KEYBOARD could do a lot - so maybe we can play with that. :)

only THREE more practices left until august 31st.. oh my............... i'm really nervous/excited about it....

also, me and justin scored a HUGE rock tonight after our practice.

it was jokes.. really jokes! we dropped off the keys at tim's place, and then we were kinda scouting the area near his place and we found some pretty good rocks.. so we like got a garbage bag from tim's house and then stuck it in my car. first we tried putting it in the back seats, but the door was getting in the way, so finally we decided to try the trunk. it was pretty frickin hard :P i like messed up my right forearm in softball on sunday, so it's still quite weak. we got the rock up a few times, but we kept dropping it cuz we had bad grip. eventually, we gave up and we called tim for reinforcements (this was like 12:20 AM ish). and then we tried for one last hero attempt and we got it into the trunk JUST as tim walked out. lol.. such silliness... my poor car.. the car like lowered a LOT after it sat there, and we heard some weird sounds.. oh my poor little protege.. what will happen to it!

so we drove it over to justin's house.. and got james to come out and help us move. man, having three people move it was SO MUCH easier! the first attempt was a success :) it'll be jokes when we move it to ETCBC, i think justin is going to move it on friday.

now all we need are some twigs, wash off the stones and we're all set!

i just listened to like the entire practice - we don't sound too bad.. it's decent actually! maybe justin and i are being too on ourselves? i totally see what tim means though. we have a lot of POTENTIAL. but i guess it's all about getting that potential to become into use? or something like that. but that'll only happen over time, practice and by God's grace of course! i really think this group has potential to do worship events or whatever in the future. just like john 4. :)

gotta keep praying about it! and for august 31st. :)

but i should be off to bed now! it's almost 2 am. i seem to be sleeping at around 2 am nowadays - geez, i'm not even back in school yet and i'm sleeping this late still.. aiya!

g'nite!

the power of words..

August 19, 2002

physically, i've been pretty drained these past few days. i've been running myself pretty much ragged this entire past week. i barely remember what i've been doing to be honest. i need to slow down. i don't know what's making me so busy, but i need to just like relax and hang out at home. i'm like never here anymore and that means i'm totally not able to SLOW down and reflect on things. bah! that's like the total opposite of what i want to do! i just want to life the 'reflective' life, to be able to pause in certain moments of the day and see what's going on around me.

the main point of my entry tonight is just how much influence words can have. i've been 'quoted' TWICE these past two days. once by rachel during her testimony at coffee house (saturday). and once today, by amanda in her devotion. that's pretty crazy when i think about it. that people would actually want to QUOTE the things i say. i say a lot of things. too much in fact. maybe i just need to shut up more or just be more cautious of what i say because i know that the things i do affect other people (as scary as that is)... so i just need to make sure i'm not being a 'stumbling' block to any person.....cuz that's bad news...

we played softball today against basic (t3c).. i was getting somewhat annoyed near the end because a lot of stupid things were happening... so what i've been noticing about myself lately, is that i'm more easily irritated by things. maybe it's due to the lack of sleep or all this crazy scheduling that i have. all i know, it's not good and it needs to stop. i need to like CALM down more. and the only way that's gonna happen is that i need to slow down and get more sleep. and also like God helping me to just be more sensitive to things or be more open to things, you know? to not let the little things get on my nerves, because honestly, what is getting upset over silly things like that going to accomplish? NOTHING. it's just silliness. so yes. leo must calm down. i'm not normally like this. i don't know what's going on! aiya.

it's a short entry tonight, me is sleepy :) g'nite!

a closer look at stop lights

August 16, 2002

i was riding in my friend's car today and had some time to reflect on the things that i saw. i normally don't pay attention much to my surroundings when i'm driving because i'm focused on the cars on the road - what's ahead and behind of me. but it was a very refreshing change to be driven around for once. i don't remember the last time i've been driven somewhere!

we were on the highway returning home from cookstown (it's like mad north) and i was just sort of staring off into the distance. a particular thought crossed my mind as i sat there.

what's the deal with traffic lights and stop signs? and please, don't answer me because it's an obvious answer. but have you ever thought about it? if we lived in a society without any traffic lights or stop signs, we'd never stop driving until we reached our destination. we'd just keep going, much like a highway - speeding down as fast as we possibly could so we could arrive faster. it's the whole concept of "time is money" and that's what our society thrives on - instant communication, instant food, instant everything! and the reflective live preaches a completely different message. it's about slowing down to really reflect on the daily happenings in our lives and to see what God is trying to reveal to us each and every single day. after all, isn't that what it's all about? so i was thinking about these traffic lights and stop signs. they're there to cause us to STOP momentarily, to stand or sit still and watch. we watch cars go by us until the traffic light eventually turns green and then we're off on our merry way.

the reflective life parallels this a lot if you think about it. if we don't stop in our every day life and think about what is being said and what is happening around us, everything is just a blur - like the blur of a car speeding across the road as they pass us by. we need 'traffic lights' or 'stop signs' to help us realize to just STOP and re-evaluate what's going on. perhaps it's a friend in need, or maybe a co-worker, or maybe even a stranger who simply needs a smile. who knows? but it's the soft whispers of God that gently try to get our attention, and only if we are listening for it, will we hear it and pause. and as we listen more for His gentle whisper, the better we'll be able to hear Him. i think God would want us to just stop and listen, rather than being so preoccupied with things that we have to finish or do. there's the this word that is constantly used in the book of psalm - the word "selah". if my memory serves me correctly, it means "to stop, to pause, to ponder and reflect". i think we need points in our every day where we have a moment of selah. just to be still and evaluate what God is doing around us. or maybe we need to reach a point in our lives where we are almost in a constant state of selah. where we are stopping and reflecting on everything that is going around us. and sure, that might be a little strange at first, but that's probably the like ultimate goal for us as Christ-followers. to be constantly be aware of Him. like what it says in 1 thessolonians, to pray continually (which really means to be in constant communion with the Father).

there's a lot of things that i haven't written about that has happened during the past week. but i'm tired now, so perhaps that will be in tomorrow's entry :) g'nite!

God's got a good sense of humor :)

August 9, 2002

what an interesting turn of events today turned out to be.

i had originally planned out everything to the T, but there were some interruptions here and there that altered my plans.

i drove like 350 km+ today - i basically went all over the GTA - oakville, sauga, unionville, airport, scarborough, and whitby! so i'm pretty tired. i haven't gotten much sleep these past few days.

we went to get angie from the airport today. and guess what. we MISSED her flight. but we didn't know that. so we sat at the airport for like 2.5 hours. and we finally called her and realized her flight came a little early so we had just missed her. isn't that STUPID!? :P and the parking fee came out to be $17 bucks. for 2.5 hours! that's so problems. but we had a jokes time at the airport cuz we decided to like find those abandoned carts and push them back to get a dollar back. we found like 10-11 carts! so that was pretty sweet.

anyway, we drove to angie's place straight from the airport. it was great to see her! :) she kinda gave us the low-down on her entire trip and the highlights and what have you. pretty cool stuff. it's so awesome to hear what God is doing around the world and how He's moving and all! isn't that awesome? it's like... we miss so much on what God is doing around the world if we're not paying attention and keeping ourselves aware of what's going on around us...and i want to know what He's doing. like He's doing some crazy stuff all around the world, that i know for sure! and just to be a part of that is like such an incredible thing... maybe it's time i started thinking more about a short term mission's trip? or maybe for in a few years from now? 3rd? *Shrugs* but yeah, it was really cool hearing what God did during angie's mission's trip. she's really learned a lot :)

me and justin went to see MORGAN today!! we had to drive out to whitby cuz that's where she was but all good.. man her mom is like frickin hilarious!!!!! haha.. she's like one of the funniest ladies i've ever met.. probably even more jokes than my mom.. and my mom is like pretty frickin funny.. but yeah.. wow, it was an awesome time just chatting it up with her mom and morgan... it was sooooooo great to see morgan! it's been like over a year since i've last seen her.. and like....... she's become this super hero! wow.. so impressed.. i'm like totally floored.. first of all.. she's like a summer intern at her church.........PAID! (that's so hilarious.. she gets like paid to be in worship.. haha. to sit in church.. lol)... but yeah, she like even preached to the jr. high kids.. like who does that? and she's like.. what.. 18? maybe?? oh man!!!!!! and that's not even the craziest thing.. she's going to europe in 4 weeks to stay there for 10 months to like work at this Bible college in austria.. and like take 3 courses there over the year.......WOW! she's gonna be such an amazing pastor type person or whatever she becomes later on...

but that wasn't the craziest thing of the night... so we started talking, me, justin, her and her mom.. and like her mom comes up with this crazy idea about us going to ottawa for the week to help with the VBS at their church.. first she was joking.. but then it became serious.. and we were like.. that'd be really cool.. and it's neat how things worked out.. might be God leading us... see, me, justin were planning to go to atlanta next week anyway for 7:22 and stuff.. but it was cancelled.. and like we both have absolutely NOTHING to do next week.. so like yeah.. it just pops up... my only concern is our worship team.. we need to practice for sufficiency some more, especially with jer leaving for europe next week! so anyhow, we start thinking about it and wondering the possibilities, wondering if that's what God wants us to do. justin was planning to get up mad early to ask his parents...cuz they normally would be asleep by the time we got back home.. but like, they were awake and were TOTALLY fine with it - no problems at all.. and what's even more whack was like his friend jen from ottawa called him right after and was like asking if she could get a ride with us back to TO from ottawa the weekend we come back because she needed a ride. like what the crap is that? for me, my parents were cool with it. but there's still one thing confusing me. i'm not so sure if this is what God wants me to do yet. it's either that or stay home. i'm sure He'll give me peace either way, but i have to decide soon......

i just need to keep my trust and hope in God knowing that He will answer my prayers in His time and in His way no matter how badly i want the 'results' now............ waiting........ in expectancy.......

g'nite!

days gone by..

August 5, 2002

wow, it's been an entire week since i've last wrote something. i think i'm getting lazy or something. i've been meaning to write something but i really didn't have much to write about this week, so i didn't!

i'm finally free from summer school :) yay!!!!! off from york for a whole month :) it'll be good to get away from there for a little bit. not to say that i don't like york *ahem* but it'll be a nice break! maybe the york/sheridan building will have like all the outside finished when i return in september :) the exam itself wasn't too hard - in fact it was quite easy - i figure if i actually studied real hard, i would have done pretty good! but it's all good. i really had a tough time studying for that exam for some reason - maybe it's because i knew i could pull off an A with a low crappy mark on the exam. which really isn't the greatest of attitudes. the whole like arrogance thing came in for me there. like i was bragging to all these people about how easy it was. stupid me. why am i stupid like that. *sigh* i should like smack myself with something for being like that. i guess i thought it was funny how low i could get on the exam to still get an A.

another thing that dawned on me this week was how silly graphic design is. like honestly. for print design, all we do is like mix graphics (photos like 99.999999% of the time) and typographical content together in different arrangements. how HARD is that? it's soooooo very silly. lol. but God's placed me there for some kind of purpose. i haven't really figured out what that is. but all i know is this: there's like tons of non-Christians and like a handful of Christians. the graphic design profession does not have a lot of Christian designers and it needs them. they need to see the great news about Jesus. i keep thinking about how much i'm doing for God's Kingdom in terms of witnessing to people - is the life that i life really reflective of Christ? do people see Christ in me? i'd hate to waste this super unique opportunity that God's given to me again. cuz i really did waste high school and i regret it.

the whole 'reflective' life thing hasn't been too great for me this week. i was thinking about my exam the first few days, and the next few days i like didn't read anything cuz i'm stupid. so that wasn't too great. i definitely will start it up again tomorrow. there's been too many days that have gone by without me just spending some good time with God.

however, the other day, i think yesterday, i noticed an interesting thing about shadows. i was driving home and i noticed how the shadow of my car was in front of the car and 'followed' me all the way home (obviously). but there was something unique about the way i saw the shadow - i knew it was a special moment. so in that brief moment, i thought about what God was trying to show me. and i think it's something like this. the shadows that cast on any object are always a 'reflection' or image of what the object really is. and it's always there (except at night, but let's not get into that). and it's like our old self. our former life. it's always there, wherever we go. no matter how hard we try to lose it, we can't. and sometimes, that old self re-surfaces in some ways: either large or small. we need to be mindful of that. we need to be mindful of what our lives are like without Christ and how that life fights with our life in Christ. we intrinsically are sinful people and so our sinful nature surfaces up if we're not living by the Spirit (check galatians 5).

we had our last 24/7 meeting tonight. i was kind of sad because i've really enjoyed the past several weeks together worshipping, learning, praying with all of them. i still don't know any of them. maybe just a few names here and there, but that's it. i still feel like an outsider. why do i always feel like an outsider? i have no idea. it's like everywhere i go. i'm always like left out. *shrugs* i can't figure it out for the life of me. maybe God's trying to teach me something with that? maybe......

andrew just talked about the idea of the santification process.. and how the PROCESS of being holy should be a joy to us. :) amen to that. he was saying that we set too high expectations for ourselves, like "i'm going to conquer that sin today" or something like that and when we don't - we get like all upset and stuff and go really hard on ourselves for it. but we should remember that it's a process to be santified. it doesn't happen overnight. that was like totally speaking to me. so yeah, i just need to remember it's a PROCESS and that process should bring me joy cuz i know that God is changing me ever so slowly :)

little by little
everyday, little by little in everyway
my Jesus is changing me :)

i'm kinda feeling tired. not physically, but spiritually. i've been 'giving' a lot lately and not 'receiving' too much. maybe a break from markham would be good for me. i mean, just get away from obligations at church and all that. and just feed for a while. i'll probably be thinking something different later on. so stupid i am. but honestly, i just want to like do nothing. and like all of august, i'm involved with this and that - my whole summer is like ministry work. it's really tiring. i havae no idea how pastors do this year round. well obviously God sustains them. but you know what i mean. so i still need to think about this some more. but i'm leaning towards the break now. i think i need to do this for myself.

that's all for tonight. g'nite :)